Not too long ago there was an article on Facebook that really spoke to me. It was titled: "Dear Parent, About THAT kid." (if you have read it, you should and you can find it here) This article discusses "THAT kid" in your child's class that you worry about. The one that detracts from your child's classroom experience. The one dropping inappropriate words in the classroom. The child that hasn't quite learned personal space. In the article the teacher goes on to tell you everything she can't tell you about "THAT kid." By the end I was in tears and I hadn't even realized how deeply it had affected me. Because I am the mom of "THAT kid." I love my son to the moon and back but I am also aware of his growing edges. My dear son has developmental delays in speech and language comprehension, fine motor skills, and social interaction. All of that means that he has trouble communicating, he doesn't always understand what is being asked of him, and he is still learning all the appropriate ways to interact with others. We are also going to see if he needs help for his sensory tendencies. Oh, did I mention the incredibly strong prescription glasses he needs to help his wandering eye so that he won't need surgery later. He chose a delightful shade of red rims for these glasses and I think he looks quite dapper. If you've ever seen my son you'd know that he is... well.. above average size for his age. Above 99th percentile in everything. He's tall and thick and STRONG. When you're big for your age people tend to have elevated and even unreasonable expectations about what you should and should not be able to do. Of course, my son doesn't understand any of this. Yet, when it was all brought to David and I for the first time it was completely overwhelming. In fact, the first phone call I received from the school system special education program was to schedule the testing for his developmental delays and possible autism. A possible autism diagnosis had not come up prior to this phone call and I started to cry at that point because I had absolutely no concept of how to help my beautiful son. I was overwhelmed. I was heartbroken because I had all these ideas of what might be that now might not be. God got an earful from me that night... and many nights since... about why God would possibly think I was the right person to be a mom for this incredibly amazing and special boy. Seeing as God has very distinct mothering tendencies, why couldn't She have known that I was not up to this task? As a loving father, couldn't He have given me and Lucas a break on this? I bent God's ear many a night. Because, here's the other thing that goes along with having "THAT kid." I'm also "THAT kid's mom." And until we started through this journey with Lucas I had no idea how many dirty looks could be given during an hour long library program. My heart didn't know the pain that could be caused by the other parents standing away from you and talking about "THAT kid" who causes disruptions. Never would I have thought I'd be trying to arrange my work schedule so I could be close to his preschool in case the seemingly inevitable call came that the teacher needed help "handling" my son. I couldn't have known that it would be like the walk of shame to come out of your child's classroom about 5 minutes before the end of class carrying your screaming son because he was just done for the day. The comments made to me were ones I never thought anyone would say: "Looks like someone can't control their child." "Isn't he a little old for that behavior?" "Watch out four-eyes, it doesn't seem those glasses are working very well." And more. Yes, these are from adults. I would become painfully aware of the fear of trying to make friends with other parents because I didn't want to expose him to possible rejection or judgement. I would learn that in spite of the massive amount of love and gentleness he has to offer he would be turned out of a daycare because he was deemed "uncontrollable." Despite the joy he can bring, sometimes even the best sitters in the world would need a break from him. That I would weep because he struggles to understand why he can't go back and see certain friends or why he hasn't seen someone in a while. I would learn that my heart would shatter at the rejections he experienced. I didn't realize until this all began how lonely and isolating being the mom of "THAT kid" would be. It felt like I was on an island unable to find any kind of support. I was embarrassed to talk to other mom's because I felt like I should know how to DO this. Shouldn't it be an instinctual thing for a mom to care for her child? I scoured the Facebook groups and Reddit feeds looking for other interactions that were similar to mine so I didn't have to ask. And that's one of the main things I want you to know about the moms (and dads, and grandparents) of THAT kid. Remember that many times they are trying their best to help their littles navigate this confusing, loud, busy world. This is not an easy task for parents/guardians to do for their children without any added hurdles. When navigating it with delays, syndromes, setbacks, etc, it becomes downright terrifying. You see, my darling son doesn't mean to be that kid. He doesn't set out to be mean or cause harm. He is simply doing his best to traverse this new terrain that is unfamiliar and scary. Not everything makes sense and he is attempting to learn in spite of not having all the tools others his age might have. For every tantrum you might see my son experience, you're missing that he is already sight-reading words above his age level. For every time he gets up and dances and plays piano while I'm trying to preach, you don't see him sitting reverently beside me as he prays the Lord's prayer with fellow believers. For every time he pushes a child too hard because he doesn't understand how strong he is, you don't see the tears that start and his immediate empathetic response to try and help the other child back up. For every time he runs when he should walk and ignores his caregiver's correction, you don't see when he runs to a friend who has fallen to make sure they are ok. My son has incredible empathy. He wants to care for others and just make them okay. Lucas loves worship and music absolutely moves his spirit AND his body. Sunny days automatically lift his mood and make him long for the beach. You haven't seen the way he loves our dog Chloe and if she gets scared by a storm he sits by her to tell her it's going to be all right. It wasn't until the other day that a dear friend reached out and gave me words to comfort my anxious heart. She said:
"I just want to say that - if you are going to bed at night wondering if you did the right therapy, the right intervention, the right diet, the right discipline, the right combination of all the things - and worrying yourself sick over it: it does all come together eventually. One day, you will be able to take a deep breath and know you are getting it right. I have spent SO many nights worrying and wondering and now, when I look at my son, I know deep in my soul that he has exactly what he needs to be exactly who God intended him to be. And I have gotten really good at not letting anyone or anything take that away from us." This is the same friend I made a deal with to not ever worry whether or not we were overstepping when trying to support, offer advice or encouragement. Every child is unique and going to go through their experiences in their own way. But this journey is so much easier when you can be "the mom of THAT child" with a tribe of other moms of those children cheering for you, crying with you, and picking you up when the world's knocked you down. The tribe that helps you to look at your child and, as my friend so beautifully put it, "he has exactly what he needs to be exactly who God intended him to be." So from one of the many mom's of THAT kid, please take a moment to remind yourself to be kind. Remember that your reaction is noticed even if you think it's not. Give one more moment of thought to wonder what that family may be going through before you cast judgment or decide you would be a better parent. And maybe even beyond all that, if you see someone struggling - whether it's with bags while a child is using the floppy defense, or if it's with trying to get the door open while carrying a screaming child - be the one who helps. You might be the glimpse of sun, the moment of grace, that gets them through the rest of their day.
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AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
April 2019
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