**Disclaimer : David and I both love Lucas dearly. ** The other day someone said to me: "Haha, Sunday's must be pretty hectic in your household with two pastors. Who takes care of Lucas?" Actually, I should backtrack just a little. On Palm Sunday (4/14) at 3:00 p.m. after most people who attend church had heard of at least Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem (and many others the entire Passion - betrayal, trial, crucifixion, and burial - of Jesus), a secondary appearance of Satan occurred. For it was at that time that Satan entered into one Lucas of the Hively household. (See below for actual footage) From that time on it was in Lucas' heart to make everything as hard as humanly possible for Robyn and David. (Lucas 5:4) For whatever reason, Lucas seemed to lose his ever-lovin' mind - the smallest thing would set him off. There was screaming, crying, hitting, self-imposed time outs, mocking, and general chaos-creation. This continued Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday... It got to the point on Thursday morning where I had to cancel the sitter because I just could not possibly subject her to the horror that was Lucas... I eventually got him off to school in the afternoon and had my cry and went into the office. Then, Friday Ms. Ava appeared and all was right in Lucas world again... until Saturday lunch, where once more the evil reared it's ugly head and there was more yelling, screaming and general discord. Currently, he is calm, sitting in David's chair with a snack... All of which means that Sophie will probably have her hands full tomorrow morning because it is Easter, and that means our schedule is COMPLETELY different, and our boy does not appreciate change. Anyway... back to the statement and question given to me this week. "Haha, Sunday's must be pretty hectic in your house with two pastors. Who watches Lucas?" It took a team of highly trained physicists to answer this question. Well... maybe not. But it feels like it some days. So, yea, our little man is not quite ready to monitor himself during services. He and I experimented with this one Sunday during the praise service at my church. My darling son decided that during my sermon would be an excellent time to slide out of the pew, stand in front of me, and shake his booty at the congregation. I get ahold of him and hold him to me until I think he has settled down and I release him so that he can go back to the pew... little did I realize he would, instead, make a beeline for the piano just behind me and to my right. I did my best to grab him before he made it passed me, but he's a slippery little kid and I missed. So, continuing to preach as best I could, I slowly make my way over, grab my child who is playing piano and pick all 50+ lbs of him up and he proceeds to grump into my over-the-ear microphone. Eventually he was corralled back into the pew and a fellow mom in the congregation took pity on me and came and distracted him with coloring. Yeah... so.... no, he's not allowed to hang out by himself in the pew on Sunday mornings as I have no desire for any more grey hairs. Which means that, since we don't have any blood relations close-by, we have to rely on dedicated babysitters. Over almost 4 years we have developed what I consider a pretty intricate system of available sitters for little man on Sunday mornings. Because, you see, this is not prime sitting time for many teenagers. (Shock, right? 7:30 on a Sunday morning is not when most high school students want to be at church with a five year old). d Therefore, we love our Sunday morning sitters dearly and try to compensate them as generously as we can. But there are a variety of forms that Sunday morning can take. 1) Great pastors, great parents 2) Great pastors, average parents 3) Failing pastors, great parents 4) Failing pastors, exhausted parents Scenario #1: Great pastors, great parents. (Btw: if anyone can find me that shirt, I would LOVE you!) This scenario is when Sundays go in the most ideal way possible. Which, as you can guess, is about once every couple years. This is the Sunday where, Robyn, David and Lucas all wake up at the same time, just a little earlier than other days, we have some wonderful snuggles, Lucas' board for the day gets made and he's happy about it, everyone showers/eats/gets dressed in the smoothest way possible. We pack a delicious and healthy snack and angels sing softly over us as we drive to church where the sitter meets us and Lucas floats through the first service, Sunday school, and then leaves with the sitter who we bought her own car seat just for this purpose. They go and have lunch and a delightful time until we get home. You see, in this scenario, everyone is relaxed, happy, and even joyful to go to the house of worship and celebrate God. Lucas gets to participate in worship and then partake of Christian education, our sitter leaves maybe a little tired but happy and well compensated. Robyn and David get to feel like we have been the ideal models of faith and parenting, and we rest in the afternoon content in all that has happened this day. Now, as I mentioned, this does not always happen... In fact, lately, this hasn't even seemed to happen a majority of the time even with the best of intentions on everyone's part. Which leads us to scenario #2. Scenario #2: Great pastor, average parent. In this scenario, the morning doesn't go exactly as planned. Either Lucas wakes up at some ungodly hour and sings while David and I lay awake but pretend that everything is fine and we are still resting. Or maybe Lucas, in spite of all our efforts and against the norm of every other day, decides that he is not going to wake up early and we end up having to wake him up. This usually leads to a rocky start with a grumpy, petulant Lucas who will just disagree with everything. Yet, we have to get him into the car and to church because the child needs Jesus and we need forgiveness and I will have my child in church like a great pastor, that and the day's babysitter will meet you at church (or I pick them up) and they hang around the church for all the prep time, all three services, and the close down time... And Lucas may or may not take in an entire service, and probably will get to Sunday school, but let's face it, that's a long tough day for a 5 year old and a tough situation for any sitter. But, he gets Jesus, he gets some kind of Christian ed, and we come home, and I let him watch more t.v. than I normally would, because... I need to stay sane. The babysitter goes home exhausted and maybe more than a little frustrated... This is more common than scenario #1. Which brings us to scenario #3. Scenario #3: Average pastor, great parent. In this scenario, Lucas has probably had a rough night or week, month... And mommy has schedule the sitter that he loves. We survive the morning but I win, I get him into the car, and I drop him off at the sitter's house. This sitter is pretty awesome, does a lot of arts and crafts, outside play, he gets dirty, sometimes they get to church. I leave a car seat with them and if they feel up to it, they may bring him to the praise service. So, Lucas is happy because he's got a fun day free from the house, isn't stuck in one place, gets to do cool stuff... but as a pastor, it's in the back of my mind that... hey... y'know... my son maybe didn't get to church today... he didn't get any Christian ed either... Maybe when we get home, after we eat lunch, I'll have him pick out some of his Jesus-centric stories and we get him some Jesus that way. Overall we feel pretty content, I'm a good mom because he had fun and you know, got a little Jesus. The sitter is happy, we are happy, it's a good compromise. But what feels like the most common scenario, is #4. Scenario #4: Fail pastor, exhausted parent Ok... so... full out confession... there are some weeks where it is just easier to leave my son at home and have a sitter come to the house and watch Lucas the whole morning. This might be because he has had just an awful night and it's just not worth the fight to get him there... or it might be that mommy is just flat out exhausted and this is honestly the easiest path. Another favorite sitter comes to the house, they have a great time, sitter leaves happy, mommy and daddy get to chill when we get home, everyone feels content at home, but in my head I hear that little voice saying "You bad pastor... you didn't even try to get any Jesus for your son today. He's going to grow up to be a hot mess and it's going to be your fault because you just didn't try hard enough. Being tired is not an excuse." About this time, I tell the voice to be quiet because I just don't have the energy to feel guilty. But, the babysitter goes home happy and balance is maintained. But here's the other reality. I have to book these sitters a couple weeks in advance and this means that I have to take my best guess as to how Lucas will be feeling, what the right choice is, get a good mix in their, and offer up a lot of prayers. Every once in a while we will need to do last minute changes, he's having a meltdown and I just can't get him to church or he wakes up sick, and then I have to call a sitter that morning and hope and pray. Other times something might come up for the sitter and I have to find a fill-in. Remember, now, Lucas doesn't like change, so I can't really give him too much information until I'm pretty sure what the day will hold. It's pretty stressful. Add on top of this that sometimes David needs to pick him up from somewhere and I have to 1) remember to tell him 2) remember to tell him where to get Lucas. So, yeah, you could say it's a little crazy around our house come Sunday mornings. Not to mention that during church I'm always watching and listening for a streak of a little boy or a screaming Lucas and my anxiety just ramps up pretty hardcore because there's only so much I can do to help out a sitter if things go sideways while I'm in the middle of worship. Now, tomorrow is Easter. That means that I have a sunrise service that STARTS at 6:30, which means I will be up at 4:30 and out of the house at 5:30. David has an extra service in there and he will be leaving earlier than normal. There's NO way I'm going to try and get Lucas up, ready, and out the door to be at sunrise service. So, God bless our sitter, she comes here and spends the night so that she is here when he wakes up and she gets him fed, dressed, and ready and most of the time is able to get him to church for one of the services. This is not an easy task or day because Lucas doesn't understand why things are so different, he usually doesn't get his basket or eggs until way late in the day, and Easter dinner is mainly something ordered from Bob Evans. But we are together, we proclaimed the Good News, and in all things we know Gods is good.
So, no matter what the scenario, no matter our moods, our successes or our failures, I know that God is good and I give thanks for the opportunity to be a part of this crazy, beautiful, complicated life and the chance to be mom to a pretty awesome kid. May your Easter be filled with great joy, many alleluia's, and much joy.
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Not too long ago there was an article on Facebook that really spoke to me. It was titled: "Dear Parent, About THAT kid." (if you have read it, you should and you can find it here) This article discusses "THAT kid" in your child's class that you worry about. The one that detracts from your child's classroom experience. The one dropping inappropriate words in the classroom. The child that hasn't quite learned personal space. In the article the teacher goes on to tell you everything she can't tell you about "THAT kid." By the end I was in tears and I hadn't even realized how deeply it had affected me. Because I am the mom of "THAT kid." I love my son to the moon and back but I am also aware of his growing edges. My dear son has developmental delays in speech and language comprehension, fine motor skills, and social interaction. All of that means that he has trouble communicating, he doesn't always understand what is being asked of him, and he is still learning all the appropriate ways to interact with others. We are also going to see if he needs help for his sensory tendencies. Oh, did I mention the incredibly strong prescription glasses he needs to help his wandering eye so that he won't need surgery later. He chose a delightful shade of red rims for these glasses and I think he looks quite dapper. If you've ever seen my son you'd know that he is... well.. above average size for his age. Above 99th percentile in everything. He's tall and thick and STRONG. When you're big for your age people tend to have elevated and even unreasonable expectations about what you should and should not be able to do. Of course, my son doesn't understand any of this. Yet, when it was all brought to David and I for the first time it was completely overwhelming. In fact, the first phone call I received from the school system special education program was to schedule the testing for his developmental delays and possible autism. A possible autism diagnosis had not come up prior to this phone call and I started to cry at that point because I had absolutely no concept of how to help my beautiful son. I was overwhelmed. I was heartbroken because I had all these ideas of what might be that now might not be. God got an earful from me that night... and many nights since... about why God would possibly think I was the right person to be a mom for this incredibly amazing and special boy. Seeing as God has very distinct mothering tendencies, why couldn't She have known that I was not up to this task? As a loving father, couldn't He have given me and Lucas a break on this? I bent God's ear many a night. Because, here's the other thing that goes along with having "THAT kid." I'm also "THAT kid's mom." And until we started through this journey with Lucas I had no idea how many dirty looks could be given during an hour long library program. My heart didn't know the pain that could be caused by the other parents standing away from you and talking about "THAT kid" who causes disruptions. Never would I have thought I'd be trying to arrange my work schedule so I could be close to his preschool in case the seemingly inevitable call came that the teacher needed help "handling" my son. I couldn't have known that it would be like the walk of shame to come out of your child's classroom about 5 minutes before the end of class carrying your screaming son because he was just done for the day. The comments made to me were ones I never thought anyone would say: "Looks like someone can't control their child." "Isn't he a little old for that behavior?" "Watch out four-eyes, it doesn't seem those glasses are working very well." And more. Yes, these are from adults. I would become painfully aware of the fear of trying to make friends with other parents because I didn't want to expose him to possible rejection or judgement. I would learn that in spite of the massive amount of love and gentleness he has to offer he would be turned out of a daycare because he was deemed "uncontrollable." Despite the joy he can bring, sometimes even the best sitters in the world would need a break from him. That I would weep because he struggles to understand why he can't go back and see certain friends or why he hasn't seen someone in a while. I would learn that my heart would shatter at the rejections he experienced. I didn't realize until this all began how lonely and isolating being the mom of "THAT kid" would be. It felt like I was on an island unable to find any kind of support. I was embarrassed to talk to other mom's because I felt like I should know how to DO this. Shouldn't it be an instinctual thing for a mom to care for her child? I scoured the Facebook groups and Reddit feeds looking for other interactions that were similar to mine so I didn't have to ask. And that's one of the main things I want you to know about the moms (and dads, and grandparents) of THAT kid. Remember that many times they are trying their best to help their littles navigate this confusing, loud, busy world. This is not an easy task for parents/guardians to do for their children without any added hurdles. When navigating it with delays, syndromes, setbacks, etc, it becomes downright terrifying. You see, my darling son doesn't mean to be that kid. He doesn't set out to be mean or cause harm. He is simply doing his best to traverse this new terrain that is unfamiliar and scary. Not everything makes sense and he is attempting to learn in spite of not having all the tools others his age might have. For every tantrum you might see my son experience, you're missing that he is already sight-reading words above his age level. For every time he gets up and dances and plays piano while I'm trying to preach, you don't see him sitting reverently beside me as he prays the Lord's prayer with fellow believers. For every time he pushes a child too hard because he doesn't understand how strong he is, you don't see the tears that start and his immediate empathetic response to try and help the other child back up. For every time he runs when he should walk and ignores his caregiver's correction, you don't see when he runs to a friend who has fallen to make sure they are ok. My son has incredible empathy. He wants to care for others and just make them okay. Lucas loves worship and music absolutely moves his spirit AND his body. Sunny days automatically lift his mood and make him long for the beach. You haven't seen the way he loves our dog Chloe and if she gets scared by a storm he sits by her to tell her it's going to be all right. It wasn't until the other day that a dear friend reached out and gave me words to comfort my anxious heart. She said:
"I just want to say that - if you are going to bed at night wondering if you did the right therapy, the right intervention, the right diet, the right discipline, the right combination of all the things - and worrying yourself sick over it: it does all come together eventually. One day, you will be able to take a deep breath and know you are getting it right. I have spent SO many nights worrying and wondering and now, when I look at my son, I know deep in my soul that he has exactly what he needs to be exactly who God intended him to be. And I have gotten really good at not letting anyone or anything take that away from us." This is the same friend I made a deal with to not ever worry whether or not we were overstepping when trying to support, offer advice or encouragement. Every child is unique and going to go through their experiences in their own way. But this journey is so much easier when you can be "the mom of THAT child" with a tribe of other moms of those children cheering for you, crying with you, and picking you up when the world's knocked you down. The tribe that helps you to look at your child and, as my friend so beautifully put it, "he has exactly what he needs to be exactly who God intended him to be." So from one of the many mom's of THAT kid, please take a moment to remind yourself to be kind. Remember that your reaction is noticed even if you think it's not. Give one more moment of thought to wonder what that family may be going through before you cast judgment or decide you would be a better parent. And maybe even beyond all that, if you see someone struggling - whether it's with bags while a child is using the floppy defense, or if it's with trying to get the door open while carrying a screaming child - be the one who helps. You might be the glimpse of sun, the moment of grace, that gets them through the rest of their day. |
AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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