Today was an exciting day in our household. The social worker that is overseeing our adoption process came for visit three of three and at the end told us that she intends to approve us to enter into the waiting parents pool. This is a huge day for us because it's the day that tells us all the hard work, interviews, questioning, etc has reached a point where we can, hypothetically, at any point receive the phone call that tells us a birth mother has chosen us to make an adoption plan with. Before she and her intern arrived today David and I were nervous. We had a lot of energy bouncing around and we were fidgeting, cleaning, finding spots and fuzz. I posted to Facebook asking for prayers for the visit. Prayers and well-wishes poured in. I am so grateful for the cloud of witnesses and saints that surround us with their love, support and prayers. Following the visit I shared that the social worker said she had no qualms about approving us. Again, congratulations and celebrations followed. In both, though, there were the supportive questions of "did you really have any doubts that it would work out?" The short answer to that question is yes, yes, we were actually nervous about the home study. There's a longer answer though. If you're satisfied with the simple yes, now's the time to click onto another page or check out this adorable video of puppies playing with toys. However, if you're interested in the longer explanation, still watch the video because, seriously, adorable, but then keep reading! Well, hi there seekers of the longer explanation! I hope you enjoyed the adorable puppies. (Seriously... if you didn't watch it... go back right now!) I'm going to walk you through what the process would be like if you were going to go through it while trying to conceive naturally. I want you to imagine that you and your partner decide that it's time that you'd like to conceive and as you start to go to the bedroom, you have to stop and answer a bunch of questions as a preliminary screening. Basically names, address, basic financials, places of employment, members of your family, who lives in your house, etc. Assuming you answer those questions well you actually make it into the bedroom. Huzzah! Nothing more to worry about, right? You wish. It actually is just starting to get awkward. As you are getting intimate with your partner someone who is a stranger to you comes in and tells you that you need to go through an orientation in order to properly proceed through the process and then decide if you would like to continue. Right. So, if you manage to keep going after the pre-application and the couple hour long orientation, you're still not ready. You are now instructed to complete the formal application, but once you have completed that, the state has a ruling that you only have 90 days from the time you submit that application to getting in all the of the required paperwork and complete the 3 home study visits, so you have to make sure that when you submit that application you feel confident you have the kind of time available to really commit to completing this first part of the process. So, not stressed yet, right? Still feeling pretty confident that you're going to make it through with no problems? If so, good for you! If not, just wait. Next, as you and your partner, once again, try to become intimate, your room starts getting more crowded. In order to complete this application and this process you have to start inviting some other people in. You need to invite your employer in because they will be contacted to make sure that is, indeed, where you work and that you make the amount of money you have said you do. You're also asked to invite at least four of your close friends who would be able to vouch for you and tell the social worker that you are as awesome as you are claiming you are and that you have a strong relationship and you should be trusted with kids. So, once your employers and friends are there, you need to make sure that you can recite the birthdays, ages, and health statuses of your families. Is your room getting crowded yet? Better make some room because you also need to have your doctors present (and the doctors of any children in the house) to verify that you are healthy enough to be partaking in such an endeavor. Tell everyone to squeeze it in because you also need to invite the vet over if you have any pets so that they can verify your pet has all it's shots and is properly cared for. Make room for the police so that they can run your background checks. It means that you have to submit them for every place you've lived. ] I hope your filing cabinet is also in your bedroom because you will need to look up how much money is in your savings and checking accounts. Also, better have on hand what your balances are in any retirement accounts, any investments, etc. Do you know how much you owe on your cars? Credit cars? Student loans? If not, better get that information, too. How much remains due on your mortgage? What is the monthly payment? By the way, have you signed over your soul yet? It is possible to accidentally sign that line if you're not paying attention, so I encourage you to be careful. Speaking of finances, I sure hope you have a nice amount set away or at least have access to some funds... or maybe know where to get some low interest loans... or, I hear the black market is always looking for a few good kidneys, because adopting is not an inexpensive prospect. Add some money onto what you think it may be costing. Maybe keep going. More than $10,000 less than $40,000 with the agency we are working with. In that filing cabinet you better also have copies of your birth certificates, drivers licenses, social security cards, and other identifying information. You REALLY have to prove that you are who you say you are. Oh! Before you're able to really get started, you need to make sure that you do the appropriate education. Usually ends up being about 20-30 hours worth of education on parenting. Don't worry, there will be a question and answer portion to make sure that you actually did the assigned work. It doesn't matter whether or not you have any other children. You obviously do not know enough, so keep studying. Oh, and if you don't manage to conceive within a year, you'll have to update most of this, including education. By the by, have you discussed what it is you'd like in a child? Boy? Girl? What age? Would you like to do this locally or travel? What races would you consider? How much are you willing to consider in terms of exposure to drugs, alcohol, or possible incest? Better figure all this out before you start. While you're thinking about what you'd like to see in a child you have to make sure that you have the plan in place for what will happen to this child that is currently only a glimmer should anything happen to you and your partner. That's right, you need to figure out a plan for your not even conceived child in case of the tragic passing of both of you. Don't stay too somber. While you're compiling all this you need to be in conversation with your social worker and go over your family backgrounds, your work histories, your relationship with your partner, your relationship with your dog, your relationship with your neighbor's cousin's mother-in-law's dog... Well, not that far, but they really do study the relationships in your life. You'll have to do some inventories too in order to determine if you have any red flags in terms of mental health, that you appropriately discipline children, and that you are aware of appropriate language to use for your child rearing. This will take two really long meetings. Hey! I forgot to mention, while you're inviting people in, I hope you invited your entire social network including your workplaces. A couple reasons for this. One being logistical. If you should conceive, you'll need to have some idea of how to handle your maternity/paternity leave and your employers will want to know that you may need to have some time off. In our line of work you'll also need to be including those people who might be able to cover pastoral care and preaching duties while you're away, but without being able to give them any firm dates. The other reason to include your whole social network is because the more people you bring into the know the more the odds increase that you'll be able to conceive. Connections are everything after all. After all this, before you can really get started you need to show the social worker around your house. Hopefully you have all your outlet covers in place, everything safely away, and all that good stuff, as well as being ready to answer any last minute questions and have all your documentation of finances available.
Then, you'll need the social worker to type up a report that says, yes, you are sane, stable, loving, competent and educated enough to care for a child should you be chosen. This doesn't meant that you will conceive and be ready for a child... but this is really close to the point where you get to wait expectantly. So... If you were wondering why we might be at all concerned as to why we might not get approved, it might not be so much that we doubted our abilities or whether or not we're likeable adorable people. It's because in the midst of everything that I described above any one piece could go sideways and topple all of the dominoes we'd been so carefully setting up. That, then, is the long answer in order to say, yes, yes we actually were nervous about the home study, but there is a whole lot more than whether or not she'd like us. We appreciate and very much need the love, prayers and supports, but please understand that even things that seem simple and obvious aren't always that way for us.
0 Comments
|
AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
April 2019
Categories
All
|