**Warning - I do not intend this post to get political, but there are some aspects of the adoption process that can't help but be political. If you don't want to read one more thing that has anything to do with politics, you should stop reading now. If you choose to keep reading here is my disclaimer: I will not debate this on Facebook/social media. If you want to have a conversation there are other ways to have it. These are simply my thoughts and reflections as an adoptive mother.** Ok, so if you're still with me: Over the last few weeks there has been a lot in the news and in conversations about abortion. One of the most common statements that I've been seeing has been: "Make adoption cheaper and then abortion won't be as easy a choice." As an adoptive parent, this statement gets me riled up because it is a false dichotomy. The costs associated with each are entirely different for different purposes. And, even though it is a source of frustration for my family, I don't know that the cost of adoption should be lower as much as we need to address the systems that are at play that make the costs so high. There is also a need for logical ways to help off-set the costs of adoption in much the same way pregnancy and birth can be off-set with insurance. Something I see coming from people who do not believe there should be any assistance to adoptive families is: "Well, we had to pay for costs associated with a pregnancy, you need to pay for the costs associated with your adoption." There is a difference. If you have insurance, there is already a net in place. There is an out-of-pocket deductible and limit. With adoption, there is no limit. (Can we just talk about the amazing-ness of the movie Mean Girls for a moment?) So, yeah, with a non-existent limit on adoption costs, it has the potential to get a little out of hand. Also, many doctors and hospitals are willing to set up payment plans. Not so much with adoption. When the money is due, it's due in full, not in any sort of payment plan. The way to get a payment plan is to take out a loan. That all being said, let's talk about the adoption process, the costs, and why they are necessary. The first step and cost in an adoption process is a consultation fee. This, for us, was a meeting at the agency with a social work to go through the specific agency's process, what the expectations were, and the ceremonial handing over of the fee schedule.... well, not so much ceremonial as slid over a table with a practiced, apologetic smile because you know the numbers there are going to hurt. In order to have this consultation we had to pay $100. Once we're through the consultation we have to sign up for the orientation. These are typically held once a month in the evening for about 2 hours at one of the locations of the agency. For us that is about an hour drive. It's a powerpoint slide show describing the process again, going more in depth, talking about why adoption is awesome, what a timeline looks like, and why the different costs are necessary. You get a big binder to take home. Woo binder! (That's one of the few exciting things for me, cause, you know, I love me some binders...) Leslie Knope is my hero. I relate to her on a deep level... Anyway, back to binders and orientations. For the opportunity to undergo this orientation, most of which we knew because we've done this before, we were allowed to pay $150. So far, costs have been related to the employee's time and the materials handed out. If you have made it through the orientation and the consultation, you then get the opportunity to fill out the online application that asks a TON of information about you, your family, your family's dog, your family's dog's family of origin, your preferences for ice cream, and if you sleep on your back, side or stomach... Well... not those things, but it is quite detailed. And here's the even more awesome thing about it.... all of this information that is entered here, is going to have to be re-entered, by you, in countless other forms and ways, so essentially this becomes a practice in futility. Wee. But aren't you glad you now know your mom's cousin's best friend's bat mitzah date? Oh, right, and applying isn't free. This was $400 for us to apply. Cause, someone has to read all that information you put out there... right? Take a deep breath because this is the "official" start of the process. Now, don't be ridiculous, the other stuff we just did is all preliminary. Now, remember all that work you put into the application? You get to do all that again but even MORE in-depth! Hope you saved that original form and didn't submit your only copy... She says from experience... Now, here's another frustration... laws regarding adoption vary from state to state. It's one of the reasons there exists what is called the "ICPC" or "the interstate compact on placement of children." Basically, the government of one state has to say it is ok to bring a child that was born in another state into that state until the hearing procedures are finalized. Oh, and yeah, there's a cost to this as well, if you were wondering. I don't remember the exact amount, but it's what kept us in Illinois a little longer when we were adopting Lucas. Anyways. Laws vary state by state. The fun law we learned for Michigan is that they place a "deadline" by which anyone who starts on the process of getting a homestudy must have a completed one by a certain date. If, for whatever reason, the study is not complete by that date, it actually puts a blackmark against the agency and you have to start all over again. Therefore, the agency we are working with has a specific rule in place that if it is becoming clear that you're not going to make it by that deadline that you actually have to withdraw your application so that it does not go against them. Best guess as to why this law exists: to keep agencies or entities from leading adoptive parents along without moving with due speed to process the home study. But, who knows, it could just be some random rule on the books because Jeffrey's hamster stopped on that square on the bingo board. And you thought I was being facetious about hamster bingo. So, the home study process. This is a process that must be undergone at the beginning of an adoption journey, must be updated annually, and if you move a whole new one needs to happen. What does this include? 1) Adoptive family worksheet - literally basic background on each parent - names, aliases, addresses, family members, education history 2) SAFE Questionnaire. This is hard to explain. It's basically as multiple choice sheet about your family of origin. Who raised you? How do you feel they did? What were their values? What were their personalities and discipline styles? How do you compare with them? What describes your early dating style? What describes your early sexual experiences? What's your relationship with your spouse like? How do you disagree? It's way more than that, too. You can check it out at this website: https://achservices.org/am-site/media/couple-applicant-safe-questionnaire.pdf 3) Medical forms. Time to schedule those physicals with the doctors and pay out any co-pays that come with them. And some doctors will even generously charge you a fee just for completing your paperwork. Guess what? If you have a pet, they need paperwork too. Rabies certificate and vet certification. There you go Chloe. 4) Personal references. Now, it's time to pick four people who you think will say the right things about you and your ability to be a parent when they are being grilled by a short electronic survey sent to them. Even though it is electronic you still need to provide physical addresses and phone numbers. 5) Those references weren't enough. Now you have to make sure you have two work references for each person. This is for income verification. You have to make enough money in order to adopt, doncha know? You can get pregnant whenever you want with whatever income, but don't you dare drop below whatever the unspoken threshold is for adopting and bringing in an income. Thought you might need a little break. Ready? Let's keep on keepin' on. 6) Have you thought about designated guardians for your not yet present child to go to in case of your unlikely demise? No...? Well, guess what, you shall not pass until you name someone to take your bundle of joy when you kick it. (This was a fun conversation: "Hey, so... we don't have a kid yet, we don't know when we might get one, but if and when we do, if we die, will you raise it?") 7) Joy, rapture, it's time for the financial part. Gather up those bank statements, investment statements, mortgage statements, and W2s. Have them ready for when your caseworker comes to visit. 8) While we're on financials, here's a worksheet that will take most of the information from the documents you've already gathered and put them into one neat and tidy packet, but they still want you to keep the rest of it out so they can look at it. This will also ask you for your budget, any outstanding loans you have, student loans, credit cards, etc. 9) Are you ready for the required reading and education part? There's a lot of required reading... even if you've already adopted. Basic materials about being a parent, about being an adoptive parent, about the impact of drug use on infants during the pregnancy, etc. This includes lessons on the right language to use for adoption. This one I actually like a lot because so many people don't think about what they're saying when they ask about things with adoption and it can actually be really hurtful. Then, be ready to prepare a couple sentence summaries of the studying you've done. I am still not convinced that anyone read these summaries... (You also do not get to choose the topics for the continuing education which is frustrating in it's own way). Hey! You're still here! Rock on! 10) Right... I almost forgot, before you do any of this you are supposed to start your background check process because these things take forever. At the price of $62.50 a person you head to one of the designated fingerprinting locations as well as completing the paperwork for this. If you thought you needed some obscure information before, just wait. You have to travel back 5 years in terms of background checks and for some agencies they want to run them in whatever state you were born in just in case. If you want a background check in Pennsylvania and you went to college and you had roommates, you need to make sure that you know their middle names. That's right, David had to find out what his college roommates middle names were in order to complete his background check. 11) Now, you need to fill out the openness in adoption paperwork. How open are you willing to have the relationship between you and the birth parents? Open, semi-open, closed? These are all various ways a relationship might form and then within each of these are subsets of what this can entail. 12) Now comes the big moment... the interview. For this agency we had to do 2 interviews at their location and they came to us once. Because we live 55 miles from the agency, we therefore do not fall into the "50 miles or less" realm and it costs extra for the case manager to come to our house. Basically these interviews cover everything you've submitted but in verbal form. We did one each individually, then a joint one, and then jointly here at our house with Lucas. She came and looked around our house, talked to us, talked to Lucas, petted Chloe, and left. 13) Here is a first really big cost. $1,950 for the home study. At this point it was only a $10 extended travel fee, so $1,960 for the home study. This is to "process all of the information." 14) Is your profile active now? Nope. Next is the networking bundle fee. This is where the agency connects you with a profile building company and you give them pictures, writings about your family, letters to the birthparents, etc, and they make it into a pretty website and a book that the agency will show to anyone that matches with you so they can look through the soundbytes of your life and make a decision on if you are the right one to choose... This, dear friends, is $2,500. Congratulations! Your profile is active! You are in the running to be picked. But there is no way to guess how long that's going to take. So, in the mean time, you'll need to pay $250 a quarter to stay as an "active" profile with the agency. You'll also have to complete monthly continuing education readings and summaries. After a year, if you have not been chosen, you have to have a homestudy update. This is redoing the background checks, filling out all the same paperwork, and providing all your references and financial information along with the medical information. That's another $62.50 each for the background checks, the doctors co-pays, and the time cost. Oh, and they have to come to your house again to make sure everything looks the same. This update costs $675. Oh, but since we're 5 miles outside the 50 mile radius, we owe $100 extra in travel fees. So, $750 plus background checks plus doctors co-pays... That's the update cost. And that's what we're in the process of completing at this time. To date, we have paid $5,750 to the agency. That does not include the outside costs I've mentioned and it doesn't include the amount we paid to a different agency before this one that didn't work out. Oh, yeah, if you want to be listed with more than one agency, there's a big cost to that as well. Are we close to done? Not even maybe. A match is made, the birthparents have chosen you! Now what? For us, this is where the loan acquistion will happen. It's a $5,000 escrow to start covering the $195 / hour + mileage + expenses for the social worker to do what they do - meeting with the birthparents, meeting with you, going where they need, getting paperwork ready... This gets used, often times, to help the birthparents. I'll talk about that a little later... It's $10,000 due when we sign the adoptive petitions. But, you're still not done yet. Once you have the baby in your arms in your home, there is the waiting period where birthparents have a chance to change their minds. There is the waiting period for the court date to make everything legal. (This is a particularly nerve-wracking time and the generic advice is to not make it too public or get too attached to your little one because this is still a time of uncertainty.) And there is the court date where you go before the judge. There are all the legal fees that aren't even detailed out in pre-adoption paperwork. Uh-uh-uh - you didn't think you were done yet? After all of that, there are post-placement visits, where they come out to make sure everything is on the up and up. $300 - $350 per visit, plus $100 extended travel fees (each time). There are usually 3-6 post-placement visits. And there it is, the costs of adoption (*through the agency we are using) Now, let's remember what sparked my whole rant here.... The dichotomy being set up between adoption and abortion. Specifically for me it's the following post that's been floating around: While so many of the fees with adoption may seem arbitrary or self-serving for the agencies, there's more to the story than that.
Most of these agencies use a lot of the funding they bring in to help the birth mothers and birth fathers. This money goes toward counseling for them so that they can gain a full picture of what their options are before making a decision. The funds go toward helping with medical costs. Some of these women are going to be on medicaid, but how much does medicaid cover? There are a lot of optional medical tests and appointments that aren't required but go a long way toward ensuring the health of the birthmother and the child. It goes toward helping purchase maternity clothing, which is not cheap but needed. It helps with bills and food costs. This is because at a certain point in the pregnancy, the jobs that the birthmothers may hold are not pregnancy friendly and she will take leave. This may or may not mean that she loses her source of income. It's also to help with post-birth costs, again, so that the birth mother can have some breathing space before needing to go right back to work. This money is used to help with addiction education and recovery. It helps with diapers or needed items for the little ones in their households. This is where I think our system needs some serious attention. If a woman chooses to carry a pregnancy, she is looking at a lot of ways she may be further penalized in the process - whether it's job insecurity or loss of wages or such. The medical system is broken to the point where it's pick and choose on what you'll do because the wrong choice could put you so far in debt that you'll never make your way out again. Overall society has this tendency to look down on women who get pregnant when they don't intend. They want her to carry the child to term whether or not that is viable. Mental health plays a major role in a healthy pregnancy and for some that option is just not present. The job situations and what kind of family leave that is available play a role. All of these impact abilities to make a birth adoption plan for a child. The costs that are associated with adoption often will strive to help make up the gap between what society offers and what is realistically needed to help women who want to make a birth placement plan for their child. Which is why I don't necessarily believe the answer is simply "lower the cost of adoption." Put programs in place that help off-set some of these costs. Fix some of the brokenness in the system so that the agencies are not having to be the middle man in providing what is missing. Make mental health care accessible and affordable. Make birth control accessible and affordable. Make health care affordable and accessible. Put in place grants for adoption that are not all religious based. So many of them require adherence to a very strict faith statement, many of which would mean saying that my calling as a pastor would be invalid... If we want adoption to be the viable choice don't narrow down the help available. Don't only promote agencies that require faith statements or specific make-ups of the family. Awareness needs to be raised in society. People need to understand the mechanics of adoption and foster care. What does it actually mean? And there needs to be funding in place to help birth parents and adoptive parents be able to afford and raise children with special needs. This is becoming so prevalent because there are children being born with special needs that do not get adopted and end up in the system and then they age out of the system and end up on their own with little to no help. This is even true of children who are not special needs. Older children who end up in the foster care system do not usually have a high rate of adoption. Currently there are approximately 443,000 children in the foster care system in the United States. More than 23,000 children age out of the system every year. These are children who may not have a stable home, who may not have had an upbringing preparing them for adulthood, and they are ending up out on their own trying to figure things out. 20% of these children aging out become instantly homeless. 7 of 10 girls who age out of the foster care system will be pregnant before the age of 21. I think a lot of people are still functioning under the belief that this process is still like little orphan Annie or Despicable Me where someone walks into an orphanage, sizes up all the children, and picks the one they like the best. The process has changed and if society wants it to be the choice that people make they need to change what is hindering that option in society. Let's change the system. Let's break the unhealthy cycles that exist. Let's care enough to learn about adoption, foster care, aging out, special needs, and more, and figure out how to address these issues before we start saying that we need to lower the cost of adoption. I will gladly pay the cost of adoption if it helps women and birthparents who are struggling in the face of trauma, brokenness, and fear. Til I take my last breath I will say that all people are created in the image of God and all people deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and care. Not because they have done something to deserve it but because they are people and that is enough.
0 Comments
For the last few weeks I have been struggling with anxiety about an approaching date. April 10, 2019. The first of my dad's birthdays he will spend in heaven. I know I'm anxious about it because ever since calendars switched over to April my eyes have sought out that date whenever I glance at a calendar. I've also noticed the other little signs. My leg bouncing incessantly - most of the time without my recognizing I'm doing it unless my leg suddenly seems tired. (Odd sensation, really). It was almost like an April fools joke. April 1 and my mind continually skips ahead to April 10. I have typical questions and thoughts around the date. How will I feel? What will it be like to not make a phone call to my dad to wish him a happy birthday and instead whisper it in a prayer to lift up. If you know me at all you know that I don't do well with the unknown. I want to know, I want to plan, I want to be able to have an idea where things are headed. So, going into this day is going to be tough simply because I don't know what to expect. Honestly, this wouldn't be as bad if it fell on, say a Monday, my day off, where I could either go be with my mom or at least stay at home and feel my feels. But, it's on a Wednesday. During Lent. April 10th this year will kick off with Bible study and wrap up with worship, so there are worse ways I could spend the day. I worry, though, about my emotions on the day. I do not like to be emotional in front of others, especially when working and "in pastor mode." So, hopefully my emotions will stay under control. Although, if I've learned anything, the likelihood of everything staying "under control" is unlikely. Not impossible but maybe not realistic. So, anyway, the other thing that happened on an April 10 is that it is my baptismal birthday. When my dad and mom talked about having me baptized, dad wanted it to be on his birthday. So those days are intrinsically linked. And it is kind of beautiful to me. It brings me some measure of comfort. I was just shy of 4 months old when I was baptized. I was a stinkin' cute baby if you ask me. That right there is my family. I, of course, and the cute baby in the white dress. It is from my baptism. Obviously I don't remember the day, but I love that I have a picture of it. That day is special. Even more so now. That day was my dad's birthday and my re-birth day. A re-birth into the promise of life eternal with Christ. A washing away of my old self and the day I was marked with the cross of Christ. I was baptized into the life, death and resurrection of Christ. On that day we were reminded of how the Word met the water, I was made a part of the family of Christ. Now, on April 10, 2019, I will be remembering my dad on the first birthday without him here. I will be reminded of the power of the grave and death in our lives. It will be a stark reminder to me of the brevity of this life and the passing of each breath. April 10 this year will be one that likely will have stuttered breaths, long deep breaths, and probably tears. And if the tears come, I will be thankful for them, because it will remind me of the other important message of April 10. They will remind me of the promises that are made to us by a loving God. The salty tears will force me to remember God's promise that the grave will not have the last say in life. I will be able to take solace in the knowledge that no grave is stronger than the promises of God. Now, that song is awesome. (The video... not so much... except for the hype-woman who I aspire to be one day). It is the reminder I need for the day that is to come. It is the reminder that even Christ faced death and the grave. Even he lay cold in the grave before he overcame. This was done out of love for us. It was done to open the way and free us so that we could live out his final command, to love one another. Although my dad has passed and I will miss him dearly on his birthday, I have the marvelous gift of that day being my baptismal birthday as well. It's a gift that let's me hear the truth that Jesus has overcome the grave and my dad is at rest. The above image is one I found as I was looking for pictures for this blog post and I fell in love with it. It's a way of seeing our last heartbeat move us through the way that was opened by Christ so that we might live again. That last heartbeat, as hard as it is, also speaks of the time to come when there will be no more crying, no more pain, no more sorrow. That last heartbeat is not the end; it is simply a pause before the next part of our life. The first image is nice as well. It incorporates the semi-colon in there, which I adore. Semi-colon tattoos became popular a few years back as a way to speak about suicide prevention. A semi-colon is used when an author could have chosen to end a sentence but didn't. In this case, the author is you and the sentence is your life. Don't place a period in your life when a semi-colon is all that is needed. Some days we just need a pause. The bad days, the hard days, they don't need to be a period in our sentence, but maybe they make us need to take a breath and a break. Therefore, a semi-colon. A breath and a pause in the rhythm of our lives. So, now with that little tangent completed... I'm still not looking forward to April 10. I would rather still have my dad with me than be finding the grace in a day where I'm remembering him. But, if I had to go through the day, I'm glad that I can go through it steeped in prayer, with dear people, and the unseen reminder of the cross that was marked on my forehead at my baptism. A reminder that tells me this is simply a breath, a pause, on the way to something greater. If you find yourself in a similar situation, or a difficult time, or a time that seems hopeless... know that I am there with you... and with me, remember to breathe... Just breathe. (And because this song has been stuck in my head since about halfway through writing this post.... enjoy "Breathe" by Johnny Diaz). Well, if you couldn't tell from the title, I'm feeling more than a little cranky. I'm telling you, getting old ain't for sissies. Now that I've got that out of my system... What really prompted this post is not the fact that I'm aging (and it would seem poorly, at that). It's that there is a lot of pain in the world and a lot of pain happening for a lot of people I know here. My heart is heavy and breaks for them. It's one of those things that you know if you could do something... anything... to relieve the suffering of a friend you would but there is simply nothing that can be done except to be present and listen. And that is something that can be a struggle for me (and I'm guessing some of you, too). The pain being experienced around me is everything from grief to sickness to loss to growing pains. It is truly important to say here that just because someone is experiencing a different pain it in no way diminishes your own. All too often I hear people say: "Yes, this is hard... but I try not to feel bad/talk about it because I know so many people have it so much worse." Ok, that is probably true, but that does not change the fact that this painful situation is your reality right now and you have absolutely no reason to hide it, deny it, or apologize for it. You are allowed to be sad and to hurt if something happens. It doesn't have to be the worst pain that was ever felt in the world in order to matter. You matter therefore your pain matters. I do have to add possibly one of my favorite things having said that you matter... I'm not even a science person and that makes me giggle. Anyways... back from that tangent. Pain. It really does seem to be everywhere. Something I read once said: "Don't just see the reaction, see the pain behind it." Basically, it is along the lines of the theory that behind every person who hurts others is a person who has been hurt. When people are in pain we do some of the darnedest things. We may lash out. It might be that if we hurt we want everyone around us to feel some of that pain, too. Because pain is lonely and we generally don't like to feel lonely. Or we may withdraw. Perhaps it is just too much and we don't want to have to keep answering the question: "Are you ok?" or "What's wrong?" This can be especially true when you can't quite put a finger on why you don't feel right, you just don't. Saying that can sometimes result in quizzical glances that can feel heavy with judgment. Or you might just plaster a smile on your face, say everything is fine, but those who know you can see the lines of stress around your eyes and around your smile. It's hard to force a smile to reach your eyes when you're in pain. Regardless, this world is hurting. I see it all the time on social media. Posts that are derogatory, which we know is not going to change one single thing, are shared repeatedly. People spend exorbitant amounts of time debating some topic on Facebook and both parties are just going to walk away feeling righteously indignant and as though they "won" the argument. (Let me just tell you, no one "wins" on a Facebook argument... we ALL lose.") How, then, can we respond to the pain a friend is experiencing? One common way I see happen that really isn't super helpful to the person in pain but really helps the comforter feel better is to play "magic fixer." This is where you try to "solve" the other person's problem, even if it's not something necessarily "fixable." Typical responses tend to be: "Well, maybe if you..." or "Don't worry, it will get better" or "the pain gets less, I swear." They are characterized by the feeling that if you can just 'fix' it or the person the pain disappears. The reasons this approach is often unhelpful are: 1) A lot of times there isn't a way to "fix" the problem. It's an issue that cannot easily be resolved. 2) More than likely your "solution" or quick-fix has either been tried or dismissed as not effective. So, unless the person you're talking with says: "Hey... I've got this problem, can you help me figure something out?" Offering solutions is not going to ease the pain. My husband is notorious for this. It got to the point where I had to learn to preface statements with: "I don't want you to try and fix this..." He appreciates the heads up and cue for what to do and it saves me the frustration of having to nix or shoot down unrequested "fixes." If it is unclear to you as to whether or not the person would like your help trying to fix the situation the best course of action is just to ask: "Would you like me to help you think through some possible solutions?" or "Would it help to try to talk through different avenues?" More than likely what your friend/partner/spouse/child is looking for when they come to you hurting is not a list of possible solutions, but rather just someone to listen. Not to listen with the intention of responding with a solution. But just to really hear what they are saying and to acknowledge their pain. It's truly a holy space when someone chooses to share in this way because it is an indicator of trust in you that you will hold their pain without belittling/dismissing them or trying to turn them into a project. This is also incredibly difficult as I mentioned earlier. Because most of us have been taught to listen with the intention to formulate a well-crafted response. Pain isn't rational. Pain does not expect nor need a well-crafted response. Pain demands to be felt. And sometimes that pain can be too much for one person to endure and so they seek out someone they trust to share their suffering and hopefully find a partner in shouldering this burden to make it even just a fraction lighter. Why is this hard? Most people do not like to see others in pain, especially those for whom we care. Our natural instinct becomes to try and get rid of what is causing the pain regardless of it is actually something that can be gotten rid of. In essence, then, we are fighting against our natural impulse to fix and instead, choosing to enter into the pain with the other person and just being. Acknowledging to them that, yes, this does indeed suck, and it is painful, and that their feelings aren't completely out of whack. It's providing a space to be angry, upset, and hurt without fear of judgment or repercussions. There aren't a lot of places that it is socially acceptable to just completely break down and react with whatever primal feeling is within you. To find that kind of space in a trusted person is like finding gold. It's something to be treasured and held dear. David is often that space for me. The space where I can go and yell or scream or cry about how unfair it all is, how much it hurts, and how I don't want this to be my reality without having to backtrack and explain or make excuses or apologies. He gives me the safe space in my life to just finally breathe. When I saw my therapist the other day, one of the first things out of my mouth was "I feel like I can't breathe. It's like I can't take a deep breath or everything is going to fall apart and hurt so much." In the midst of painful situations or difficult times we might hold our breath - figuratively or literally - just trying to power through. Yet, unfortunately, it can happen that you get through that first awful thing and find yourself walking right into another one. If this happens enough times in a row you haven't had the chance to stop and take that deep breath that will clear your mind and let you think rationally. This is why it's so important to have that person or people in your life who can be your breathing space. And it's why it's so important that we learn and practice the art of simply being with one another. Because you have no idea how long it's been since the other person has been able to take a deep breath. Well, I guess what I want to boil this all down to is to ask you to walk gently with anyone you encounter. You have no idea what weight, grief, sorrow or hurt they are bearing. Live gently. Leave space in your life for loved ones to breathe. And if you feel sorrow pulling you down find that safe person in your life who will just listen and provide you the room to finally breathe deeply once more.
I dipped into the suggestions I received when I asked on Facebook what people might want me to blog about and one was "How about choosing to extend grace?" This piqued my interest tonight so here we go. One of the first things that I think of when I'm asked about grace is to explain it alongside the concept of mercy. Mercy is choosing not to punish another even when they deserve it. Grace, then, is receiving something that we don't earn or deserve. Look, there's even all sorts of pretty images on Google that put this into a nice succinct quote. In my Christian viewpoint, this is to say that "grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve." To break this down: 1) As a people, we are broken. We mess up all the time. I mean, all the time. We are constantly doing things that break our relationship to God and to one another. Both of those matter because our relationship to God can give us a center and a strength. Yet, God has declared, repeatedly, that our relationship to God's self is reflected in how we care for one another here. So, when we break relationships here we break our relationship with God. We don't always do this on purpose. That's the thing about being a flawed human, we sometimes do the things we don't want or mean to do in spite of our best intentions. 2) Since we are a broken, flawed creation, God could, rightly, judge and condemn us because of our pursuit of those things that are not-God, the things that break our relationship with God and one another. We get so wrapped up in seeking the things that will create the easiest and most pleasant path forward that we don't always pay attention to how it might hurt or affect others. Because of this, God could say, "Hey... Guys... stop doing the thing... seriously. Cause if you don't stop, I'm going to punish you and you're not going to like it. (My inspiration for that wording comes from the video "Honest Preacher" which is quite possibly one of my favorite pastor parody videos ever). 2 (continued - cause I can). That's basically exactly what we tend to do... We walk up to God and go "Whoops." And God is like "Guysssss!!!! Seriously?" 3. Therefore, God is is presented with two options. Either give us what we deserve - punishment, or don't give us what we deserve - mercy. Because I believe that God is good and loving, I trust that God continues to shower us with mercy because of the great love God holds for us. 4) So, now that we know that we don't get what we do deserve (in other words, mercy), we should probably be good, right? Shouldn't mercy be enough? Well... sure... if we were content to live a life that is constantly in the state of waiting to see the result of what we have done (action --> reaction). Thankfully, God realized that all that did was make us into even more anxious monkeys. 5) So, what did God decide to do with these anxious monkeys? God knew we really struggled with living into the guide given to us for a best life in harmony with one another. This meant that all we would ever have time to do was offer up burnt offerings in order to make up for our many and varied "oopses." If all we were doing was burning up offerings because we were so worried about how much we were falling short and trying to convince God to show us mercy we really weren't living up to the other things that God really wanted us to pay attention to. That's from Micah 6:8. What does God require of us? Those three things. We do those, we are living into God's desire for the people of God. Yet, somehow, we still mess it up. Which leads to... 6) Grace. Grace is all about giving us what we don't deserve because God loves us. Such as forgiveness. Like, the ultimate forgiveness through Christ's death on the cross. This freed these anxious monkeys from our cyclical routine of messing up, going to God and saying "oops" and then offering a burnt offering. Rinse... repeat. Instead, God said, "All right... I'm gonna simple this up a bit. I forgive you. Through the sacrifice of Christ to overcome death and the grave, you don't have to worry about all those burnt offerings and stuff. That means you can circle back to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with God." 7) Guess what...? We still mess up. I mean, Jesus simplified it even more for us. "Love God, love one another." That's it. And we still can't get that right. Guyyyysssss.... you're making me look bad in front of God. Just kidding. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else. I struggle with snap judgments, withholding forgiveness, anger, bitterness, unkind words, etc. 8) So... what then? Are we just supposed to cross our fingers and hope that we stay on the good side of luck and God? What exactly is our responsibility if we know going into it we aren't going to be able to live up to it? We offer extravagant grace as often as we are able. One example I've given my congregation before is when people come to me asking for help. A lot of these people will have their story ready to go as soon as you take a breath because they know if they don't get it out the likelihood of help, or even just having someone listen, go down dramatically. Yes, it is quite possible that I am being taken advantage of by some of these people. I do my best to verify if the need is valid since I have access to limited funds and I want to use them responsibly. But, most of the time there really isn't any way to verify a story and then what is there to do? Offer grace. Abundant and extravagant grace. Help as I am able without demanding anything in return. Why? Why give the benefit of the doubt? Why help when there is a likelihood you are being taken advantage of? Why put myself out there? We do it because it is a response to the extravagant grace we have received from God. I serve a God who is all about unmerited grace and forgiveness and second, third, and fourth chances. If, in all of my messed up brokenness, God can see something beautiful and worth saving and forgiving and loving, I can see something beautiful and worth saving, loving and forgiving in others. One of my favorite Christian songs - At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott. Some of my favorite lyrics are: "At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet, you have shown me your love... Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown." We are given every opportunity to dust off the ash and brokenness of our lives through the love, grace and mercy of God. When we wear forgiveness like a crown we cannot help but offer that same forgiveness and grace to others as they come before us. Not because it's going to earn us any more stars in our crowns or because we're afraid of getting in trouble, but because we have seen such incredible and beautiful love and grace from God that we can't help but share it with others.
Extravagant grace. Unmatched mercy. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. Wear forgiveness like a crown and know you are loved. So. This is Holy Week. Probably one of the most intense weeks in the life of a pastor, not to mention in a two pastor household. This week between David and myself we will lead 10 services between Thursday through Sunday. This means that we don't see a whole lot of each other during this time. It means that Lucas doesn't get to see a lot of us during this time. Holy week means that we seek the easiest possible meals to prepare because we're just wiped out. It means that as much as I love holy week it can be difficult for me to actually worship. This means that my brain is kind of one step above mush. Therefore, this post probably won't be all that deep or meaningful. Someone asked what it is like to be a pastor mom married to another pastor. One of the ways that I can express what this is what holy week is like. It's really hard to feel like a good mom during weeks like this because of the amount of time I am away from home. By the time Sunday ends Lucas will have spent A LOT of time with babysitters. My guess is that he will be asking for me and David. Although he loves his sitters there is nothing like mommy and daddy for little man. I particularly think that Sunday is going to be tough for little man. Sunday morning I have a sunrise service at 6:30 am. (This means that I'll get to church around 5:30 am, which means waking up about 4:45.) This also leaves David on his own with Lucas. A Lucas who he will have to get up and out the door by 6:40 so that he can drop him at my church by 6:45 so that he can get to his church for their services. All of this means that by the time things are wrapped up at my church (probably around 12:45) poor Lucas will have been at church for 6 hours. (Poor Sophie, too). 6 hours at church for a 4 year old means that he will likely be less than happy after being woken up early and leaving early without our normal routine, which means a less than nice pre-schooler. This usually includes tantrums, yelling, screaming, running, etc. Which isn't always met with understanding or joy by everyone. It makes it hard for me to feel like a very good mommy when I know my son is falling into grumpy territory and there isn't a whole lot I can do to help him find his calm. So, yeah, holy week offers quite the challenge to the mommy side of my mommy/pastor identity. The mommy guilt kicks in pretty intensely. In addition to this mommy guilt about being absent from my son and putting my son through hours of church that is a little beyond his patience, we also probably will not celebrate Easter with him until Monday. I mean, we'll attempt it Sunday afternoon, but by the time we take our all family nap time, have a snack, and generally start to feel human again, having an Easter egg hunt and baskets is kind of unlikely. Therefore, we probably will do that fun on Monday. This is probably the last year we'll be able to get away with it. I'm not sure what to do at that point but we'll figure it out when that time comes.
There you have it. Pastor mommy struggles at their height in a busy, difficult season. Sorry for the short post but hope you understand where I'm at and forgive my briefness. Perhaps grace can abound while I gracefully stumble through this week. Blessed holy week to you all! |
AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
April 2019
Categories
All
|