Today was an exciting day in our household. The social worker that is overseeing our adoption process came for visit three of three and at the end told us that she intends to approve us to enter into the waiting parents pool. This is a huge day for us because it's the day that tells us all the hard work, interviews, questioning, etc has reached a point where we can, hypothetically, at any point receive the phone call that tells us a birth mother has chosen us to make an adoption plan with. Before she and her intern arrived today David and I were nervous. We had a lot of energy bouncing around and we were fidgeting, cleaning, finding spots and fuzz. I posted to Facebook asking for prayers for the visit. Prayers and well-wishes poured in. I am so grateful for the cloud of witnesses and saints that surround us with their love, support and prayers. Following the visit I shared that the social worker said she had no qualms about approving us. Again, congratulations and celebrations followed. In both, though, there were the supportive questions of "did you really have any doubts that it would work out?" The short answer to that question is yes, yes, we were actually nervous about the home study. There's a longer answer though. If you're satisfied with the simple yes, now's the time to click onto another page or check out this adorable video of puppies playing with toys. However, if you're interested in the longer explanation, still watch the video because, seriously, adorable, but then keep reading! Well, hi there seekers of the longer explanation! I hope you enjoyed the adorable puppies. (Seriously... if you didn't watch it... go back right now!) I'm going to walk you through what the process would be like if you were going to go through it while trying to conceive naturally. I want you to imagine that you and your partner decide that it's time that you'd like to conceive and as you start to go to the bedroom, you have to stop and answer a bunch of questions as a preliminary screening. Basically names, address, basic financials, places of employment, members of your family, who lives in your house, etc. Assuming you answer those questions well you actually make it into the bedroom. Huzzah! Nothing more to worry about, right? You wish. It actually is just starting to get awkward. As you are getting intimate with your partner someone who is a stranger to you comes in and tells you that you need to go through an orientation in order to properly proceed through the process and then decide if you would like to continue. Right. So, if you manage to keep going after the pre-application and the couple hour long orientation, you're still not ready. You are now instructed to complete the formal application, but once you have completed that, the state has a ruling that you only have 90 days from the time you submit that application to getting in all the of the required paperwork and complete the 3 home study visits, so you have to make sure that when you submit that application you feel confident you have the kind of time available to really commit to completing this first part of the process. So, not stressed yet, right? Still feeling pretty confident that you're going to make it through with no problems? If so, good for you! If not, just wait. Next, as you and your partner, once again, try to become intimate, your room starts getting more crowded. In order to complete this application and this process you have to start inviting some other people in. You need to invite your employer in because they will be contacted to make sure that is, indeed, where you work and that you make the amount of money you have said you do. You're also asked to invite at least four of your close friends who would be able to vouch for you and tell the social worker that you are as awesome as you are claiming you are and that you have a strong relationship and you should be trusted with kids. So, once your employers and friends are there, you need to make sure that you can recite the birthdays, ages, and health statuses of your families. Is your room getting crowded yet? Better make some room because you also need to have your doctors present (and the doctors of any children in the house) to verify that you are healthy enough to be partaking in such an endeavor. Tell everyone to squeeze it in because you also need to invite the vet over if you have any pets so that they can verify your pet has all it's shots and is properly cared for. Make room for the police so that they can run your background checks. It means that you have to submit them for every place you've lived. ] I hope your filing cabinet is also in your bedroom because you will need to look up how much money is in your savings and checking accounts. Also, better have on hand what your balances are in any retirement accounts, any investments, etc. Do you know how much you owe on your cars? Credit cars? Student loans? If not, better get that information, too. How much remains due on your mortgage? What is the monthly payment? By the way, have you signed over your soul yet? It is possible to accidentally sign that line if you're not paying attention, so I encourage you to be careful. Speaking of finances, I sure hope you have a nice amount set away or at least have access to some funds... or maybe know where to get some low interest loans... or, I hear the black market is always looking for a few good kidneys, because adopting is not an inexpensive prospect. Add some money onto what you think it may be costing. Maybe keep going. More than $10,000 less than $40,000 with the agency we are working with. In that filing cabinet you better also have copies of your birth certificates, drivers licenses, social security cards, and other identifying information. You REALLY have to prove that you are who you say you are. Oh! Before you're able to really get started, you need to make sure that you do the appropriate education. Usually ends up being about 20-30 hours worth of education on parenting. Don't worry, there will be a question and answer portion to make sure that you actually did the assigned work. It doesn't matter whether or not you have any other children. You obviously do not know enough, so keep studying. Oh, and if you don't manage to conceive within a year, you'll have to update most of this, including education. By the by, have you discussed what it is you'd like in a child? Boy? Girl? What age? Would you like to do this locally or travel? What races would you consider? How much are you willing to consider in terms of exposure to drugs, alcohol, or possible incest? Better figure all this out before you start. While you're thinking about what you'd like to see in a child you have to make sure that you have the plan in place for what will happen to this child that is currently only a glimmer should anything happen to you and your partner. That's right, you need to figure out a plan for your not even conceived child in case of the tragic passing of both of you. Don't stay too somber. While you're compiling all this you need to be in conversation with your social worker and go over your family backgrounds, your work histories, your relationship with your partner, your relationship with your dog, your relationship with your neighbor's cousin's mother-in-law's dog... Well, not that far, but they really do study the relationships in your life. You'll have to do some inventories too in order to determine if you have any red flags in terms of mental health, that you appropriately discipline children, and that you are aware of appropriate language to use for your child rearing. This will take two really long meetings. Hey! I forgot to mention, while you're inviting people in, I hope you invited your entire social network including your workplaces. A couple reasons for this. One being logistical. If you should conceive, you'll need to have some idea of how to handle your maternity/paternity leave and your employers will want to know that you may need to have some time off. In our line of work you'll also need to be including those people who might be able to cover pastoral care and preaching duties while you're away, but without being able to give them any firm dates. The other reason to include your whole social network is because the more people you bring into the know the more the odds increase that you'll be able to conceive. Connections are everything after all. After all this, before you can really get started you need to show the social worker around your house. Hopefully you have all your outlet covers in place, everything safely away, and all that good stuff, as well as being ready to answer any last minute questions and have all your documentation of finances available.
Then, you'll need the social worker to type up a report that says, yes, you are sane, stable, loving, competent and educated enough to care for a child should you be chosen. This doesn't meant that you will conceive and be ready for a child... but this is really close to the point where you get to wait expectantly. So... If you were wondering why we might be at all concerned as to why we might not get approved, it might not be so much that we doubted our abilities or whether or not we're likeable adorable people. It's because in the midst of everything that I described above any one piece could go sideways and topple all of the dominoes we'd been so carefully setting up. That, then, is the long answer in order to say, yes, yes we actually were nervous about the home study, but there is a whole lot more than whether or not she'd like us. We appreciate and very much need the love, prayers and supports, but please understand that even things that seem simple and obvious aren't always that way for us.
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In 9 years of serving as a pastor I have sat at countless bedsides with people who were only in for a minor procedure all the way to sitting with people as they take their last breath. Sometimes these bedsides are at hospitals, but they are also at hospices, nursing homes, and homes. No two bedsides have ever been exactly the same but the one thing that does remain the same is that this is a holy place to be. I truly believe that the bedside is one of the places where the veil between here and the place to which we will all return is the thinnest. As I mentioned, I have sat by more bedsides than I can count. But this last month I have been traveling back and forth to Cleveland to sit at the bedside of one of my dear family members. This is the first bedside in my own family I have sat beside since I entered into ministry in quite this way. The situation was very tenuous and continues to remain unknown as to how it will go. It was still a holy time, but being on that side of being at the bedside gave me some different insights. The first is just how truly and honestly exhausting it is. Now, I knew this on an intellectual level, but I didn't remember just how physically demanding just sitting can be on a person. Spending hours in sedentary activity has a way of wearing on you in a different way than other activities. That's because stress and sorrow have a very physical effect on people and mixed with the stationary atmosphere of bedsides leads to this feeling like you've run a marathon twice over without having done much in terms of physical activity. In fact, I joked with my mom at times that my brain just didn't work anymore. I recognized that I had to ask doctors and nurses to repeat themselves because I wasn't taking in all the information the first time. It's why one of the items I list as a "must' when anyone is in the hospital is a good notebook/notepad (and a pen or pencil). It lets you write down what you hear the health professionals say, it lets you write down questions that arise in your mind which I assure you that you will not remember it later, and you know, worse case scenario, you can play a riveting game of hangman in it. Honestly, though, having something to write on that keeps all the information contained in one place, where you can put dates and times of rounds, medication changes, etc, makes the whole experience feel a little more manageable. (For people like me who need to have binders or notebooks in order to feel organized, put together and "in control" having this was super important.) The second thing I remembered (as I had somehow twisted my body to fit into a small recliner in a way I could drift off for a little bit) is that self-care is critical in times like this. It can be easy to lose yourself in caring for your loved one. In the rush of trying to make sure you don't miss this doctor or this specialist or the meal time to help them eat, it is really simple to just wear yourself down to the point you get sick. It's because we desperately want to care for our loved ones and make sure they know that we love them and when someone's sick, one of the easiest ways to do that is to be contently present. Yet, if we let ourselves get so run down that we are sick and foggy, our helpfulness begins to decline at a rampant rate. Instead, it's important to remind ourselves that sleeping in our own bed for a night is not selfish but an act of self-care. It's ok to take a longer lunch to just center yourself and let yourself breathe. If you're not up at the bedside 24/7 it does not make you a bad loved one, only a realistic one who knows their limits. Your love still is present and felt even if you are taking time to step away. A care bag is critical, in my opinion, to caring for your loved one when they are in the hospital. Now, this is a care bag for you. Make sure you include in it water, a phone charger, protein based snacks (stick cheese, etc), crackers (good for upset stomachs), a book or something to occupy yourself whether it be sudoku, knitting, etc, something sweet or that you just enjoy for those mores stressful moments, a notebook, pen/pencil, something caffeinated (soda if you have that preference), a sweater or light blanket in case you get cold, and cash (singles are always good for vending machines). A neck pillow can be helpful, too. If you are looking at hours at the hospital, you don't want to be running back and forth to your car or navigating the parking structure if it's not needed. Really, the bottom line is just be gentle with yourself. Understand that in times of stress or grief you're going to have moments where your brain just doesn't work, you're going to forget things, and you're going to say that you wish you had... (insert thing here). The ministry of presence, the holiness of presence at the bedside, is powerful not because you're perfect, but because of the love that is there between those in the room. Much like God's power is made perfect in our weakness, your presence at the bedside is made perfect in the gift of self you offer. Care for yourself and you will notice you are much better equipped to care for your loved one at the bedside. Peace be yours!
Then, we were potty training Lucas. (talk about draining... wow... he really is a stubborn one) But, hallelujah, thank you Jesus, Lucas is potty trained!!! And then there was just my delightful general depression that, whenever I'd think about writing, would say: "But, you know watching mindless tv and going to sleep early sounds way better, doesn't it?" And, really, it did. Finally, though, things have leveled out and here I am! Just in time to offer my Father's Day rant. I get so frustrated with society's slowness in catching up to the fact that men can be, and are, really good, competent, loving dads. The message that men are either cold, distant dollar earners or goofy, incompetent imbeciles is disgustingly pervasive in the media today. My mom works for drug stores stocking the greeting cards. I used to help her occasionally, and so now, any time I'm in a card department I'm subconsciously checking it out for neatness and also for what the latest cards are that have been put out. Especially around Father's Day, but also in the general dad's birthday section, the theme typically is "hahaha, you try to do things that a mom does, but you're really bad at them, so we're going to make fun of you but make it seem like an act of affection." Seriously, the next time you are in a card department take a look. You get cards like "World's Best Farter." "I think Mom is raising me just fine. Happy father's day." Others that insinuate they might as well just ask mom. You'll see just a couple of images below. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. How are we not offended for dad's at this belittling of dad's abilities to care for their children? What are we doing to the confidence of men who aren't yet fathers when we tell him throughout his life that he will not be able to be a good dad, or at least that he'll never be as good as mom? What are we telling men if we belittle the time they spend alone with their children as "babysitting?" Why, then, should he even try to be a good dad if he's doomed to fail according to what we see in society? In 2012 Huggies put out an ad. Know the premise? "To prove Huggies can handle just about anything, we put them to the toughest test imaginable: dads, alone with their babies, in one house, for five days." From commercials, to comics, to cars, to tv shows and movies, dad's are portrayed as useless, incompetent, lazy, dumb, easily outwitted guys who just aren't anywhere near as good as moms. Think Fred Flintstone, Married with Children's Al Bundy, Shameless's Frank Gallagher, Mike Heck on The Middle who is a good, but distant and univolved dad, Homer Simpson, any kids show on Nickelodeon or Disney, and even on shows like Home Improvement with Tim Taylor, a generally good dad was constantly making messes that had to be cleaned up by mom. It gets really old to see the important place dad's hold in the lives of their children relegated to cheap jokes, absent forgetful fools, or just awful. The question posed by these shows is: "What do we really need dad's for except a paycheck and an outlet for our jokes." Our dad's deserve better. If we want to encourage our sons to grow up to be well-rounded, participatory, engaged fathers (should that be their desire), we have to stop portraying them this way and start showing the wide range of fathering. My husband is an amazing partner in raising our son. I absolutely adore him and I cannot express enough how much it means to me that he wants to be an active, engaged dad to our little boy. In no way whatsoever is he incompetent. He shares the responsibilities of being a parent with me, which means that sometimes when I feel crappy, he does 95% of the child-raising, and when he's not feeling great, I do 95% of the work with Lucas. David has never said no to changing a diaper cause he didn't feel like it, he never put the diaper on backwards, he never dropped little man, never fed him expired food, never forgot him, never confused him for another child. Instead, David plays with Lucas, he makes his dinner, he helps him with learning, he shares in disciplining him, he shares taking him to doctors appointments, comes to his school conferences, puts him to bed and gets him ready in the morning, does 100% of the work if I have to be out of town, and just loves his son. My husband opens my eyes to all the ways that society still doesn't acknowledge the fact that dad's are main caregivers to children. One such way is the absolute lack of changing tables in many public restrooms. That is the trend I am seeing in dads in society. They are not bumbling idiots who don't know right from left. They are confident, compassionate, engaged, and interested parents who don't expect their partner to do all the work of raising the children while they crash out on the couch with a beer. Honestly, this involved, loving father is far more interesting to me than the bad dad ever has been. If we want our boys to grow into dads who work beside their partner in raising children we need to be intentional about portraying them in media and in our homes. That means moms, we need to be ready to hand over the responsibilities and we need to be the number one cheerleaders for the dads of our children. We need to advocate for fair treatment, equal access, and recognizing the needs of our partners for engaging with their children. To all the dads out there - Happy Fathers Day and THANK YOU! Thank you for your part in raising our children. Know that we see you and all the love you show to your littles and we are so happy to have you as partners in this important work!
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AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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