**Disclaimer : David and I both love Lucas dearly. ** The other day someone said to me: "Haha, Sunday's must be pretty hectic in your household with two pastors. Who takes care of Lucas?" Actually, I should backtrack just a little. On Palm Sunday (4/14) at 3:00 p.m. after most people who attend church had heard of at least Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem (and many others the entire Passion - betrayal, trial, crucifixion, and burial - of Jesus), a secondary appearance of Satan occurred. For it was at that time that Satan entered into one Lucas of the Hively household. (See below for actual footage) From that time on it was in Lucas' heart to make everything as hard as humanly possible for Robyn and David. (Lucas 5:4) For whatever reason, Lucas seemed to lose his ever-lovin' mind - the smallest thing would set him off. There was screaming, crying, hitting, self-imposed time outs, mocking, and general chaos-creation. This continued Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday... It got to the point on Thursday morning where I had to cancel the sitter because I just could not possibly subject her to the horror that was Lucas... I eventually got him off to school in the afternoon and had my cry and went into the office. Then, Friday Ms. Ava appeared and all was right in Lucas world again... until Saturday lunch, where once more the evil reared it's ugly head and there was more yelling, screaming and general discord. Currently, he is calm, sitting in David's chair with a snack... All of which means that Sophie will probably have her hands full tomorrow morning because it is Easter, and that means our schedule is COMPLETELY different, and our boy does not appreciate change. Anyway... back to the statement and question given to me this week. "Haha, Sunday's must be pretty hectic in your house with two pastors. Who watches Lucas?" It took a team of highly trained physicists to answer this question. Well... maybe not. But it feels like it some days. So, yea, our little man is not quite ready to monitor himself during services. He and I experimented with this one Sunday during the praise service at my church. My darling son decided that during my sermon would be an excellent time to slide out of the pew, stand in front of me, and shake his booty at the congregation. I get ahold of him and hold him to me until I think he has settled down and I release him so that he can go back to the pew... little did I realize he would, instead, make a beeline for the piano just behind me and to my right. I did my best to grab him before he made it passed me, but he's a slippery little kid and I missed. So, continuing to preach as best I could, I slowly make my way over, grab my child who is playing piano and pick all 50+ lbs of him up and he proceeds to grump into my over-the-ear microphone. Eventually he was corralled back into the pew and a fellow mom in the congregation took pity on me and came and distracted him with coloring. Yeah... so.... no, he's not allowed to hang out by himself in the pew on Sunday mornings as I have no desire for any more grey hairs. Which means that, since we don't have any blood relations close-by, we have to rely on dedicated babysitters. Over almost 4 years we have developed what I consider a pretty intricate system of available sitters for little man on Sunday mornings. Because, you see, this is not prime sitting time for many teenagers. (Shock, right? 7:30 on a Sunday morning is not when most high school students want to be at church with a five year old). d Therefore, we love our Sunday morning sitters dearly and try to compensate them as generously as we can. But there are a variety of forms that Sunday morning can take. 1) Great pastors, great parents 2) Great pastors, average parents 3) Failing pastors, great parents 4) Failing pastors, exhausted parents Scenario #1: Great pastors, great parents. (Btw: if anyone can find me that shirt, I would LOVE you!) This scenario is when Sundays go in the most ideal way possible. Which, as you can guess, is about once every couple years. This is the Sunday where, Robyn, David and Lucas all wake up at the same time, just a little earlier than other days, we have some wonderful snuggles, Lucas' board for the day gets made and he's happy about it, everyone showers/eats/gets dressed in the smoothest way possible. We pack a delicious and healthy snack and angels sing softly over us as we drive to church where the sitter meets us and Lucas floats through the first service, Sunday school, and then leaves with the sitter who we bought her own car seat just for this purpose. They go and have lunch and a delightful time until we get home. You see, in this scenario, everyone is relaxed, happy, and even joyful to go to the house of worship and celebrate God. Lucas gets to participate in worship and then partake of Christian education, our sitter leaves maybe a little tired but happy and well compensated. Robyn and David get to feel like we have been the ideal models of faith and parenting, and we rest in the afternoon content in all that has happened this day. Now, as I mentioned, this does not always happen... In fact, lately, this hasn't even seemed to happen a majority of the time even with the best of intentions on everyone's part. Which leads us to scenario #2. Scenario #2: Great pastor, average parent. In this scenario, the morning doesn't go exactly as planned. Either Lucas wakes up at some ungodly hour and sings while David and I lay awake but pretend that everything is fine and we are still resting. Or maybe Lucas, in spite of all our efforts and against the norm of every other day, decides that he is not going to wake up early and we end up having to wake him up. This usually leads to a rocky start with a grumpy, petulant Lucas who will just disagree with everything. Yet, we have to get him into the car and to church because the child needs Jesus and we need forgiveness and I will have my child in church like a great pastor, that and the day's babysitter will meet you at church (or I pick them up) and they hang around the church for all the prep time, all three services, and the close down time... And Lucas may or may not take in an entire service, and probably will get to Sunday school, but let's face it, that's a long tough day for a 5 year old and a tough situation for any sitter. But, he gets Jesus, he gets some kind of Christian ed, and we come home, and I let him watch more t.v. than I normally would, because... I need to stay sane. The babysitter goes home exhausted and maybe more than a little frustrated... This is more common than scenario #1. Which brings us to scenario #3. Scenario #3: Average pastor, great parent. In this scenario, Lucas has probably had a rough night or week, month... And mommy has schedule the sitter that he loves. We survive the morning but I win, I get him into the car, and I drop him off at the sitter's house. This sitter is pretty awesome, does a lot of arts and crafts, outside play, he gets dirty, sometimes they get to church. I leave a car seat with them and if they feel up to it, they may bring him to the praise service. So, Lucas is happy because he's got a fun day free from the house, isn't stuck in one place, gets to do cool stuff... but as a pastor, it's in the back of my mind that... hey... y'know... my son maybe didn't get to church today... he didn't get any Christian ed either... Maybe when we get home, after we eat lunch, I'll have him pick out some of his Jesus-centric stories and we get him some Jesus that way. Overall we feel pretty content, I'm a good mom because he had fun and you know, got a little Jesus. The sitter is happy, we are happy, it's a good compromise. But what feels like the most common scenario, is #4. Scenario #4: Fail pastor, exhausted parent Ok... so... full out confession... there are some weeks where it is just easier to leave my son at home and have a sitter come to the house and watch Lucas the whole morning. This might be because he has had just an awful night and it's just not worth the fight to get him there... or it might be that mommy is just flat out exhausted and this is honestly the easiest path. Another favorite sitter comes to the house, they have a great time, sitter leaves happy, mommy and daddy get to chill when we get home, everyone feels content at home, but in my head I hear that little voice saying "You bad pastor... you didn't even try to get any Jesus for your son today. He's going to grow up to be a hot mess and it's going to be your fault because you just didn't try hard enough. Being tired is not an excuse." About this time, I tell the voice to be quiet because I just don't have the energy to feel guilty. But, the babysitter goes home happy and balance is maintained. But here's the other reality. I have to book these sitters a couple weeks in advance and this means that I have to take my best guess as to how Lucas will be feeling, what the right choice is, get a good mix in their, and offer up a lot of prayers. Every once in a while we will need to do last minute changes, he's having a meltdown and I just can't get him to church or he wakes up sick, and then I have to call a sitter that morning and hope and pray. Other times something might come up for the sitter and I have to find a fill-in. Remember, now, Lucas doesn't like change, so I can't really give him too much information until I'm pretty sure what the day will hold. It's pretty stressful. Add on top of this that sometimes David needs to pick him up from somewhere and I have to 1) remember to tell him 2) remember to tell him where to get Lucas. So, yeah, you could say it's a little crazy around our house come Sunday mornings. Not to mention that during church I'm always watching and listening for a streak of a little boy or a screaming Lucas and my anxiety just ramps up pretty hardcore because there's only so much I can do to help out a sitter if things go sideways while I'm in the middle of worship. Now, tomorrow is Easter. That means that I have a sunrise service that STARTS at 6:30, which means I will be up at 4:30 and out of the house at 5:30. David has an extra service in there and he will be leaving earlier than normal. There's NO way I'm going to try and get Lucas up, ready, and out the door to be at sunrise service. So, God bless our sitter, she comes here and spends the night so that she is here when he wakes up and she gets him fed, dressed, and ready and most of the time is able to get him to church for one of the services. This is not an easy task or day because Lucas doesn't understand why things are so different, he usually doesn't get his basket or eggs until way late in the day, and Easter dinner is mainly something ordered from Bob Evans. But we are together, we proclaimed the Good News, and in all things we know Gods is good.
So, no matter what the scenario, no matter our moods, our successes or our failures, I know that God is good and I give thanks for the opportunity to be a part of this crazy, beautiful, complicated life and the chance to be mom to a pretty awesome kid. May your Easter be filled with great joy, many alleluia's, and much joy.
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Didja miss me? Sorry to deprive you of my stellar wit and delightful personality for so long. But as is typical whenever someone chooses to put themselves out there, especially in such a public forum, in addition to the lovely, supportive comments I received there were also some cruel, negative comments which made me stop and consider if I wanted to continue blogging. As you're reading this post perhaps you've figured out that I have decided to continue. I really missed blogging and find a lot of joy in doing this, so hopefully you also find joy in reading it. So, the gist of the negative feedback I got was: "This stuff is too personal to be sharing as a a blog." "This is inappropriate for a pastor." "People will not feel comfortable coming to you because they know you have depression and don't want to hurt your feelings." So, I thought through all of this. Yes, I understand that for some people they might feel as though what I am sharing is too personal and is like "airing dirty laundry." Here's how I see it though, it's my laundry to choose whether or not to air it. I am choosing to share my stories because I have the hope that maybe someone, somewhere, will benefit from what I have experienced. As for whether or not it is appropriate for a pastor, I believe it is, trusted colleagues and guides have shared with me their support, and many other pastors have blogs. I feel confident it is within the realm of appropriateness. Finally, I truly hope that no one feels unable to come to me because of my depression. I am a professional in addition to being a regular person. There are many, many people who are able to do their jobs while having depression. It's important to remember that depression is different than just being sad or having hurt feelings. It is a lot about how the brain works including imbalanced chemicals in the brain, faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. It's believed that several of these forces interact to bring on depression. This often means that even though two people may have the same type of depression, the things going on inside causing it may be completely different and therefore need completely different methods of treatment. If you like science-y stuff this is a good, detailed page that describes how complex depression is: www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression Separate from my depression, though, I am fully capable of separating any hurt feelings I might have from my ability to provide pastoral care. Because here's the reality, pastors are professionals and normal humans all rolled into one. I have feelings and emotions and even illnesses just like any other person. But I also have all the requisite training for my profession to be able to work through these things and to not let my feelings impact how I choose to give pastoral care. I love my congregation, my people, and I fully understand and genuinely believe that people are completely capable of disagreeing and still caring for one another. Which all led to the title for this post: "life in the spotlight." While there are plenty of professions that place people in the spotlight, my most direct experience is through my profession as a pastor (obviously). I believe that it is amplified in a two pastor household and I hope for Lucas and eventual baby girl's sakes, that it's not quadrupled for them. So, here is a brief story about my mom's best friend's husband (did you follow that? If not, check the infographic below) My mom's best friend's husband, we called him Uncle Rev, was a Missouri Synod Lutheran pastor. He and his wife had a brood of children. (In case you're unsure of what constitutes a brood, it's more than 5 and less than a bakers dozen). And in that brood there were A LOT of boys. Uncle Rev and Auntie Laverne lived next door to his congregation with their brood that contained many boys. One evening, late at night, there is a knock on their door and it is the police wanting to let him know that there were reports of noise in the basement of the church and they wanted him to go over with them to check it out. Turns out that those noises were those boys from their brood playing basketball in the basement of the church. I know this story even though it happened before I had been born because my mom loved to tell it. But it was also very public in that it was in the police blotter since the police had to report to the church on this call. That means that it was in the congregation. Which means that Uncle Rev, Auntie Laverne, and their brood heard this story over and over, and it means that the congregation kept this story alive and offered their own perspectives and opinions on it for years. Sometimes there might be feelings of Big Brother watching... All of this is to say that pastors and their families often find themselves in the spotlight, whether or not that's where they desire to be. By the very nature of our calling our lives become open to public scrutiny and we are often held to much higher standards than other people. And because we live in a society that watches very closely and has much easier access to the lives of others, those eyes don't go away. Funny story on how much we can be in the public eye. At my first call we lived in the parsonage (the house right next to the church). It was a beautiful home in a farming community outside of the town. It was on a country road that had a speed limit of around 45 mph - 55 mph. Our home had a lovely picture window that looked out onto our spacious front lawn and this country road. Just shortly after we had moved in and were sitting in our living room watching tv with our dog, Chloe, with our picture window curtains open, a car was driving by, slowed down to about 10 mph and the person in the car stared in through our window. It wasn't anyone we knew or came to know, but when the church's house's window is open, it is an invitation to check out what the pastor and family are up to. I love this shirt. Granted, as an ELCA pastor, I believe that we are simultaneously saint and sinner, but this shirt just makes me smile every time. It's such a reminder that even though I may be a pastor I am still just an ordinary person with flaws and fears and trials. I'm not any better than anyone else. Often this calling asks pastors to put more of themselves into what they are doing - sermons, pastoral care, articles that have been written. Aggressive criticism can feel like a direct assault to our personhood. (Again, though, this is all gone over in seminary as we prepare to live into this calling and we learn to differentiate ourselves). Honestly, this can apply to most of the in the public eye positions in a congregation (musicians, Sunday school teachers, Bible study teachers, etc). A note here on the difference between criticism and critique: Criticism - finds faults, intentionally seeks what is lacking, condemns what it doesn't understand, is spoken with a cruel wit and sarcastic tongue, negative, vague/general, seeks flaws with the person as much as the product. Critique - looks for both flaws and positives, finds what is working, asks for clarification, is kind, honest, and objective, is positive (even about things that are working), is concrete and specific, addresses only the product and not the producer. Add to this being a couple that has chosen to seek adoption as the way to grow our family, even our family planning becomes public property. Conventional couples don't tend to share with their employers that they are actively trying to get pregnant. That's usually a pretty private affair. Even after conception, it's typical to not widely share the news of the pregnancy until about the end of the first trimester. For couples seeking adoption, unlike pregnancies, there's not always a way to predict the timing of the birth since sometimes the call comes in that the birth mother/birth father have chosen you and the baby is already here. So, this involves keeping the church council and the congregation updated as to where we are in the process because they may receive a call that we have a baby. In my own personal experience it feels like bringing the board of directors and entire company in on the fact that we are trying to conceive. There are more reasons why David and I choose to share that we are seeking to adopt with our church families, but that is for a different post. Really, this whole post really comes down to asking that kindness be your instinct in responding to others. Kindness does not have to mean agreement, again disagreement can still exist between people who care for one another. Kindness means thinking through your responses before offering them.
Again, you can disagree and have different points of view than another person and still care for them. (I can't emphasize this point enough.) There are enough things in this world ready to bring us down and tear us apart and try to extinguish that light within us. We differentiate ourselves by nurturing and caring for that light in one another so that it grows.
And for all of you who find yourselves in the spotlight, whether or not you desire it, please know I see you, I love you, I respect you, and I admire you. So. This is Holy Week. Probably one of the most intense weeks in the life of a pastor, not to mention in a two pastor household. This week between David and myself we will lead 10 services between Thursday through Sunday. This means that we don't see a whole lot of each other during this time. It means that Lucas doesn't get to see a lot of us during this time. Holy week means that we seek the easiest possible meals to prepare because we're just wiped out. It means that as much as I love holy week it can be difficult for me to actually worship. This means that my brain is kind of one step above mush. Therefore, this post probably won't be all that deep or meaningful. Someone asked what it is like to be a pastor mom married to another pastor. One of the ways that I can express what this is what holy week is like. It's really hard to feel like a good mom during weeks like this because of the amount of time I am away from home. By the time Sunday ends Lucas will have spent A LOT of time with babysitters. My guess is that he will be asking for me and David. Although he loves his sitters there is nothing like mommy and daddy for little man. I particularly think that Sunday is going to be tough for little man. Sunday morning I have a sunrise service at 6:30 am. (This means that I'll get to church around 5:30 am, which means waking up about 4:45.) This also leaves David on his own with Lucas. A Lucas who he will have to get up and out the door by 6:40 so that he can drop him at my church by 6:45 so that he can get to his church for their services. All of this means that by the time things are wrapped up at my church (probably around 12:45) poor Lucas will have been at church for 6 hours. (Poor Sophie, too). 6 hours at church for a 4 year old means that he will likely be less than happy after being woken up early and leaving early without our normal routine, which means a less than nice pre-schooler. This usually includes tantrums, yelling, screaming, running, etc. Which isn't always met with understanding or joy by everyone. It makes it hard for me to feel like a very good mommy when I know my son is falling into grumpy territory and there isn't a whole lot I can do to help him find his calm. So, yeah, holy week offers quite the challenge to the mommy side of my mommy/pastor identity. The mommy guilt kicks in pretty intensely. In addition to this mommy guilt about being absent from my son and putting my son through hours of church that is a little beyond his patience, we also probably will not celebrate Easter with him until Monday. I mean, we'll attempt it Sunday afternoon, but by the time we take our all family nap time, have a snack, and generally start to feel human again, having an Easter egg hunt and baskets is kind of unlikely. Therefore, we probably will do that fun on Monday. This is probably the last year we'll be able to get away with it. I'm not sure what to do at that point but we'll figure it out when that time comes.
There you have it. Pastor mommy struggles at their height in a busy, difficult season. Sorry for the short post but hope you understand where I'm at and forgive my briefness. Perhaps grace can abound while I gracefully stumble through this week. Blessed holy week to you all! When I put it to Facebook to find out what my faithful fans wanted to hear about I received some interesting responses. One was what is the difference between hair and fur (I'm looking at you Adam Crammond). That one was simple. They are indistinguishable chemically, the difference comes in language. Fur is used for non-humans. Hoorah. Tune in next time... Just kidding. There were actually quite a few ideas that I really liked, but the first one that struck me was asking about how I came to be a pastor. This is a story that pastors really get used to telling this because it becomes a typical question at interviews, on visits, just about everywhere. I figure since origin stories seem to be all the rage right now (Wonder Woman, Guardians of the Galaxy, Wolverine (Logan), Deadpool, Superman, Iron Man, etc) that I would share my very own origin story. Cue the dramatic music. Close-up on a young Robyn... My mom and dad had me baptized when I was a baby. That was the start at least, when God claimed me in the waters of baptism. But then my wandering began, much like the Israelites I made my way into the desert and tried to see what else life would bring me. My parents weren't big church-goers so it didn't come up a lot in my house. A dear friend of mine was a very devoted Christian. He regularly attended worship and was always trying to get me to go with him. Through thick and thin he was there to support and care for me. But then, he got sick. Really, really sick. At 12 years old it all got so bad that he killed himself. I was lost and devastated. There really was nothing for me to wrap my mind around, nothing to anchor my grief in. This is what started my search for an answer, for meaning, for a reason. I started exploring churches. There are so many different churches out there. A lot of different ways to seek a higher power. The first church I sought informed me that suicide is a sin and basically that my friend was in hell. So... not helpful would be the most generous way to describe that response. I struggle to this day with how anyone could tell an impressionable 12 year old something that lacked any and all grace. For a while I couldn't bring myself to even look at any other churches. I thought that I was done. It just took my heart out and I felt bereft. As I slowly recovered from that fail I began to search again. There was a small ELCA Lutheran church just up the road from my house. Faith Lutheran Church. I decided I would check it out and since churches were always open (at least in movies) I went up one Wednesday evening. It just so happened that it was during Lent which made it actually true that the church was open and having mid-week worship. I peeked in and immediately the women who saw me brought me over with them, shared where they were in the service and helped me follow along. They showed me love and compassion from the moment I walked in the door. Following service the pastor of that congregation, Pastor Schluep, sat and talked with me all about my struggles, my doubts, my loss, my grief... He was absolutely amazing and I will never forget what he told me at the very end of that conversation: "God was never as close as when your friend was in his last moments. In your friends deepest pain God was with him through to the end." Those were exactly the words that I needed to hear. I do not think I will ever be able to adequately voice my gratitude for what Pastor Schluep did for me. My mom also started to attend mid-week services at Faith Lutheran and we went through their new member class. I absolutely adored that class, I couldn't get enough of what he was sharing with the class. Since there were no other youth going through any kind of confirmation program he decided to let me join the church and become an adult member because of my participation in the class. From that point on I wanted to be involved at the church. I began playing clarinet in the Saturday evening praise service. Since there was no youth group my mom helped me start one. I dragged any of my friends I could to go with me. I was the first one to volunteer to acolyte for all three hours of the Good Friday midday service (I LOVE GOOD FRIDAY). If the doors to the church were open, I was there. This is not to say I didn't struggle with faith. I very much did, it was hard to align the values of high school with the values of faith. I did not always live up to that challenge. Pastor Schluep mentored me through this all. He invited me to consider attending the national youth gathering that was going to happen in St. Louis that summer. Since no one else from our church was going he connected me with the bigger Lutheran church nearby since they had a large group going. I am grateful for that group, especially Krystl and Sarah. They were the ones that took me in and became my friends through the gathering. ELCA National Youth Gathering, 2000, theme: "Dancing at the Crossroads", 30,000 youth from across the country gathered to worship, serve and learn about faith. It was absolutely amazing. There were service project, giant inflatables, games, concerts, and speakers. One evening the speaker was Bishop Desmond Tutu. I remember being awestruck, especially since he had just been in the hospital (was still wearing the wristband). Unfortunately, I cannot tell you exactly what he said... but as I was listening to him I felt as though everything stilled and I felt the Holy Spirit rest on me. The whisper in my ear told me to become a pastor. I couldn't believe it... It didn't seem right. After all, I didn't have all the church-y experiences that kids have - Sunday school, VBS, camp (thank goodness), and I didn't know all the details of the Bible. I didn't think there was any way at all God could be calling someone like me to be in ministry. I decided to call God's bluff and when I got home from the Gathering I went to see Pastor Schluep. I told him that I thought God was calling me to be a pastor and he said "I thought that might happen." Which just shocked me to no end, he was the one that was supposed to tell me that I was mistaken and that I should look elsewhere. He also shared with me at this time that he was going to be retiring. (By the way, how great is the show "New Girl"? I watch this show when I'm relaxing.) Anyway, I had a bit of a breakdown. Pure panic set in because I was not sure I could handle my mentor, the one who brought me into the church, no longer being there. He thought it would be a good thing for my faith formation heading on the path to ordination if I went to a church with a steady pastoral presence and so I transferred over to Messiah Lutheran (which was the church which let me attend the youth gathering with their youth). They helped me in so many ways as I continued on my faith journey. During the summer after my senior year of high school I attended a three week program called "Summer Seminary Sampler" at Trinity Lutheran Seminary which let me get an idea of ways ministry happens in the world. It was an incredible experience and I couldn't wait to attend Trinity after I finished college. My college of choice was Wittenberg University in Springfield, Ohio. I majored in English literature and minored in Sociology. Met my best friends in the world. And believed that at some point God was going to show me how wrong I was in pursuing ministry and the right way would make itself clear. Well... That didn't happen. So, towards the end of college I went to meet with my synod's candidacy committee for my entrance interview absolutely positive there was no way they were going to tell me yes. I was absolutely terrified because it scared me to death to think about what would happen if they said yes and also what would happen if they said no. I'm guessing I don't need to say that they did, in fact, give me the green light to attend seminary. That is where I met my husband, had God continue to call my bluff, and eventually led me to ordination in the ELCA. That, though, is a whole other blog post.
Here ends my origin story... or maybe it is the beginning of another story... |
AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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