Happy New Year! Welcome to the 20's! I'm actually pretty psyched for a return of some of the better parts of the roarin' 20s. (I love the Great Gatsby). My social media has been blowing up yesterday and today with posts about "new year, new me" and recaps of how great or mostly great the last year has been for them. I did a list of resolutions that I'd like to try to keep... 1) Find something that I can intentionally spend time doing with Lucas 2) Start cardio drumming again at least 3 times a week (first one tomorrow evening at 7) 3) Set and keep intentional prayer times each day at least twice a day 4) Study Spanish at least once a week [have to start somewhere] (first one-on-one lesson next Thursday) 5) Make intentional time to be with David. 6) Learn more about autism, become more of an advocate 7) Spend more time with my mom 8) Be more of an advocate for us in terms of sharing our adoption profile 9) Be reckleslessly and joyfully kind even in the face of adversity 10) regularly attend Lions Club meetings I know my resolutions are earth shattering or innovative. But, I like them, they are goals that matter to me. Where I really find myself struggling is the whole idea of "the year in review." Facebook keeps trying to give me a photo year in review, but since it uses profile pictures and I use old pictures as profile pics, it's a bit ridiculous. You see, 2019 was a tough year for me. It was the first full year without my dad. I still found myself going to call him on the holidays, or send him a message, or ask my mom about how he's doing. It's been interesting as I know the way grief works and that it's not the same for everyone and all that, but being in the midst of the grief has me critiquing the way in which I am grieving. So, that's a thing. Baby girl did not find her way to us this year which has been incredibly difficult. I really thought this was going to be the year that our little family became complete. Missing someone who isn't here yet, I've found, is almost as difficult as missing someone who'd not here anymore. Waiting for baby girl has been a test. It's a hard thing to grieve out loud because people want to be loving and helpful. "It'll be in God's time." "She's on her way." "It's just not the right time." are common phrases I've heard. And I know that they are all true. I get that this is going to be in God's time and that God's time is not my time, but I want to be angry about that... I want to be sad about that. Scripture is filled with people who were not patient waiters and God still worked in their lives. The Israelites grumbled the whole 40 years in the wilderness. Sarai mourned and gave up on the ability to have children to the point she laughed when it was prophesied. If God can handle their doubts and sorrow, surely God can handle my grief. I regularly come up with reasons why she isn't here, my personal favorite being that with Lucas's diagnosis of Autism and his difficulties with transitioning into Kindergarten, it would have been a difficult time to bring a new little one into the picture. Waiting for God to bring our new co-pastor to St. Luke's was another way I explained it to myself. It will make the way straighter if I had a co-pastor to step in during maternity leave. Yet, no matter how many really great statements I offer myself or am offered, it doesn't change the fact that my heart grieves and longs for the little one who isn't here yet. It's like being so close to finishing a puzzle but there is one piece that is missing and no matter what I do, I can't finish it, I have to wait for someone else to bring the piece to me. If you want to help us out and spread the word about our desire to adopt, share this link that goes to our adoption site. davidandrobyn-adopt.com If you're anything like me, you might be thinking "Ok Robyn, just shake yourself out of it." But, David has been working with me to be a little more gentle with myself. So, I looked back at my year again and what I saw was that there were more things - both big and little - that contributed to this feeling of crawling across the calendar into a new year. As I mentioned above, our (almost) 6 year old Lucas was diagnosed with autism. That has been a hard and exhausting journey. I am not unfamiliar with autism. I had a pretty good sense of it. But it was like something out of an alternate reality when I was living with that new understanding of my son day in and day out. In case you're interested, there are many ways to berate, belittle, and blame yourself when your child gets this diagnosis. All of which are ridiculous. Also, it's even to feel like the world is ending. And, well, it kind of is. The world that I knew as a mom, as a working mom, has changed drastically in the last year. I've always been a schedule oriented person but with Lucas it has had to go to a whole new level. There are so... so.... so many doctors appointments. There was his struggle to adapt to Kindergarten - multiple times having to go and pick him up because it was just not working. I got to know the ISD staff really well. And I am super grateful for them. They have been incredible people and if you have a child with special needs. do not hesitate to get to know your ISD staff because they understand navigating the twists and turns and can be some of your biggest supports and champions. On top of the doctors and the calls to pick him up there were the multiple IEP meetings to figure out how to help him. My calendar ended up looking like a blob of color on my screen because David is in blue, I'm in pink, office is in purple, Lucas is in teal, babysitters are in green, and cursory stuff that I need to keep in mind are in yellow... I just wanted to cry at times. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I yelled and railed against the unfairness. I wrote and erased more emails than I have in the last 10 years. You may have noticed that part of my resolutions for the new year involve autism. I still have a lot to learn and I want to become and advocate, not just for us and for Lucas, but eventually for other parents/guardians who are trying to navigate the unpredictable waters of autism. Then, there were the little things that on their own aren't all that much, but cumulatively can be crushing. The phone calls to friends I meant to make and didn't. The visits I wanted to undertake and didn't. Little odd jobs around the house that I told myself could wait til the next time I had time. Missed bedtimes, words spoken in anger, disconnection between myself and loved ones... This world is not helping either. There are so many things... but I won't go there. This is not the post for that. Suffice it to say, there was a person I wanted to be at 12:01 am on January 1, 2019 and at 11:59 pm on December 31, 2019 I fully realized how much I'm not that person. (Ok, you got me, it was technically more like 10:18 pm when I told myself I was still a rock star and went to bed). Which is why the year in review thing is a struggle for me. Because I could easily recount the joys of the year. The weddings I presided over. The people I was able to interact with and help. The youth I was able to spend time with. Time with my son and my husband that I wouldn't trade for anything. All of that is there. But... my remembrances of those times always seem tinted by my realization of not being who I wanted to be at that time. Wanting to be healthier (but too lazy); wanting to have more time with loved ones (but deciding I'm too busy), wanting to be kinder, smarter, wiser, happier... That little voice in my head that likes to point out all the places I didn't quite make it. And it just feels like I start every new year with this little pile of stuff that whirls in with all the unmet expectations, the unrealized hopes, the scars and sorrows that are still there... and I always seem to feel like I'm entering each year a little more tired, a little slower, a little more weighed down by what I am carrying... So, instead of roaring into the 20's, I feel like I'm dragging myself in with a squeak. With all of this clattering around my head last night and this morning, I made a decision. "Happy New Year" is not going to be a simple pleasantry for me. "Welcome to 2020" won't be a simple greeting. I am going to come into this year with "Cheers to a new year" on my lips like a battle cry. I'm going to bring with me the things that need to come, I'm going to leave behind the things that will always be what they have been, and I'm going to be recklessly kind.
I am going to endeavor to be extravagantly kind to people I disagree with, with people I don't know, with people I know too well, and I'm going to be recklessly kind with myself. I am going to push myself to strive for my goals but I'm also going to forgive myself when I mess up. I am going to be unapologetic in my grief, both for my dad and for the baby girl I have yet to meet. The desire to embrace and live into the grief instead of trying to avoid it or deny it will be stronger this year. I want to be able to demonstrate healthy grief in a world that still struggles to understand or welcome it. 2020 isn't magically going to be the most amazing year. I understand that. There are going to be struggles and sorrows and pains and frustrations. But, I want it to be a year that when I reach December 31 I look back and realize that I did my best, that I approached difficult situations with kindness and peace, and that I forgave more than I held grudges. If I can look back on this year and say it's defining word is "grace" I will be happy. So, to all my friends out there who are entering this new year carrying a lot of the pains and sorrows and stresses of 2019, be gentle with yourself. And maybe join me in my battle cry: "Cheers to a new year!"
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**Warning - I do not intend this post to get political, but there are some aspects of the adoption process that can't help but be political. If you don't want to read one more thing that has anything to do with politics, you should stop reading now. If you choose to keep reading here is my disclaimer: I will not debate this on Facebook/social media. If you want to have a conversation there are other ways to have it. These are simply my thoughts and reflections as an adoptive mother.** Ok, so if you're still with me: Over the last few weeks there has been a lot in the news and in conversations about abortion. One of the most common statements that I've been seeing has been: "Make adoption cheaper and then abortion won't be as easy a choice." As an adoptive parent, this statement gets me riled up because it is a false dichotomy. The costs associated with each are entirely different for different purposes. And, even though it is a source of frustration for my family, I don't know that the cost of adoption should be lower as much as we need to address the systems that are at play that make the costs so high. There is also a need for logical ways to help off-set the costs of adoption in much the same way pregnancy and birth can be off-set with insurance. Something I see coming from people who do not believe there should be any assistance to adoptive families is: "Well, we had to pay for costs associated with a pregnancy, you need to pay for the costs associated with your adoption." There is a difference. If you have insurance, there is already a net in place. There is an out-of-pocket deductible and limit. With adoption, there is no limit. (Can we just talk about the amazing-ness of the movie Mean Girls for a moment?) So, yeah, with a non-existent limit on adoption costs, it has the potential to get a little out of hand. Also, many doctors and hospitals are willing to set up payment plans. Not so much with adoption. When the money is due, it's due in full, not in any sort of payment plan. The way to get a payment plan is to take out a loan. That all being said, let's talk about the adoption process, the costs, and why they are necessary. The first step and cost in an adoption process is a consultation fee. This, for us, was a meeting at the agency with a social work to go through the specific agency's process, what the expectations were, and the ceremonial handing over of the fee schedule.... well, not so much ceremonial as slid over a table with a practiced, apologetic smile because you know the numbers there are going to hurt. In order to have this consultation we had to pay $100. Once we're through the consultation we have to sign up for the orientation. These are typically held once a month in the evening for about 2 hours at one of the locations of the agency. For us that is about an hour drive. It's a powerpoint slide show describing the process again, going more in depth, talking about why adoption is awesome, what a timeline looks like, and why the different costs are necessary. You get a big binder to take home. Woo binder! (That's one of the few exciting things for me, cause, you know, I love me some binders...) Leslie Knope is my hero. I relate to her on a deep level... Anyway, back to binders and orientations. For the opportunity to undergo this orientation, most of which we knew because we've done this before, we were allowed to pay $150. So far, costs have been related to the employee's time and the materials handed out. If you have made it through the orientation and the consultation, you then get the opportunity to fill out the online application that asks a TON of information about you, your family, your family's dog, your family's dog's family of origin, your preferences for ice cream, and if you sleep on your back, side or stomach... Well... not those things, but it is quite detailed. And here's the even more awesome thing about it.... all of this information that is entered here, is going to have to be re-entered, by you, in countless other forms and ways, so essentially this becomes a practice in futility. Wee. But aren't you glad you now know your mom's cousin's best friend's bat mitzah date? Oh, right, and applying isn't free. This was $400 for us to apply. Cause, someone has to read all that information you put out there... right? Take a deep breath because this is the "official" start of the process. Now, don't be ridiculous, the other stuff we just did is all preliminary. Now, remember all that work you put into the application? You get to do all that again but even MORE in-depth! Hope you saved that original form and didn't submit your only copy... She says from experience... Now, here's another frustration... laws regarding adoption vary from state to state. It's one of the reasons there exists what is called the "ICPC" or "the interstate compact on placement of children." Basically, the government of one state has to say it is ok to bring a child that was born in another state into that state until the hearing procedures are finalized. Oh, and yeah, there's a cost to this as well, if you were wondering. I don't remember the exact amount, but it's what kept us in Illinois a little longer when we were adopting Lucas. Anyways. Laws vary state by state. The fun law we learned for Michigan is that they place a "deadline" by which anyone who starts on the process of getting a homestudy must have a completed one by a certain date. If, for whatever reason, the study is not complete by that date, it actually puts a blackmark against the agency and you have to start all over again. Therefore, the agency we are working with has a specific rule in place that if it is becoming clear that you're not going to make it by that deadline that you actually have to withdraw your application so that it does not go against them. Best guess as to why this law exists: to keep agencies or entities from leading adoptive parents along without moving with due speed to process the home study. But, who knows, it could just be some random rule on the books because Jeffrey's hamster stopped on that square on the bingo board. And you thought I was being facetious about hamster bingo. So, the home study process. This is a process that must be undergone at the beginning of an adoption journey, must be updated annually, and if you move a whole new one needs to happen. What does this include? 1) Adoptive family worksheet - literally basic background on each parent - names, aliases, addresses, family members, education history 2) SAFE Questionnaire. This is hard to explain. It's basically as multiple choice sheet about your family of origin. Who raised you? How do you feel they did? What were their values? What were their personalities and discipline styles? How do you compare with them? What describes your early dating style? What describes your early sexual experiences? What's your relationship with your spouse like? How do you disagree? It's way more than that, too. You can check it out at this website: https://achservices.org/am-site/media/couple-applicant-safe-questionnaire.pdf 3) Medical forms. Time to schedule those physicals with the doctors and pay out any co-pays that come with them. And some doctors will even generously charge you a fee just for completing your paperwork. Guess what? If you have a pet, they need paperwork too. Rabies certificate and vet certification. There you go Chloe. 4) Personal references. Now, it's time to pick four people who you think will say the right things about you and your ability to be a parent when they are being grilled by a short electronic survey sent to them. Even though it is electronic you still need to provide physical addresses and phone numbers. 5) Those references weren't enough. Now you have to make sure you have two work references for each person. This is for income verification. You have to make enough money in order to adopt, doncha know? You can get pregnant whenever you want with whatever income, but don't you dare drop below whatever the unspoken threshold is for adopting and bringing in an income. Thought you might need a little break. Ready? Let's keep on keepin' on. 6) Have you thought about designated guardians for your not yet present child to go to in case of your unlikely demise? No...? Well, guess what, you shall not pass until you name someone to take your bundle of joy when you kick it. (This was a fun conversation: "Hey, so... we don't have a kid yet, we don't know when we might get one, but if and when we do, if we die, will you raise it?") 7) Joy, rapture, it's time for the financial part. Gather up those bank statements, investment statements, mortgage statements, and W2s. Have them ready for when your caseworker comes to visit. 8) While we're on financials, here's a worksheet that will take most of the information from the documents you've already gathered and put them into one neat and tidy packet, but they still want you to keep the rest of it out so they can look at it. This will also ask you for your budget, any outstanding loans you have, student loans, credit cards, etc. 9) Are you ready for the required reading and education part? There's a lot of required reading... even if you've already adopted. Basic materials about being a parent, about being an adoptive parent, about the impact of drug use on infants during the pregnancy, etc. This includes lessons on the right language to use for adoption. This one I actually like a lot because so many people don't think about what they're saying when they ask about things with adoption and it can actually be really hurtful. Then, be ready to prepare a couple sentence summaries of the studying you've done. I am still not convinced that anyone read these summaries... (You also do not get to choose the topics for the continuing education which is frustrating in it's own way). Hey! You're still here! Rock on! 10) Right... I almost forgot, before you do any of this you are supposed to start your background check process because these things take forever. At the price of $62.50 a person you head to one of the designated fingerprinting locations as well as completing the paperwork for this. If you thought you needed some obscure information before, just wait. You have to travel back 5 years in terms of background checks and for some agencies they want to run them in whatever state you were born in just in case. If you want a background check in Pennsylvania and you went to college and you had roommates, you need to make sure that you know their middle names. That's right, David had to find out what his college roommates middle names were in order to complete his background check. 11) Now, you need to fill out the openness in adoption paperwork. How open are you willing to have the relationship between you and the birth parents? Open, semi-open, closed? These are all various ways a relationship might form and then within each of these are subsets of what this can entail. 12) Now comes the big moment... the interview. For this agency we had to do 2 interviews at their location and they came to us once. Because we live 55 miles from the agency, we therefore do not fall into the "50 miles or less" realm and it costs extra for the case manager to come to our house. Basically these interviews cover everything you've submitted but in verbal form. We did one each individually, then a joint one, and then jointly here at our house with Lucas. She came and looked around our house, talked to us, talked to Lucas, petted Chloe, and left. 13) Here is a first really big cost. $1,950 for the home study. At this point it was only a $10 extended travel fee, so $1,960 for the home study. This is to "process all of the information." 14) Is your profile active now? Nope. Next is the networking bundle fee. This is where the agency connects you with a profile building company and you give them pictures, writings about your family, letters to the birthparents, etc, and they make it into a pretty website and a book that the agency will show to anyone that matches with you so they can look through the soundbytes of your life and make a decision on if you are the right one to choose... This, dear friends, is $2,500. Congratulations! Your profile is active! You are in the running to be picked. But there is no way to guess how long that's going to take. So, in the mean time, you'll need to pay $250 a quarter to stay as an "active" profile with the agency. You'll also have to complete monthly continuing education readings and summaries. After a year, if you have not been chosen, you have to have a homestudy update. This is redoing the background checks, filling out all the same paperwork, and providing all your references and financial information along with the medical information. That's another $62.50 each for the background checks, the doctors co-pays, and the time cost. Oh, and they have to come to your house again to make sure everything looks the same. This update costs $675. Oh, but since we're 5 miles outside the 50 mile radius, we owe $100 extra in travel fees. So, $750 plus background checks plus doctors co-pays... That's the update cost. And that's what we're in the process of completing at this time. To date, we have paid $5,750 to the agency. That does not include the outside costs I've mentioned and it doesn't include the amount we paid to a different agency before this one that didn't work out. Oh, yeah, if you want to be listed with more than one agency, there's a big cost to that as well. Are we close to done? Not even maybe. A match is made, the birthparents have chosen you! Now what? For us, this is where the loan acquistion will happen. It's a $5,000 escrow to start covering the $195 / hour + mileage + expenses for the social worker to do what they do - meeting with the birthparents, meeting with you, going where they need, getting paperwork ready... This gets used, often times, to help the birthparents. I'll talk about that a little later... It's $10,000 due when we sign the adoptive petitions. But, you're still not done yet. Once you have the baby in your arms in your home, there is the waiting period where birthparents have a chance to change their minds. There is the waiting period for the court date to make everything legal. (This is a particularly nerve-wracking time and the generic advice is to not make it too public or get too attached to your little one because this is still a time of uncertainty.) And there is the court date where you go before the judge. There are all the legal fees that aren't even detailed out in pre-adoption paperwork. Uh-uh-uh - you didn't think you were done yet? After all of that, there are post-placement visits, where they come out to make sure everything is on the up and up. $300 - $350 per visit, plus $100 extended travel fees (each time). There are usually 3-6 post-placement visits. And there it is, the costs of adoption (*through the agency we are using) Now, let's remember what sparked my whole rant here.... The dichotomy being set up between adoption and abortion. Specifically for me it's the following post that's been floating around: While so many of the fees with adoption may seem arbitrary or self-serving for the agencies, there's more to the story than that.
Most of these agencies use a lot of the funding they bring in to help the birth mothers and birth fathers. This money goes toward counseling for them so that they can gain a full picture of what their options are before making a decision. The funds go toward helping with medical costs. Some of these women are going to be on medicaid, but how much does medicaid cover? There are a lot of optional medical tests and appointments that aren't required but go a long way toward ensuring the health of the birthmother and the child. It goes toward helping purchase maternity clothing, which is not cheap but needed. It helps with bills and food costs. This is because at a certain point in the pregnancy, the jobs that the birthmothers may hold are not pregnancy friendly and she will take leave. This may or may not mean that she loses her source of income. It's also to help with post-birth costs, again, so that the birth mother can have some breathing space before needing to go right back to work. This money is used to help with addiction education and recovery. It helps with diapers or needed items for the little ones in their households. This is where I think our system needs some serious attention. If a woman chooses to carry a pregnancy, she is looking at a lot of ways she may be further penalized in the process - whether it's job insecurity or loss of wages or such. The medical system is broken to the point where it's pick and choose on what you'll do because the wrong choice could put you so far in debt that you'll never make your way out again. Overall society has this tendency to look down on women who get pregnant when they don't intend. They want her to carry the child to term whether or not that is viable. Mental health plays a major role in a healthy pregnancy and for some that option is just not present. The job situations and what kind of family leave that is available play a role. All of these impact abilities to make a birth adoption plan for a child. The costs that are associated with adoption often will strive to help make up the gap between what society offers and what is realistically needed to help women who want to make a birth placement plan for their child. Which is why I don't necessarily believe the answer is simply "lower the cost of adoption." Put programs in place that help off-set some of these costs. Fix some of the brokenness in the system so that the agencies are not having to be the middle man in providing what is missing. Make mental health care accessible and affordable. Make birth control accessible and affordable. Make health care affordable and accessible. Put in place grants for adoption that are not all religious based. So many of them require adherence to a very strict faith statement, many of which would mean saying that my calling as a pastor would be invalid... If we want adoption to be the viable choice don't narrow down the help available. Don't only promote agencies that require faith statements or specific make-ups of the family. Awareness needs to be raised in society. People need to understand the mechanics of adoption and foster care. What does it actually mean? And there needs to be funding in place to help birth parents and adoptive parents be able to afford and raise children with special needs. This is becoming so prevalent because there are children being born with special needs that do not get adopted and end up in the system and then they age out of the system and end up on their own with little to no help. This is even true of children who are not special needs. Older children who end up in the foster care system do not usually have a high rate of adoption. Currently there are approximately 443,000 children in the foster care system in the United States. More than 23,000 children age out of the system every year. These are children who may not have a stable home, who may not have had an upbringing preparing them for adulthood, and they are ending up out on their own trying to figure things out. 20% of these children aging out become instantly homeless. 7 of 10 girls who age out of the foster care system will be pregnant before the age of 21. I think a lot of people are still functioning under the belief that this process is still like little orphan Annie or Despicable Me where someone walks into an orphanage, sizes up all the children, and picks the one they like the best. The process has changed and if society wants it to be the choice that people make they need to change what is hindering that option in society. Let's change the system. Let's break the unhealthy cycles that exist. Let's care enough to learn about adoption, foster care, aging out, special needs, and more, and figure out how to address these issues before we start saying that we need to lower the cost of adoption. I will gladly pay the cost of adoption if it helps women and birthparents who are struggling in the face of trauma, brokenness, and fear. Til I take my last breath I will say that all people are created in the image of God and all people deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and care. Not because they have done something to deserve it but because they are people and that is enough. Lately I've had a lot of questions about our adoption process and how it's going. This seemed like an easier way of sharing that information. So, after the grueling process of creating our album and profile and getting all the needed items for the website, we began an official "active" profile. You can actually view it here. Feel free to share it as the more shares it gets the more likely we are to find a match. Once we officially become an "active" profile we enter into what Dr. Seuss might call "the waiting place." In his book "The Places You Will Go" the waiting place is described as a "most useless place." And I have to agree. This is the part of the process that we really have no control over except to keep adding entries about our family and try and get our profile shared as much as possible. Since we are specifically seeking a baby girl our wait time is going to be longer. The agency will not show our profile to any expectant mothers, only women who have given birth to a baby girl and have not made an adoption plan for their baby yet. The other way we might get a call is if there is a safe delivery that matches up with our profile and we are next on "the list." So, you can imagine, those situations are not super common which means that we wait. It's not a time without any work required on our part. Of course, there are the quarterly payments that we have to make simply to be a part of the agency's network. There are quarterly "continuing education" articles we have to read and offer a reflection on. And if we hit a year from when we had our homestudy and have not had a placement we must pay for and undergo a homestudy update. Yeah... so not only a boring waiting place... an expensive boring waiting place. And anyone who knows me knows that I am not good with waiting without purpose or something to do. This is a time that very distinctly reminds me that God is God and I am not. (good song you can hear here) So, this time is filled with a lot of waiting, praying, frustration and hope. It is filled with anger and second-guessing. "Why couldn't I get pregnant?" "Maybe we should re-think IVF. I know it's expensive and not guaranteed, but hey, at least we'd be DOING something... anything..." Yeah, poor David may have been subjected to that conversation the other night. Followed by tears from me and a request for stress ice cream. Oh, and I forgot to mention the delightful part of this time. With the quarterly updates about how many placements they've done, how many waiting families they have, and our quarterly homework, they also send out a number... A number that tells you how many times your profile has been shown to a birthmother. (Your profile is only shown if you and she match up on many different points in the profile). Our profile has been shown a grand total of....... . . . . ZERO times. David and I have incredibly different opinions on this. He would rather we don't receive that number. He doesn't see what good could possibly come of it. But me? I NEED that number. I need to see what has happened. I need to see that SOMETHING is happening. I don't know how I'll feel when that number is something other than zero, indicating we were not chosen, but for now, I need that number.
So, I guess the answer to the question: "How is the adoption coming along?" is simply: "We're waiting. We wait and we pray and we dream and we hope for the day that God finds us our baby girl. And that day will come. We just don't know when. But thank you for asking us. Thank you for caring enough to follow up. And thank you for not avoiding us because you don't know what to say. Things like "I'll keep you in my prayers" or "That's gotta be hard" or even just "Ok, I hope you hear something soon" help me remember that we do not wait alone but in a community of loving, supportive friends and family. We love you all! Today was an exciting day in our household. The social worker that is overseeing our adoption process came for visit three of three and at the end told us that she intends to approve us to enter into the waiting parents pool. This is a huge day for us because it's the day that tells us all the hard work, interviews, questioning, etc has reached a point where we can, hypothetically, at any point receive the phone call that tells us a birth mother has chosen us to make an adoption plan with. Before she and her intern arrived today David and I were nervous. We had a lot of energy bouncing around and we were fidgeting, cleaning, finding spots and fuzz. I posted to Facebook asking for prayers for the visit. Prayers and well-wishes poured in. I am so grateful for the cloud of witnesses and saints that surround us with their love, support and prayers. Following the visit I shared that the social worker said she had no qualms about approving us. Again, congratulations and celebrations followed. In both, though, there were the supportive questions of "did you really have any doubts that it would work out?" The short answer to that question is yes, yes, we were actually nervous about the home study. There's a longer answer though. If you're satisfied with the simple yes, now's the time to click onto another page or check out this adorable video of puppies playing with toys. However, if you're interested in the longer explanation, still watch the video because, seriously, adorable, but then keep reading! Well, hi there seekers of the longer explanation! I hope you enjoyed the adorable puppies. (Seriously... if you didn't watch it... go back right now!) I'm going to walk you through what the process would be like if you were going to go through it while trying to conceive naturally. I want you to imagine that you and your partner decide that it's time that you'd like to conceive and as you start to go to the bedroom, you have to stop and answer a bunch of questions as a preliminary screening. Basically names, address, basic financials, places of employment, members of your family, who lives in your house, etc. Assuming you answer those questions well you actually make it into the bedroom. Huzzah! Nothing more to worry about, right? You wish. It actually is just starting to get awkward. As you are getting intimate with your partner someone who is a stranger to you comes in and tells you that you need to go through an orientation in order to properly proceed through the process and then decide if you would like to continue. Right. So, if you manage to keep going after the pre-application and the couple hour long orientation, you're still not ready. You are now instructed to complete the formal application, but once you have completed that, the state has a ruling that you only have 90 days from the time you submit that application to getting in all the of the required paperwork and complete the 3 home study visits, so you have to make sure that when you submit that application you feel confident you have the kind of time available to really commit to completing this first part of the process. So, not stressed yet, right? Still feeling pretty confident that you're going to make it through with no problems? If so, good for you! If not, just wait. Next, as you and your partner, once again, try to become intimate, your room starts getting more crowded. In order to complete this application and this process you have to start inviting some other people in. You need to invite your employer in because they will be contacted to make sure that is, indeed, where you work and that you make the amount of money you have said you do. You're also asked to invite at least four of your close friends who would be able to vouch for you and tell the social worker that you are as awesome as you are claiming you are and that you have a strong relationship and you should be trusted with kids. So, once your employers and friends are there, you need to make sure that you can recite the birthdays, ages, and health statuses of your families. Is your room getting crowded yet? Better make some room because you also need to have your doctors present (and the doctors of any children in the house) to verify that you are healthy enough to be partaking in such an endeavor. Tell everyone to squeeze it in because you also need to invite the vet over if you have any pets so that they can verify your pet has all it's shots and is properly cared for. Make room for the police so that they can run your background checks. It means that you have to submit them for every place you've lived. ] I hope your filing cabinet is also in your bedroom because you will need to look up how much money is in your savings and checking accounts. Also, better have on hand what your balances are in any retirement accounts, any investments, etc. Do you know how much you owe on your cars? Credit cars? Student loans? If not, better get that information, too. How much remains due on your mortgage? What is the monthly payment? By the way, have you signed over your soul yet? It is possible to accidentally sign that line if you're not paying attention, so I encourage you to be careful. Speaking of finances, I sure hope you have a nice amount set away or at least have access to some funds... or maybe know where to get some low interest loans... or, I hear the black market is always looking for a few good kidneys, because adopting is not an inexpensive prospect. Add some money onto what you think it may be costing. Maybe keep going. More than $10,000 less than $40,000 with the agency we are working with. In that filing cabinet you better also have copies of your birth certificates, drivers licenses, social security cards, and other identifying information. You REALLY have to prove that you are who you say you are. Oh! Before you're able to really get started, you need to make sure that you do the appropriate education. Usually ends up being about 20-30 hours worth of education on parenting. Don't worry, there will be a question and answer portion to make sure that you actually did the assigned work. It doesn't matter whether or not you have any other children. You obviously do not know enough, so keep studying. Oh, and if you don't manage to conceive within a year, you'll have to update most of this, including education. By the by, have you discussed what it is you'd like in a child? Boy? Girl? What age? Would you like to do this locally or travel? What races would you consider? How much are you willing to consider in terms of exposure to drugs, alcohol, or possible incest? Better figure all this out before you start. While you're thinking about what you'd like to see in a child you have to make sure that you have the plan in place for what will happen to this child that is currently only a glimmer should anything happen to you and your partner. That's right, you need to figure out a plan for your not even conceived child in case of the tragic passing of both of you. Don't stay too somber. While you're compiling all this you need to be in conversation with your social worker and go over your family backgrounds, your work histories, your relationship with your partner, your relationship with your dog, your relationship with your neighbor's cousin's mother-in-law's dog... Well, not that far, but they really do study the relationships in your life. You'll have to do some inventories too in order to determine if you have any red flags in terms of mental health, that you appropriately discipline children, and that you are aware of appropriate language to use for your child rearing. This will take two really long meetings. Hey! I forgot to mention, while you're inviting people in, I hope you invited your entire social network including your workplaces. A couple reasons for this. One being logistical. If you should conceive, you'll need to have some idea of how to handle your maternity/paternity leave and your employers will want to know that you may need to have some time off. In our line of work you'll also need to be including those people who might be able to cover pastoral care and preaching duties while you're away, but without being able to give them any firm dates. The other reason to include your whole social network is because the more people you bring into the know the more the odds increase that you'll be able to conceive. Connections are everything after all. After all this, before you can really get started you need to show the social worker around your house. Hopefully you have all your outlet covers in place, everything safely away, and all that good stuff, as well as being ready to answer any last minute questions and have all your documentation of finances available.
Then, you'll need the social worker to type up a report that says, yes, you are sane, stable, loving, competent and educated enough to care for a child should you be chosen. This doesn't meant that you will conceive and be ready for a child... but this is really close to the point where you get to wait expectantly. So... If you were wondering why we might be at all concerned as to why we might not get approved, it might not be so much that we doubted our abilities or whether or not we're likeable adorable people. It's because in the midst of everything that I described above any one piece could go sideways and topple all of the dominoes we'd been so carefully setting up. That, then, is the long answer in order to say, yes, yes we actually were nervous about the home study, but there is a whole lot more than whether or not she'd like us. We appreciate and very much need the love, prayers and supports, but please understand that even things that seem simple and obvious aren't always that way for us. It's that time of year where mothers are lifted up as the paradigm of all that is good and right and well with the world. Where gifts of jewelry, candy, breakfast in bed, and lavish luxury are touted as the end all be all of honoring and loving the woman in your life who is a mother. It's bumbling dads trying to corral a herd of unwieldy, dirty faced children wearing mismatched clothes with filthy hands into the bedroom with runny eggs, half-dead flowers, and half a glass of orange juice. What they show awaiting the mom in the kitchen is an absolute mess that for some reason will obviously be her responsibility. (This awful, irresponsible portrayal of dads will be the subject of a future post). So, even though I'm supposed to be enjoying this time that is dedicated to elevating me in all my glorious mom-hood.... (And I do mean in ALL my glory and loveliness)... Yeah... See, glorious. So even though this day is lifting the total beauty that is me... This is a very difficult time of year for me. Still. I know. I have a beautiful four year old son. I am in the process of adoption again. We are a family. I am a mom. And yet, on mother's day I still get a twinge of pain in my heart. There is a sadness that shrouds the day for me even with all of my reasons to be joyful. Somewhere in my heart I still mourn for the child that I will never be able to conceive. That child is there... in my heart. There were hundreds of futures I planned which had that child in every scene. That child was real to me. When David and I made the decision that we would no longer seek to conceive, the loss that we experienced was very real even if that child was never more than a hazy, never quite in focus dream. Because that child of my heart lived a thousand lifetimes in my mind. I saw my pregnancy, David resting his head on my belly... the birth. I saw the diaper changes, the late nights, the features that were a mix of David and me. She had his eyes... he had my nose. The poor child had the thickest hair known to mankind. He and I went on our first mommy son date. David and her went to the father daughter dance. David, his dad, and our son had an annual date to see a Steelers game together. My mom, daughter and I sat down and looked through old pictures and laughed. She came down the stairs in her prom dress, ready for this iconic night of her life. We dropped him off at college and said goodbye. I went with her to pick out her wedding dress... David sat with him the night before his wedding and shared a Guinness and the secrets of a great marriage. I watched as she was walked down the aisle by her daddy... I held my grandbaby and told him how happy I was for them... That child was real, as real as any child that has been flesh and blood. And that child had more joy, more careers, booboos, successes and failures, than any one child could have. So, yes, I still mourn the loss of what could have been even while being grateful for all the gifts that God has given us. There is an important quote that helps me at these times. "Your loss is real and your ache is not crazy." I have needed to hear this from time to time as I grieve. There are times that people really struggle to understand how we could possibly grieve someone that never came into this world. Even after explaining it. Even after sharing something that can leave my emotions raw it can still be beyond people understanding. I need to know that I am not crazy if someone else cannot understand my grief. Which means that mothers day, while still being a joyful day, can still bring with it grief, shame, and anger. Grief for what can't be. Shame because I still, at times, feel like there is something wrong with me for being unable to conceive. Anger because it can be so easy for others, because we have to go through hours of education on being parents and adoption even though we've been and done both so that we might be able to adopt.
As I get ready for mothers day I find myself in a difficult situation. I get angry when I think about the gift of God given to women who had been in similar situations. Sarah, Elizabeth, Hannah, Rebekah, Rachel and others all struggled with infertility and God remembered them and provided them with children. It feels really awkward to be mad about God giving blessings to others. I want to know why God gave them that gift and not me. Preaching and leading worship on mothers day in the past has been a mixed event for me. Before Lucas I would be aware of the lump in my throat. The tears that burned at the back of my eyes and the way I would grip the pulpit a little more tightly. Even after Lucas, I still need to stop and clear my throat and blink back some tears, because of my own grief... because of the grief that I know weighs on people in the congregation. Eventually, I recognize that God provides and oftentimes ways that don't look at all like we thought they would. My comfort, then, comes to me through an atypical Scripture passage. Isaiah 43:2- "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Wherever I go, whatever grief I experience, whatever anger I feel, I know that I am not alone. My God goes with me, my amazing husband goes with me, my friends go beside me, and even though I may stumble, I'm still standing. For all my sisters who struggle this mothers day, know you are seen, know you are loved, and know that even if you feel broken, hurting, or angry, you are beautiful! Adoption is a huge journey. There is no way I could ever cover it in one single blog post. So, as I'm able, I'll be sharing posts and reflections about the places our path has taken us. I figure I have to start in the place where our journey started. And that for us was when the diagnoses were attached to me and I became what was wrong with me. We had tried for over a year to conceive. We had already known that it could be difficult for us to conceive. Just not how difficult. We got into see a highly recommended fertility doctor in Louisville and she was great. Got us in right away. Honestly, that was one of the least fun times I've ever had. That's when I learned about my additional diagnosis of PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). If you'd like to read more about what it is I'd recommend this site: www.pcosaa.org/symptoms Those treatments were filled with mixed emotions. The top one was hope. Each cycle there were hopes and visions of what could be forming. But there was also shame. I felt like less of a woman because I had to have help with something that other women were able to do without thinking about it. There was shame because privacy becomes non-existent in this process, I mean it... super non-existent. You don't need all the details only that if you are seeking to maintain some semblance of mystery and dignity, fertility treatments are not for you. We sought IUI treatments. If you really want to know more about what that means check out this site: americanpregnancy.org/infertility/intrauterine-insemination/ Now, important to note here, infertility treatments are not covered by most insurances. Like at all. And on top of that, insurance is then like: So, we were paying out of pocket every time we went in for any part of these many... many visits to go through this. That was depressing enough. Then there were the delightful shots that I had to give myself. That was a lovely experience. Overall, it all made me the shame fall heavier on me because I felt that if I wasn't so "broken" that we wouldn't have to be going through this. And yes, "broken" is exactly the word that bounced around my brain over and over and over until it was all I could hear when we were in the doctor's office, at home, at work... it just stripped away all my self-esteem. When treatments didn't seem to be working and the most recent ultrasound showed that there were new cysts forming, the recommendation became that I should undergo surgery to remove the cysts and basically serve as an exploratory procedure. I ended up having to do this surgery twice, though, because the first surgeon looked around and literally didn't do anything. Our specialist and the next surgeon called it a "peek and freak." He didn't have any clue what to do and got out. So, the next surgeon actually did something. They used a machine called the DaVinci Robot to remove the cysts. In this procedure they also found new growths of endometriosis, more places where there were adhesion's from my surgery when I was 17, and significant damage in general. We were told that the surgeon did his absolute best to try and fix some of the adhesion's but that there was an increased risk if we were to conceive via my right ovary because of an increased chance of it being an ecotopic pregnancy. In other words, I walked away from that surgery in a lot of pain (as the doctor said "Myself and two doctors and a robot took you in an alley and beat you up) and even less hope than when we went into it. There were SO many fake smiles during this process. I really hate to say that but there really were. Some I saved for David because I felt so guilty for being the reason we had to go through all of this. (David was dedicated and loving and supportive through all of this - repeatedly affirming that he loves me and did not consider me "broken" or a problem.) Now, we didn't share the information widely that we were undergoing fertility treatments, but there were a few people that we did share with, and as well as they meant, it's not an easy thing to try and formulate a response to that is supportive and non-judgmental and non-hurtful. (Tiny target for people to hit). One of the responses that I still remember vividly that was so meaningful for me and yet absolutely heart wrenching was when one of the people I had confided in, after a particularly promising treatment, laid her hands over my womb and prayed for me, David, and what might be... As you know the treatment was not successful. And it was after that failed treatment that we made the decision to stop seeking treatment with the intention to eventually pursue adoption. We felt as though we could no longer justify the costs of infertility treatments when that money could be going towards an adoption, especially since IVF would be the next step and the concern of a difficult pregnancy if we did succeed. When that decision was made there was a lot of grief. This was it, this was what "giving up" felt like. This was saying goodbye to those photo albums in my head of what it would be like to be pregnant and give birth. This was closing the door to knowing what it would be like to feel a life growing in me, to feel the kicks, to get the ultrasound pictures. This was saying goodbye to the pregnancy that would never exist. This was grieving the child that had been carried in my mind. There were tears, there was anger, there was frustration. In my grief I struggled with my relationship with God. I felt as though I was being a poor example of faithfulness because I was giving up. I was angry because there are so many examples of women in Scripture who were infertile but conceived because they had been faithful. (i.e. Sarai/Sarah; Rachel; Hannah; Michal; Elizabeth). I screamed "have I not been faithful, Lord?" I felt betrayed by God. I felt betrayed by the body God had given me. Why was this not meant to be for me? Wouldn't I be a good mother? Wouldn't David be an amazing father? What had I done so wrong to deserve this...? It hurt. It took months of prayer and anger and sorrow to get to a healthier place. Here's the thing, though, a healthier place doesn't mean that the grief is gone. Friends, the grief is still here. One of the most overwhelming and frustrating parts of infertility is the difficulty people have understanding the grief that I had and still carry. It is almost an impossible task to explain what it is like to grieve something that never existed. I spent a lot of time, energy, tears and words trying to share with people exactly what I was feeling. How do you help people grasp the concept of mourning over something that didn't ever physically exist. This kind of grief is so painful because it is really hard to get closure on this kind of loss. It's the loss of everything the could have been. In that grief I mourned for the child that I would never have the chance to watch grow in my uterus. It was grief for losing the part of my identity that I had tied up with my ability to conceive and carry a child. The tears were for the fact that I won't have the chance to look down at a child and see David's eyes, my nose, and see what a little us would look like. It was sorrow for the photo album I had in my brain of the future and it became a future I would never have. The other part of this grief was tied up in embarrassment and feelings of being a terrible person. Whenever I would see a baby announcement on Facebook, or a friend would call with pregnancy news, or when new baby pictures were passed around, when I would baptize a baby, I would smile and in my heart, there was happiness for them, but at the same time I was angry and heartbroken. It tore the scab off of the wound that was still on my heart every time. I struggled mightily with this because I felt like an absolutely awful person for being jealous and angry because of someone else's good news. Particularly difficult for me were my friends who had been in touch with us because they knew we were working on the adoption process and wanted advice for how to begin because they'd been having difficulty conceiving, and then it seemed like weeks later they were sending me the news that they had conceived. I was beyond hurt but it is not something that is socially acceptable to express in that moment. Six and a half years ago we officially made the decision to no longer seek to conceive. Our beautiful boy Lucas came into our life four years ago. Two and a half years ago I was switched to 3 month birth control. I lost it when that change happened because it felt even more permanent and final. And it still causes an ache under my joy when loved ones share their pregnancy news. This grief is where our adoption journey truly started. By saying goodbye to what never was and what would never be. It's also where our journey continues because this grief comes on like waves. Sometimes it is low tide and it barely laps at my toes and it almost feels like letting go. Other times I feel as though I might not be able to catch a full breath because I am sinking under these waves that crash over my head repeatedly, my lungs hurt from holding my breath, and the tears stream down my face, and I just hold on as best I can until the water resides. My grief for what never was and never will be takes nothing away from my love for my son. To try and deny it would be more harmful. Therefore, I swim, I tread, I hold my breath, and I watch as the tide goes out again, knowing that there is grief but by the grace of God I have a much larger capacity for grace and love.
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AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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