In 9 years of serving as a pastor I have sat at countless bedsides with people who were only in for a minor procedure all the way to sitting with people as they take their last breath. Sometimes these bedsides are at hospitals, but they are also at hospices, nursing homes, and homes. No two bedsides have ever been exactly the same but the one thing that does remain the same is that this is a holy place to be. I truly believe that the bedside is one of the places where the veil between here and the place to which we will all return is the thinnest. As I mentioned, I have sat by more bedsides than I can count. But this last month I have been traveling back and forth to Cleveland to sit at the bedside of one of my dear family members. This is the first bedside in my own family I have sat beside since I entered into ministry in quite this way. The situation was very tenuous and continues to remain unknown as to how it will go. It was still a holy time, but being on that side of being at the bedside gave me some different insights. The first is just how truly and honestly exhausting it is. Now, I knew this on an intellectual level, but I didn't remember just how physically demanding just sitting can be on a person. Spending hours in sedentary activity has a way of wearing on you in a different way than other activities. That's because stress and sorrow have a very physical effect on people and mixed with the stationary atmosphere of bedsides leads to this feeling like you've run a marathon twice over without having done much in terms of physical activity. In fact, I joked with my mom at times that my brain just didn't work anymore. I recognized that I had to ask doctors and nurses to repeat themselves because I wasn't taking in all the information the first time. It's why one of the items I list as a "must' when anyone is in the hospital is a good notebook/notepad (and a pen or pencil). It lets you write down what you hear the health professionals say, it lets you write down questions that arise in your mind which I assure you that you will not remember it later, and you know, worse case scenario, you can play a riveting game of hangman in it. Honestly, though, having something to write on that keeps all the information contained in one place, where you can put dates and times of rounds, medication changes, etc, makes the whole experience feel a little more manageable. (For people like me who need to have binders or notebooks in order to feel organized, put together and "in control" having this was super important.) The second thing I remembered (as I had somehow twisted my body to fit into a small recliner in a way I could drift off for a little bit) is that self-care is critical in times like this. It can be easy to lose yourself in caring for your loved one. In the rush of trying to make sure you don't miss this doctor or this specialist or the meal time to help them eat, it is really simple to just wear yourself down to the point you get sick. It's because we desperately want to care for our loved ones and make sure they know that we love them and when someone's sick, one of the easiest ways to do that is to be contently present. Yet, if we let ourselves get so run down that we are sick and foggy, our helpfulness begins to decline at a rampant rate. Instead, it's important to remind ourselves that sleeping in our own bed for a night is not selfish but an act of self-care. It's ok to take a longer lunch to just center yourself and let yourself breathe. If you're not up at the bedside 24/7 it does not make you a bad loved one, only a realistic one who knows their limits. Your love still is present and felt even if you are taking time to step away. A care bag is critical, in my opinion, to caring for your loved one when they are in the hospital. Now, this is a care bag for you. Make sure you include in it water, a phone charger, protein based snacks (stick cheese, etc), crackers (good for upset stomachs), a book or something to occupy yourself whether it be sudoku, knitting, etc, something sweet or that you just enjoy for those mores stressful moments, a notebook, pen/pencil, something caffeinated (soda if you have that preference), a sweater or light blanket in case you get cold, and cash (singles are always good for vending machines). A neck pillow can be helpful, too. If you are looking at hours at the hospital, you don't want to be running back and forth to your car or navigating the parking structure if it's not needed. Really, the bottom line is just be gentle with yourself. Understand that in times of stress or grief you're going to have moments where your brain just doesn't work, you're going to forget things, and you're going to say that you wish you had... (insert thing here). The ministry of presence, the holiness of presence at the bedside, is powerful not because you're perfect, but because of the love that is there between those in the room. Much like God's power is made perfect in our weakness, your presence at the bedside is made perfect in the gift of self you offer. Care for yourself and you will notice you are much better equipped to care for your loved one at the bedside. Peace be yours!
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AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
April 2019
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