Well, if you couldn't tell from the title, I'm feeling more than a little cranky. I'm telling you, getting old ain't for sissies. Now that I've got that out of my system... What really prompted this post is not the fact that I'm aging (and it would seem poorly, at that). It's that there is a lot of pain in the world and a lot of pain happening for a lot of people I know here. My heart is heavy and breaks for them. It's one of those things that you know if you could do something... anything... to relieve the suffering of a friend you would but there is simply nothing that can be done except to be present and listen. And that is something that can be a struggle for me (and I'm guessing some of you, too). The pain being experienced around me is everything from grief to sickness to loss to growing pains. It is truly important to say here that just because someone is experiencing a different pain it in no way diminishes your own. All too often I hear people say: "Yes, this is hard... but I try not to feel bad/talk about it because I know so many people have it so much worse." Ok, that is probably true, but that does not change the fact that this painful situation is your reality right now and you have absolutely no reason to hide it, deny it, or apologize for it. You are allowed to be sad and to hurt if something happens. It doesn't have to be the worst pain that was ever felt in the world in order to matter. You matter therefore your pain matters. I do have to add possibly one of my favorite things having said that you matter... I'm not even a science person and that makes me giggle. Anyways... back from that tangent. Pain. It really does seem to be everywhere. Something I read once said: "Don't just see the reaction, see the pain behind it." Basically, it is along the lines of the theory that behind every person who hurts others is a person who has been hurt. When people are in pain we do some of the darnedest things. We may lash out. It might be that if we hurt we want everyone around us to feel some of that pain, too. Because pain is lonely and we generally don't like to feel lonely. Or we may withdraw. Perhaps it is just too much and we don't want to have to keep answering the question: "Are you ok?" or "What's wrong?" This can be especially true when you can't quite put a finger on why you don't feel right, you just don't. Saying that can sometimes result in quizzical glances that can feel heavy with judgment. Or you might just plaster a smile on your face, say everything is fine, but those who know you can see the lines of stress around your eyes and around your smile. It's hard to force a smile to reach your eyes when you're in pain. Regardless, this world is hurting. I see it all the time on social media. Posts that are derogatory, which we know is not going to change one single thing, are shared repeatedly. People spend exorbitant amounts of time debating some topic on Facebook and both parties are just going to walk away feeling righteously indignant and as though they "won" the argument. (Let me just tell you, no one "wins" on a Facebook argument... we ALL lose.") How, then, can we respond to the pain a friend is experiencing? One common way I see happen that really isn't super helpful to the person in pain but really helps the comforter feel better is to play "magic fixer." This is where you try to "solve" the other person's problem, even if it's not something necessarily "fixable." Typical responses tend to be: "Well, maybe if you..." or "Don't worry, it will get better" or "the pain gets less, I swear." They are characterized by the feeling that if you can just 'fix' it or the person the pain disappears. The reasons this approach is often unhelpful are: 1) A lot of times there isn't a way to "fix" the problem. It's an issue that cannot easily be resolved. 2) More than likely your "solution" or quick-fix has either been tried or dismissed as not effective. So, unless the person you're talking with says: "Hey... I've got this problem, can you help me figure something out?" Offering solutions is not going to ease the pain. My husband is notorious for this. It got to the point where I had to learn to preface statements with: "I don't want you to try and fix this..." He appreciates the heads up and cue for what to do and it saves me the frustration of having to nix or shoot down unrequested "fixes." If it is unclear to you as to whether or not the person would like your help trying to fix the situation the best course of action is just to ask: "Would you like me to help you think through some possible solutions?" or "Would it help to try to talk through different avenues?" More than likely what your friend/partner/spouse/child is looking for when they come to you hurting is not a list of possible solutions, but rather just someone to listen. Not to listen with the intention of responding with a solution. But just to really hear what they are saying and to acknowledge their pain. It's truly a holy space when someone chooses to share in this way because it is an indicator of trust in you that you will hold their pain without belittling/dismissing them or trying to turn them into a project. This is also incredibly difficult as I mentioned earlier. Because most of us have been taught to listen with the intention to formulate a well-crafted response. Pain isn't rational. Pain does not expect nor need a well-crafted response. Pain demands to be felt. And sometimes that pain can be too much for one person to endure and so they seek out someone they trust to share their suffering and hopefully find a partner in shouldering this burden to make it even just a fraction lighter. Why is this hard? Most people do not like to see others in pain, especially those for whom we care. Our natural instinct becomes to try and get rid of what is causing the pain regardless of it is actually something that can be gotten rid of. In essence, then, we are fighting against our natural impulse to fix and instead, choosing to enter into the pain with the other person and just being. Acknowledging to them that, yes, this does indeed suck, and it is painful, and that their feelings aren't completely out of whack. It's providing a space to be angry, upset, and hurt without fear of judgment or repercussions. There aren't a lot of places that it is socially acceptable to just completely break down and react with whatever primal feeling is within you. To find that kind of space in a trusted person is like finding gold. It's something to be treasured and held dear. David is often that space for me. The space where I can go and yell or scream or cry about how unfair it all is, how much it hurts, and how I don't want this to be my reality without having to backtrack and explain or make excuses or apologies. He gives me the safe space in my life to just finally breathe. When I saw my therapist the other day, one of the first things out of my mouth was "I feel like I can't breathe. It's like I can't take a deep breath or everything is going to fall apart and hurt so much." In the midst of painful situations or difficult times we might hold our breath - figuratively or literally - just trying to power through. Yet, unfortunately, it can happen that you get through that first awful thing and find yourself walking right into another one. If this happens enough times in a row you haven't had the chance to stop and take that deep breath that will clear your mind and let you think rationally. This is why it's so important to have that person or people in your life who can be your breathing space. And it's why it's so important that we learn and practice the art of simply being with one another. Because you have no idea how long it's been since the other person has been able to take a deep breath. Well, I guess what I want to boil this all down to is to ask you to walk gently with anyone you encounter. You have no idea what weight, grief, sorrow or hurt they are bearing. Live gently. Leave space in your life for loved ones to breathe. And if you feel sorrow pulling you down find that safe person in your life who will just listen and provide you the room to finally breathe deeply once more.
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Didja miss me? Sorry to deprive you of my stellar wit and delightful personality for so long. But as is typical whenever someone chooses to put themselves out there, especially in such a public forum, in addition to the lovely, supportive comments I received there were also some cruel, negative comments which made me stop and consider if I wanted to continue blogging. As you're reading this post perhaps you've figured out that I have decided to continue. I really missed blogging and find a lot of joy in doing this, so hopefully you also find joy in reading it. So, the gist of the negative feedback I got was: "This stuff is too personal to be sharing as a a blog." "This is inappropriate for a pastor." "People will not feel comfortable coming to you because they know you have depression and don't want to hurt your feelings." So, I thought through all of this. Yes, I understand that for some people they might feel as though what I am sharing is too personal and is like "airing dirty laundry." Here's how I see it though, it's my laundry to choose whether or not to air it. I am choosing to share my stories because I have the hope that maybe someone, somewhere, will benefit from what I have experienced. As for whether or not it is appropriate for a pastor, I believe it is, trusted colleagues and guides have shared with me their support, and many other pastors have blogs. I feel confident it is within the realm of appropriateness. Finally, I truly hope that no one feels unable to come to me because of my depression. I am a professional in addition to being a regular person. There are many, many people who are able to do their jobs while having depression. It's important to remember that depression is different than just being sad or having hurt feelings. It is a lot about how the brain works including imbalanced chemicals in the brain, faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. It's believed that several of these forces interact to bring on depression. This often means that even though two people may have the same type of depression, the things going on inside causing it may be completely different and therefore need completely different methods of treatment. If you like science-y stuff this is a good, detailed page that describes how complex depression is: www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression Separate from my depression, though, I am fully capable of separating any hurt feelings I might have from my ability to provide pastoral care. Because here's the reality, pastors are professionals and normal humans all rolled into one. I have feelings and emotions and even illnesses just like any other person. But I also have all the requisite training for my profession to be able to work through these things and to not let my feelings impact how I choose to give pastoral care. I love my congregation, my people, and I fully understand and genuinely believe that people are completely capable of disagreeing and still caring for one another. Which all led to the title for this post: "life in the spotlight." While there are plenty of professions that place people in the spotlight, my most direct experience is through my profession as a pastor (obviously). I believe that it is amplified in a two pastor household and I hope for Lucas and eventual baby girl's sakes, that it's not quadrupled for them. So, here is a brief story about my mom's best friend's husband (did you follow that? If not, check the infographic below) My mom's best friend's husband, we called him Uncle Rev, was a Missouri Synod Lutheran pastor. He and his wife had a brood of children. (In case you're unsure of what constitutes a brood, it's more than 5 and less than a bakers dozen). And in that brood there were A LOT of boys. Uncle Rev and Auntie Laverne lived next door to his congregation with their brood that contained many boys. One evening, late at night, there is a knock on their door and it is the police wanting to let him know that there were reports of noise in the basement of the church and they wanted him to go over with them to check it out. Turns out that those noises were those boys from their brood playing basketball in the basement of the church. I know this story even though it happened before I had been born because my mom loved to tell it. But it was also very public in that it was in the police blotter since the police had to report to the church on this call. That means that it was in the congregation. Which means that Uncle Rev, Auntie Laverne, and their brood heard this story over and over, and it means that the congregation kept this story alive and offered their own perspectives and opinions on it for years. Sometimes there might be feelings of Big Brother watching... All of this is to say that pastors and their families often find themselves in the spotlight, whether or not that's where they desire to be. By the very nature of our calling our lives become open to public scrutiny and we are often held to much higher standards than other people. And because we live in a society that watches very closely and has much easier access to the lives of others, those eyes don't go away. Funny story on how much we can be in the public eye. At my first call we lived in the parsonage (the house right next to the church). It was a beautiful home in a farming community outside of the town. It was on a country road that had a speed limit of around 45 mph - 55 mph. Our home had a lovely picture window that looked out onto our spacious front lawn and this country road. Just shortly after we had moved in and were sitting in our living room watching tv with our dog, Chloe, with our picture window curtains open, a car was driving by, slowed down to about 10 mph and the person in the car stared in through our window. It wasn't anyone we knew or came to know, but when the church's house's window is open, it is an invitation to check out what the pastor and family are up to. I love this shirt. Granted, as an ELCA pastor, I believe that we are simultaneously saint and sinner, but this shirt just makes me smile every time. It's such a reminder that even though I may be a pastor I am still just an ordinary person with flaws and fears and trials. I'm not any better than anyone else. Often this calling asks pastors to put more of themselves into what they are doing - sermons, pastoral care, articles that have been written. Aggressive criticism can feel like a direct assault to our personhood. (Again, though, this is all gone over in seminary as we prepare to live into this calling and we learn to differentiate ourselves). Honestly, this can apply to most of the in the public eye positions in a congregation (musicians, Sunday school teachers, Bible study teachers, etc). A note here on the difference between criticism and critique: Criticism - finds faults, intentionally seeks what is lacking, condemns what it doesn't understand, is spoken with a cruel wit and sarcastic tongue, negative, vague/general, seeks flaws with the person as much as the product. Critique - looks for both flaws and positives, finds what is working, asks for clarification, is kind, honest, and objective, is positive (even about things that are working), is concrete and specific, addresses only the product and not the producer. Add to this being a couple that has chosen to seek adoption as the way to grow our family, even our family planning becomes public property. Conventional couples don't tend to share with their employers that they are actively trying to get pregnant. That's usually a pretty private affair. Even after conception, it's typical to not widely share the news of the pregnancy until about the end of the first trimester. For couples seeking adoption, unlike pregnancies, there's not always a way to predict the timing of the birth since sometimes the call comes in that the birth mother/birth father have chosen you and the baby is already here. So, this involves keeping the church council and the congregation updated as to where we are in the process because they may receive a call that we have a baby. In my own personal experience it feels like bringing the board of directors and entire company in on the fact that we are trying to conceive. There are more reasons why David and I choose to share that we are seeking to adopt with our church families, but that is for a different post. Really, this whole post really comes down to asking that kindness be your instinct in responding to others. Kindness does not have to mean agreement, again disagreement can still exist between people who care for one another. Kindness means thinking through your responses before offering them.
Again, you can disagree and have different points of view than another person and still care for them. (I can't emphasize this point enough.) There are enough things in this world ready to bring us down and tear us apart and try to extinguish that light within us. We differentiate ourselves by nurturing and caring for that light in one another so that it grows.
And for all of you who find yourselves in the spotlight, whether or not you desire it, please know I see you, I love you, I respect you, and I admire you. |
AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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