Didja miss me? Sorry to deprive you of my stellar wit and delightful personality for so long. But as is typical whenever someone chooses to put themselves out there, especially in such a public forum, in addition to the lovely, supportive comments I received there were also some cruel, negative comments which made me stop and consider if I wanted to continue blogging. As you're reading this post perhaps you've figured out that I have decided to continue. I really missed blogging and find a lot of joy in doing this, so hopefully you also find joy in reading it. So, the gist of the negative feedback I got was: "This stuff is too personal to be sharing as a a blog." "This is inappropriate for a pastor." "People will not feel comfortable coming to you because they know you have depression and don't want to hurt your feelings." So, I thought through all of this. Yes, I understand that for some people they might feel as though what I am sharing is too personal and is like "airing dirty laundry." Here's how I see it though, it's my laundry to choose whether or not to air it. I am choosing to share my stories because I have the hope that maybe someone, somewhere, will benefit from what I have experienced. As for whether or not it is appropriate for a pastor, I believe it is, trusted colleagues and guides have shared with me their support, and many other pastors have blogs. I feel confident it is within the realm of appropriateness. Finally, I truly hope that no one feels unable to come to me because of my depression. I am a professional in addition to being a regular person. There are many, many people who are able to do their jobs while having depression. It's important to remember that depression is different than just being sad or having hurt feelings. It is a lot about how the brain works including imbalanced chemicals in the brain, faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. It's believed that several of these forces interact to bring on depression. This often means that even though two people may have the same type of depression, the things going on inside causing it may be completely different and therefore need completely different methods of treatment. If you like science-y stuff this is a good, detailed page that describes how complex depression is: www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression Separate from my depression, though, I am fully capable of separating any hurt feelings I might have from my ability to provide pastoral care. Because here's the reality, pastors are professionals and normal humans all rolled into one. I have feelings and emotions and even illnesses just like any other person. But I also have all the requisite training for my profession to be able to work through these things and to not let my feelings impact how I choose to give pastoral care. I love my congregation, my people, and I fully understand and genuinely believe that people are completely capable of disagreeing and still caring for one another. Which all led to the title for this post: "life in the spotlight." While there are plenty of professions that place people in the spotlight, my most direct experience is through my profession as a pastor (obviously). I believe that it is amplified in a two pastor household and I hope for Lucas and eventual baby girl's sakes, that it's not quadrupled for them. So, here is a brief story about my mom's best friend's husband (did you follow that? If not, check the infographic below) My mom's best friend's husband, we called him Uncle Rev, was a Missouri Synod Lutheran pastor. He and his wife had a brood of children. (In case you're unsure of what constitutes a brood, it's more than 5 and less than a bakers dozen). And in that brood there were A LOT of boys. Uncle Rev and Auntie Laverne lived next door to his congregation with their brood that contained many boys. One evening, late at night, there is a knock on their door and it is the police wanting to let him know that there were reports of noise in the basement of the church and they wanted him to go over with them to check it out. Turns out that those noises were those boys from their brood playing basketball in the basement of the church. I know this story even though it happened before I had been born because my mom loved to tell it. But it was also very public in that it was in the police blotter since the police had to report to the church on this call. That means that it was in the congregation. Which means that Uncle Rev, Auntie Laverne, and their brood heard this story over and over, and it means that the congregation kept this story alive and offered their own perspectives and opinions on it for years. Sometimes there might be feelings of Big Brother watching... All of this is to say that pastors and their families often find themselves in the spotlight, whether or not that's where they desire to be. By the very nature of our calling our lives become open to public scrutiny and we are often held to much higher standards than other people. And because we live in a society that watches very closely and has much easier access to the lives of others, those eyes don't go away. Funny story on how much we can be in the public eye. At my first call we lived in the parsonage (the house right next to the church). It was a beautiful home in a farming community outside of the town. It was on a country road that had a speed limit of around 45 mph - 55 mph. Our home had a lovely picture window that looked out onto our spacious front lawn and this country road. Just shortly after we had moved in and were sitting in our living room watching tv with our dog, Chloe, with our picture window curtains open, a car was driving by, slowed down to about 10 mph and the person in the car stared in through our window. It wasn't anyone we knew or came to know, but when the church's house's window is open, it is an invitation to check out what the pastor and family are up to. I love this shirt. Granted, as an ELCA pastor, I believe that we are simultaneously saint and sinner, but this shirt just makes me smile every time. It's such a reminder that even though I may be a pastor I am still just an ordinary person with flaws and fears and trials. I'm not any better than anyone else. Often this calling asks pastors to put more of themselves into what they are doing - sermons, pastoral care, articles that have been written. Aggressive criticism can feel like a direct assault to our personhood. (Again, though, this is all gone over in seminary as we prepare to live into this calling and we learn to differentiate ourselves). Honestly, this can apply to most of the in the public eye positions in a congregation (musicians, Sunday school teachers, Bible study teachers, etc). A note here on the difference between criticism and critique: Criticism - finds faults, intentionally seeks what is lacking, condemns what it doesn't understand, is spoken with a cruel wit and sarcastic tongue, negative, vague/general, seeks flaws with the person as much as the product. Critique - looks for both flaws and positives, finds what is working, asks for clarification, is kind, honest, and objective, is positive (even about things that are working), is concrete and specific, addresses only the product and not the producer. Add to this being a couple that has chosen to seek adoption as the way to grow our family, even our family planning becomes public property. Conventional couples don't tend to share with their employers that they are actively trying to get pregnant. That's usually a pretty private affair. Even after conception, it's typical to not widely share the news of the pregnancy until about the end of the first trimester. For couples seeking adoption, unlike pregnancies, there's not always a way to predict the timing of the birth since sometimes the call comes in that the birth mother/birth father have chosen you and the baby is already here. So, this involves keeping the church council and the congregation updated as to where we are in the process because they may receive a call that we have a baby. In my own personal experience it feels like bringing the board of directors and entire company in on the fact that we are trying to conceive. There are more reasons why David and I choose to share that we are seeking to adopt with our church families, but that is for a different post. Really, this whole post really comes down to asking that kindness be your instinct in responding to others. Kindness does not have to mean agreement, again disagreement can still exist between people who care for one another. Kindness means thinking through your responses before offering them.
Again, you can disagree and have different points of view than another person and still care for them. (I can't emphasize this point enough.) There are enough things in this world ready to bring us down and tear us apart and try to extinguish that light within us. We differentiate ourselves by nurturing and caring for that light in one another so that it grows.
And for all of you who find yourselves in the spotlight, whether or not you desire it, please know I see you, I love you, I respect you, and I admire you.
4 Comments
Becky Huepenbecker
4/25/2018 02:59:08 am
Thank you for returning. I enjoy your blog and there is never judgement here as I understand; it is part of me not to judge. As a former teacher of high school students who were well on their way to adulthood I ran across many struggles of young people. I too felt like I had to be a role model never weak always strong. I get it. Thank you for this as your words come at a time when I was betrayed by a person who I thought was my friend. She is not well, but nevertheless it has been a painful experience. I am struggling to be kind when I don't want to be. My prayers have not been to make her well, but to keep her away from me which is difficult because we travel in the same circle. So again, thank your for your words I find comfort in your thought process.
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Lynn Warren
4/25/2018 05:58:00 am
Have been missing your blog Robyn. You are such a caring and supportive woman. Know it is not always easy to "put yourself" out there. Thank youfor sharing Robyn the person with us.
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Beth Ann Peltier Choate
4/25/2018 07:01:59 am
Robyn, keep doing what you are comfortable doing.......there will always be naysayers and people who are judgmental. So many people fail to realize that Pastors are "real people with the same issues" as members of their congregations. You are kind, you are generous and you are loved by many.......keep the faith, HE is guiding you to do what is best.
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Dede Ward
4/25/2018 07:27:36 am
I also am glad you're "back." I enjoy your blog and love hearing your experiences, and I agree with all you post. And even if I didn't, I would care about you because, like you, I believe being a Christian is agreeing to disagree and treating others with kindness. Thank you for sharing.
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AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
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