It's that time of year where mothers are lifted up as the paradigm of all that is good and right and well with the world. Where gifts of jewelry, candy, breakfast in bed, and lavish luxury are touted as the end all be all of honoring and loving the woman in your life who is a mother. It's bumbling dads trying to corral a herd of unwieldy, dirty faced children wearing mismatched clothes with filthy hands into the bedroom with runny eggs, half-dead flowers, and half a glass of orange juice. What they show awaiting the mom in the kitchen is an absolute mess that for some reason will obviously be her responsibility. (This awful, irresponsible portrayal of dads will be the subject of a future post). So, even though I'm supposed to be enjoying this time that is dedicated to elevating me in all my glorious mom-hood.... (And I do mean in ALL my glory and loveliness)... Yeah... See, glorious. So even though this day is lifting the total beauty that is me... This is a very difficult time of year for me. Still. I know. I have a beautiful four year old son. I am in the process of adoption again. We are a family. I am a mom. And yet, on mother's day I still get a twinge of pain in my heart. There is a sadness that shrouds the day for me even with all of my reasons to be joyful. Somewhere in my heart I still mourn for the child that I will never be able to conceive. That child is there... in my heart. There were hundreds of futures I planned which had that child in every scene. That child was real to me. When David and I made the decision that we would no longer seek to conceive, the loss that we experienced was very real even if that child was never more than a hazy, never quite in focus dream. Because that child of my heart lived a thousand lifetimes in my mind. I saw my pregnancy, David resting his head on my belly... the birth. I saw the diaper changes, the late nights, the features that were a mix of David and me. She had his eyes... he had my nose. The poor child had the thickest hair known to mankind. He and I went on our first mommy son date. David and her went to the father daughter dance. David, his dad, and our son had an annual date to see a Steelers game together. My mom, daughter and I sat down and looked through old pictures and laughed. She came down the stairs in her prom dress, ready for this iconic night of her life. We dropped him off at college and said goodbye. I went with her to pick out her wedding dress... David sat with him the night before his wedding and shared a Guinness and the secrets of a great marriage. I watched as she was walked down the aisle by her daddy... I held my grandbaby and told him how happy I was for them... That child was real, as real as any child that has been flesh and blood. And that child had more joy, more careers, booboos, successes and failures, than any one child could have. So, yes, I still mourn the loss of what could have been even while being grateful for all the gifts that God has given us. There is an important quote that helps me at these times. "Your loss is real and your ache is not crazy." I have needed to hear this from time to time as I grieve. There are times that people really struggle to understand how we could possibly grieve someone that never came into this world. Even after explaining it. Even after sharing something that can leave my emotions raw it can still be beyond people understanding. I need to know that I am not crazy if someone else cannot understand my grief. Which means that mothers day, while still being a joyful day, can still bring with it grief, shame, and anger. Grief for what can't be. Shame because I still, at times, feel like there is something wrong with me for being unable to conceive. Anger because it can be so easy for others, because we have to go through hours of education on being parents and adoption even though we've been and done both so that we might be able to adopt.
As I get ready for mothers day I find myself in a difficult situation. I get angry when I think about the gift of God given to women who had been in similar situations. Sarah, Elizabeth, Hannah, Rebekah, Rachel and others all struggled with infertility and God remembered them and provided them with children. It feels really awkward to be mad about God giving blessings to others. I want to know why God gave them that gift and not me. Preaching and leading worship on mothers day in the past has been a mixed event for me. Before Lucas I would be aware of the lump in my throat. The tears that burned at the back of my eyes and the way I would grip the pulpit a little more tightly. Even after Lucas, I still need to stop and clear my throat and blink back some tears, because of my own grief... because of the grief that I know weighs on people in the congregation. Eventually, I recognize that God provides and oftentimes ways that don't look at all like we thought they would. My comfort, then, comes to me through an atypical Scripture passage. Isaiah 43:2- "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Wherever I go, whatever grief I experience, whatever anger I feel, I know that I am not alone. My God goes with me, my amazing husband goes with me, my friends go beside me, and even though I may stumble, I'm still standing. For all my sisters who struggle this mothers day, know you are seen, know you are loved, and know that even if you feel broken, hurting, or angry, you are beautiful!
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I dipped into the suggestions I received when I asked on Facebook what people might want me to blog about and one was "How about choosing to extend grace?" This piqued my interest tonight so here we go. One of the first things that I think of when I'm asked about grace is to explain it alongside the concept of mercy. Mercy is choosing not to punish another even when they deserve it. Grace, then, is receiving something that we don't earn or deserve. Look, there's even all sorts of pretty images on Google that put this into a nice succinct quote. In my Christian viewpoint, this is to say that "grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve." To break this down: 1) As a people, we are broken. We mess up all the time. I mean, all the time. We are constantly doing things that break our relationship to God and to one another. Both of those matter because our relationship to God can give us a center and a strength. Yet, God has declared, repeatedly, that our relationship to God's self is reflected in how we care for one another here. So, when we break relationships here we break our relationship with God. We don't always do this on purpose. That's the thing about being a flawed human, we sometimes do the things we don't want or mean to do in spite of our best intentions. 2) Since we are a broken, flawed creation, God could, rightly, judge and condemn us because of our pursuit of those things that are not-God, the things that break our relationship with God and one another. We get so wrapped up in seeking the things that will create the easiest and most pleasant path forward that we don't always pay attention to how it might hurt or affect others. Because of this, God could say, "Hey... Guys... stop doing the thing... seriously. Cause if you don't stop, I'm going to punish you and you're not going to like it. (My inspiration for that wording comes from the video "Honest Preacher" which is quite possibly one of my favorite pastor parody videos ever). 2 (continued - cause I can). That's basically exactly what we tend to do... We walk up to God and go "Whoops." And God is like "Guysssss!!!! Seriously?" 3. Therefore, God is is presented with two options. Either give us what we deserve - punishment, or don't give us what we deserve - mercy. Because I believe that God is good and loving, I trust that God continues to shower us with mercy because of the great love God holds for us. 4) So, now that we know that we don't get what we do deserve (in other words, mercy), we should probably be good, right? Shouldn't mercy be enough? Well... sure... if we were content to live a life that is constantly in the state of waiting to see the result of what we have done (action --> reaction). Thankfully, God realized that all that did was make us into even more anxious monkeys. 5) So, what did God decide to do with these anxious monkeys? God knew we really struggled with living into the guide given to us for a best life in harmony with one another. This meant that all we would ever have time to do was offer up burnt offerings in order to make up for our many and varied "oopses." If all we were doing was burning up offerings because we were so worried about how much we were falling short and trying to convince God to show us mercy we really weren't living up to the other things that God really wanted us to pay attention to. That's from Micah 6:8. What does God require of us? Those three things. We do those, we are living into God's desire for the people of God. Yet, somehow, we still mess it up. Which leads to... 6) Grace. Grace is all about giving us what we don't deserve because God loves us. Such as forgiveness. Like, the ultimate forgiveness through Christ's death on the cross. This freed these anxious monkeys from our cyclical routine of messing up, going to God and saying "oops" and then offering a burnt offering. Rinse... repeat. Instead, God said, "All right... I'm gonna simple this up a bit. I forgive you. Through the sacrifice of Christ to overcome death and the grave, you don't have to worry about all those burnt offerings and stuff. That means you can circle back to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with God." 7) Guess what...? We still mess up. I mean, Jesus simplified it even more for us. "Love God, love one another." That's it. And we still can't get that right. Guyyyysssss.... you're making me look bad in front of God. Just kidding. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else. I struggle with snap judgments, withholding forgiveness, anger, bitterness, unkind words, etc. 8) So... what then? Are we just supposed to cross our fingers and hope that we stay on the good side of luck and God? What exactly is our responsibility if we know going into it we aren't going to be able to live up to it? We offer extravagant grace as often as we are able. One example I've given my congregation before is when people come to me asking for help. A lot of these people will have their story ready to go as soon as you take a breath because they know if they don't get it out the likelihood of help, or even just having someone listen, go down dramatically. Yes, it is quite possible that I am being taken advantage of by some of these people. I do my best to verify if the need is valid since I have access to limited funds and I want to use them responsibly. But, most of the time there really isn't any way to verify a story and then what is there to do? Offer grace. Abundant and extravagant grace. Help as I am able without demanding anything in return. Why? Why give the benefit of the doubt? Why help when there is a likelihood you are being taken advantage of? Why put myself out there? We do it because it is a response to the extravagant grace we have received from God. I serve a God who is all about unmerited grace and forgiveness and second, third, and fourth chances. If, in all of my messed up brokenness, God can see something beautiful and worth saving and forgiving and loving, I can see something beautiful and worth saving, loving and forgiving in others. One of my favorite Christian songs - At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott. Some of my favorite lyrics are: "At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet, you have shown me your love... Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown." We are given every opportunity to dust off the ash and brokenness of our lives through the love, grace and mercy of God. When we wear forgiveness like a crown we cannot help but offer that same forgiveness and grace to others as they come before us. Not because it's going to earn us any more stars in our crowns or because we're afraid of getting in trouble, but because we have seen such incredible and beautiful love and grace from God that we can't help but share it with others.
Extravagant grace. Unmatched mercy. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. Wear forgiveness like a crown and know you are loved. |
AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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