For the last few weeks I have been struggling with anxiety about an approaching date. April 10, 2019. The first of my dad's birthdays he will spend in heaven. I know I'm anxious about it because ever since calendars switched over to April my eyes have sought out that date whenever I glance at a calendar. I've also noticed the other little signs. My leg bouncing incessantly - most of the time without my recognizing I'm doing it unless my leg suddenly seems tired. (Odd sensation, really). It was almost like an April fools joke. April 1 and my mind continually skips ahead to April 10. I have typical questions and thoughts around the date. How will I feel? What will it be like to not make a phone call to my dad to wish him a happy birthday and instead whisper it in a prayer to lift up. If you know me at all you know that I don't do well with the unknown. I want to know, I want to plan, I want to be able to have an idea where things are headed. So, going into this day is going to be tough simply because I don't know what to expect. Honestly, this wouldn't be as bad if it fell on, say a Monday, my day off, where I could either go be with my mom or at least stay at home and feel my feels. But, it's on a Wednesday. During Lent. April 10th this year will kick off with Bible study and wrap up with worship, so there are worse ways I could spend the day. I worry, though, about my emotions on the day. I do not like to be emotional in front of others, especially when working and "in pastor mode." So, hopefully my emotions will stay under control. Although, if I've learned anything, the likelihood of everything staying "under control" is unlikely. Not impossible but maybe not realistic. So, anyway, the other thing that happened on an April 10 is that it is my baptismal birthday. When my dad and mom talked about having me baptized, dad wanted it to be on his birthday. So those days are intrinsically linked. And it is kind of beautiful to me. It brings me some measure of comfort. I was just shy of 4 months old when I was baptized. I was a stinkin' cute baby if you ask me. That right there is my family. I, of course, and the cute baby in the white dress. It is from my baptism. Obviously I don't remember the day, but I love that I have a picture of it. That day is special. Even more so now. That day was my dad's birthday and my re-birth day. A re-birth into the promise of life eternal with Christ. A washing away of my old self and the day I was marked with the cross of Christ. I was baptized into the life, death and resurrection of Christ. On that day we were reminded of how the Word met the water, I was made a part of the family of Christ. Now, on April 10, 2019, I will be remembering my dad on the first birthday without him here. I will be reminded of the power of the grave and death in our lives. It will be a stark reminder to me of the brevity of this life and the passing of each breath. April 10 this year will be one that likely will have stuttered breaths, long deep breaths, and probably tears. And if the tears come, I will be thankful for them, because it will remind me of the other important message of April 10. They will remind me of the promises that are made to us by a loving God. The salty tears will force me to remember God's promise that the grave will not have the last say in life. I will be able to take solace in the knowledge that no grave is stronger than the promises of God. Now, that song is awesome. (The video... not so much... except for the hype-woman who I aspire to be one day). It is the reminder I need for the day that is to come. It is the reminder that even Christ faced death and the grave. Even he lay cold in the grave before he overcame. This was done out of love for us. It was done to open the way and free us so that we could live out his final command, to love one another. Although my dad has passed and I will miss him dearly on his birthday, I have the marvelous gift of that day being my baptismal birthday as well. It's a gift that let's me hear the truth that Jesus has overcome the grave and my dad is at rest. The above image is one I found as I was looking for pictures for this blog post and I fell in love with it. It's a way of seeing our last heartbeat move us through the way that was opened by Christ so that we might live again. That last heartbeat, as hard as it is, also speaks of the time to come when there will be no more crying, no more pain, no more sorrow. That last heartbeat is not the end; it is simply a pause before the next part of our life. The first image is nice as well. It incorporates the semi-colon in there, which I adore. Semi-colon tattoos became popular a few years back as a way to speak about suicide prevention. A semi-colon is used when an author could have chosen to end a sentence but didn't. In this case, the author is you and the sentence is your life. Don't place a period in your life when a semi-colon is all that is needed. Some days we just need a pause. The bad days, the hard days, they don't need to be a period in our sentence, but maybe they make us need to take a breath and a break. Therefore, a semi-colon. A breath and a pause in the rhythm of our lives. So, now with that little tangent completed... I'm still not looking forward to April 10. I would rather still have my dad with me than be finding the grace in a day where I'm remembering him. But, if I had to go through the day, I'm glad that I can go through it steeped in prayer, with dear people, and the unseen reminder of the cross that was marked on my forehead at my baptism. A reminder that tells me this is simply a breath, a pause, on the way to something greater. If you find yourself in a similar situation, or a difficult time, or a time that seems hopeless... know that I am there with you... and with me, remember to breathe... Just breathe. (And because this song has been stuck in my head since about halfway through writing this post.... enjoy "Breathe" by Johnny Diaz).
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AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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