Happy New Year! Welcome to the 20's! I'm actually pretty psyched for a return of some of the better parts of the roarin' 20s. (I love the Great Gatsby). My social media has been blowing up yesterday and today with posts about "new year, new me" and recaps of how great or mostly great the last year has been for them. I did a list of resolutions that I'd like to try to keep... 1) Find something that I can intentionally spend time doing with Lucas 2) Start cardio drumming again at least 3 times a week (first one tomorrow evening at 7) 3) Set and keep intentional prayer times each day at least twice a day 4) Study Spanish at least once a week [have to start somewhere] (first one-on-one lesson next Thursday) 5) Make intentional time to be with David. 6) Learn more about autism, become more of an advocate 7) Spend more time with my mom 8) Be more of an advocate for us in terms of sharing our adoption profile 9) Be reckleslessly and joyfully kind even in the face of adversity 10) regularly attend Lions Club meetings I know my resolutions are earth shattering or innovative. But, I like them, they are goals that matter to me. Where I really find myself struggling is the whole idea of "the year in review." Facebook keeps trying to give me a photo year in review, but since it uses profile pictures and I use old pictures as profile pics, it's a bit ridiculous. You see, 2019 was a tough year for me. It was the first full year without my dad. I still found myself going to call him on the holidays, or send him a message, or ask my mom about how he's doing. It's been interesting as I know the way grief works and that it's not the same for everyone and all that, but being in the midst of the grief has me critiquing the way in which I am grieving. So, that's a thing. Baby girl did not find her way to us this year which has been incredibly difficult. I really thought this was going to be the year that our little family became complete. Missing someone who isn't here yet, I've found, is almost as difficult as missing someone who'd not here anymore. Waiting for baby girl has been a test. It's a hard thing to grieve out loud because people want to be loving and helpful. "It'll be in God's time." "She's on her way." "It's just not the right time." are common phrases I've heard. And I know that they are all true. I get that this is going to be in God's time and that God's time is not my time, but I want to be angry about that... I want to be sad about that. Scripture is filled with people who were not patient waiters and God still worked in their lives. The Israelites grumbled the whole 40 years in the wilderness. Sarai mourned and gave up on the ability to have children to the point she laughed when it was prophesied. If God can handle their doubts and sorrow, surely God can handle my grief. I regularly come up with reasons why she isn't here, my personal favorite being that with Lucas's diagnosis of Autism and his difficulties with transitioning into Kindergarten, it would have been a difficult time to bring a new little one into the picture. Waiting for God to bring our new co-pastor to St. Luke's was another way I explained it to myself. It will make the way straighter if I had a co-pastor to step in during maternity leave. Yet, no matter how many really great statements I offer myself or am offered, it doesn't change the fact that my heart grieves and longs for the little one who isn't here yet. It's like being so close to finishing a puzzle but there is one piece that is missing and no matter what I do, I can't finish it, I have to wait for someone else to bring the piece to me. If you want to help us out and spread the word about our desire to adopt, share this link that goes to our adoption site. davidandrobyn-adopt.com If you're anything like me, you might be thinking "Ok Robyn, just shake yourself out of it." But, David has been working with me to be a little more gentle with myself. So, I looked back at my year again and what I saw was that there were more things - both big and little - that contributed to this feeling of crawling across the calendar into a new year. As I mentioned above, our (almost) 6 year old Lucas was diagnosed with autism. That has been a hard and exhausting journey. I am not unfamiliar with autism. I had a pretty good sense of it. But it was like something out of an alternate reality when I was living with that new understanding of my son day in and day out. In case you're interested, there are many ways to berate, belittle, and blame yourself when your child gets this diagnosis. All of which are ridiculous. Also, it's even to feel like the world is ending. And, well, it kind of is. The world that I knew as a mom, as a working mom, has changed drastically in the last year. I've always been a schedule oriented person but with Lucas it has had to go to a whole new level. There are so... so.... so many doctors appointments. There was his struggle to adapt to Kindergarten - multiple times having to go and pick him up because it was just not working. I got to know the ISD staff really well. And I am super grateful for them. They have been incredible people and if you have a child with special needs. do not hesitate to get to know your ISD staff because they understand navigating the twists and turns and can be some of your biggest supports and champions. On top of the doctors and the calls to pick him up there were the multiple IEP meetings to figure out how to help him. My calendar ended up looking like a blob of color on my screen because David is in blue, I'm in pink, office is in purple, Lucas is in teal, babysitters are in green, and cursory stuff that I need to keep in mind are in yellow... I just wanted to cry at times. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I yelled and railed against the unfairness. I wrote and erased more emails than I have in the last 10 years. You may have noticed that part of my resolutions for the new year involve autism. I still have a lot to learn and I want to become and advocate, not just for us and for Lucas, but eventually for other parents/guardians who are trying to navigate the unpredictable waters of autism. Then, there were the little things that on their own aren't all that much, but cumulatively can be crushing. The phone calls to friends I meant to make and didn't. The visits I wanted to undertake and didn't. Little odd jobs around the house that I told myself could wait til the next time I had time. Missed bedtimes, words spoken in anger, disconnection between myself and loved ones... This world is not helping either. There are so many things... but I won't go there. This is not the post for that. Suffice it to say, there was a person I wanted to be at 12:01 am on January 1, 2019 and at 11:59 pm on December 31, 2019 I fully realized how much I'm not that person. (Ok, you got me, it was technically more like 10:18 pm when I told myself I was still a rock star and went to bed). Which is why the year in review thing is a struggle for me. Because I could easily recount the joys of the year. The weddings I presided over. The people I was able to interact with and help. The youth I was able to spend time with. Time with my son and my husband that I wouldn't trade for anything. All of that is there. But... my remembrances of those times always seem tinted by my realization of not being who I wanted to be at that time. Wanting to be healthier (but too lazy); wanting to have more time with loved ones (but deciding I'm too busy), wanting to be kinder, smarter, wiser, happier... That little voice in my head that likes to point out all the places I didn't quite make it. And it just feels like I start every new year with this little pile of stuff that whirls in with all the unmet expectations, the unrealized hopes, the scars and sorrows that are still there... and I always seem to feel like I'm entering each year a little more tired, a little slower, a little more weighed down by what I am carrying... So, instead of roaring into the 20's, I feel like I'm dragging myself in with a squeak. With all of this clattering around my head last night and this morning, I made a decision. "Happy New Year" is not going to be a simple pleasantry for me. "Welcome to 2020" won't be a simple greeting. I am going to come into this year with "Cheers to a new year" on my lips like a battle cry. I'm going to bring with me the things that need to come, I'm going to leave behind the things that will always be what they have been, and I'm going to be recklessly kind.
I am going to endeavor to be extravagantly kind to people I disagree with, with people I don't know, with people I know too well, and I'm going to be recklessly kind with myself. I am going to push myself to strive for my goals but I'm also going to forgive myself when I mess up. I am going to be unapologetic in my grief, both for my dad and for the baby girl I have yet to meet. The desire to embrace and live into the grief instead of trying to avoid it or deny it will be stronger this year. I want to be able to demonstrate healthy grief in a world that still struggles to understand or welcome it. 2020 isn't magically going to be the most amazing year. I understand that. There are going to be struggles and sorrows and pains and frustrations. But, I want it to be a year that when I reach December 31 I look back and realize that I did my best, that I approached difficult situations with kindness and peace, and that I forgave more than I held grudges. If I can look back on this year and say it's defining word is "grace" I will be happy. So, to all my friends out there who are entering this new year carrying a lot of the pains and sorrows and stresses of 2019, be gentle with yourself. And maybe join me in my battle cry: "Cheers to a new year!"
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I dipped into the suggestions I received when I asked on Facebook what people might want me to blog about and one was "How about choosing to extend grace?" This piqued my interest tonight so here we go. One of the first things that I think of when I'm asked about grace is to explain it alongside the concept of mercy. Mercy is choosing not to punish another even when they deserve it. Grace, then, is receiving something that we don't earn or deserve. Look, there's even all sorts of pretty images on Google that put this into a nice succinct quote. In my Christian viewpoint, this is to say that "grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve." To break this down: 1) As a people, we are broken. We mess up all the time. I mean, all the time. We are constantly doing things that break our relationship to God and to one another. Both of those matter because our relationship to God can give us a center and a strength. Yet, God has declared, repeatedly, that our relationship to God's self is reflected in how we care for one another here. So, when we break relationships here we break our relationship with God. We don't always do this on purpose. That's the thing about being a flawed human, we sometimes do the things we don't want or mean to do in spite of our best intentions. 2) Since we are a broken, flawed creation, God could, rightly, judge and condemn us because of our pursuit of those things that are not-God, the things that break our relationship with God and one another. We get so wrapped up in seeking the things that will create the easiest and most pleasant path forward that we don't always pay attention to how it might hurt or affect others. Because of this, God could say, "Hey... Guys... stop doing the thing... seriously. Cause if you don't stop, I'm going to punish you and you're not going to like it. (My inspiration for that wording comes from the video "Honest Preacher" which is quite possibly one of my favorite pastor parody videos ever). 2 (continued - cause I can). That's basically exactly what we tend to do... We walk up to God and go "Whoops." And God is like "Guysssss!!!! Seriously?" 3. Therefore, God is is presented with two options. Either give us what we deserve - punishment, or don't give us what we deserve - mercy. Because I believe that God is good and loving, I trust that God continues to shower us with mercy because of the great love God holds for us. 4) So, now that we know that we don't get what we do deserve (in other words, mercy), we should probably be good, right? Shouldn't mercy be enough? Well... sure... if we were content to live a life that is constantly in the state of waiting to see the result of what we have done (action --> reaction). Thankfully, God realized that all that did was make us into even more anxious monkeys. 5) So, what did God decide to do with these anxious monkeys? God knew we really struggled with living into the guide given to us for a best life in harmony with one another. This meant that all we would ever have time to do was offer up burnt offerings in order to make up for our many and varied "oopses." If all we were doing was burning up offerings because we were so worried about how much we were falling short and trying to convince God to show us mercy we really weren't living up to the other things that God really wanted us to pay attention to. That's from Micah 6:8. What does God require of us? Those three things. We do those, we are living into God's desire for the people of God. Yet, somehow, we still mess it up. Which leads to... 6) Grace. Grace is all about giving us what we don't deserve because God loves us. Such as forgiveness. Like, the ultimate forgiveness through Christ's death on the cross. This freed these anxious monkeys from our cyclical routine of messing up, going to God and saying "oops" and then offering a burnt offering. Rinse... repeat. Instead, God said, "All right... I'm gonna simple this up a bit. I forgive you. Through the sacrifice of Christ to overcome death and the grave, you don't have to worry about all those burnt offerings and stuff. That means you can circle back to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with God." 7) Guess what...? We still mess up. I mean, Jesus simplified it even more for us. "Love God, love one another." That's it. And we still can't get that right. Guyyyysssss.... you're making me look bad in front of God. Just kidding. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else. I struggle with snap judgments, withholding forgiveness, anger, bitterness, unkind words, etc. 8) So... what then? Are we just supposed to cross our fingers and hope that we stay on the good side of luck and God? What exactly is our responsibility if we know going into it we aren't going to be able to live up to it? We offer extravagant grace as often as we are able. One example I've given my congregation before is when people come to me asking for help. A lot of these people will have their story ready to go as soon as you take a breath because they know if they don't get it out the likelihood of help, or even just having someone listen, go down dramatically. Yes, it is quite possible that I am being taken advantage of by some of these people. I do my best to verify if the need is valid since I have access to limited funds and I want to use them responsibly. But, most of the time there really isn't any way to verify a story and then what is there to do? Offer grace. Abundant and extravagant grace. Help as I am able without demanding anything in return. Why? Why give the benefit of the doubt? Why help when there is a likelihood you are being taken advantage of? Why put myself out there? We do it because it is a response to the extravagant grace we have received from God. I serve a God who is all about unmerited grace and forgiveness and second, third, and fourth chances. If, in all of my messed up brokenness, God can see something beautiful and worth saving and forgiving and loving, I can see something beautiful and worth saving, loving and forgiving in others. One of my favorite Christian songs - At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott. Some of my favorite lyrics are: "At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet, you have shown me your love... Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown." We are given every opportunity to dust off the ash and brokenness of our lives through the love, grace and mercy of God. When we wear forgiveness like a crown we cannot help but offer that same forgiveness and grace to others as they come before us. Not because it's going to earn us any more stars in our crowns or because we're afraid of getting in trouble, but because we have seen such incredible and beautiful love and grace from God that we can't help but share it with others.
Extravagant grace. Unmatched mercy. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. Wear forgiveness like a crown and know you are loved. |
AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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