Happy New Year! Welcome to the 20's! I'm actually pretty psyched for a return of some of the better parts of the roarin' 20s. (I love the Great Gatsby). My social media has been blowing up yesterday and today with posts about "new year, new me" and recaps of how great or mostly great the last year has been for them. I did a list of resolutions that I'd like to try to keep... 1) Find something that I can intentionally spend time doing with Lucas 2) Start cardio drumming again at least 3 times a week (first one tomorrow evening at 7) 3) Set and keep intentional prayer times each day at least twice a day 4) Study Spanish at least once a week [have to start somewhere] (first one-on-one lesson next Thursday) 5) Make intentional time to be with David. 6) Learn more about autism, become more of an advocate 7) Spend more time with my mom 8) Be more of an advocate for us in terms of sharing our adoption profile 9) Be reckleslessly and joyfully kind even in the face of adversity 10) regularly attend Lions Club meetings I know my resolutions are earth shattering or innovative. But, I like them, they are goals that matter to me. Where I really find myself struggling is the whole idea of "the year in review." Facebook keeps trying to give me a photo year in review, but since it uses profile pictures and I use old pictures as profile pics, it's a bit ridiculous. You see, 2019 was a tough year for me. It was the first full year without my dad. I still found myself going to call him on the holidays, or send him a message, or ask my mom about how he's doing. It's been interesting as I know the way grief works and that it's not the same for everyone and all that, but being in the midst of the grief has me critiquing the way in which I am grieving. So, that's a thing. Baby girl did not find her way to us this year which has been incredibly difficult. I really thought this was going to be the year that our little family became complete. Missing someone who isn't here yet, I've found, is almost as difficult as missing someone who'd not here anymore. Waiting for baby girl has been a test. It's a hard thing to grieve out loud because people want to be loving and helpful. "It'll be in God's time." "She's on her way." "It's just not the right time." are common phrases I've heard. And I know that they are all true. I get that this is going to be in God's time and that God's time is not my time, but I want to be angry about that... I want to be sad about that. Scripture is filled with people who were not patient waiters and God still worked in their lives. The Israelites grumbled the whole 40 years in the wilderness. Sarai mourned and gave up on the ability to have children to the point she laughed when it was prophesied. If God can handle their doubts and sorrow, surely God can handle my grief. I regularly come up with reasons why she isn't here, my personal favorite being that with Lucas's diagnosis of Autism and his difficulties with transitioning into Kindergarten, it would have been a difficult time to bring a new little one into the picture. Waiting for God to bring our new co-pastor to St. Luke's was another way I explained it to myself. It will make the way straighter if I had a co-pastor to step in during maternity leave. Yet, no matter how many really great statements I offer myself or am offered, it doesn't change the fact that my heart grieves and longs for the little one who isn't here yet. It's like being so close to finishing a puzzle but there is one piece that is missing and no matter what I do, I can't finish it, I have to wait for someone else to bring the piece to me. If you want to help us out and spread the word about our desire to adopt, share this link that goes to our adoption site. davidandrobyn-adopt.com If you're anything like me, you might be thinking "Ok Robyn, just shake yourself out of it." But, David has been working with me to be a little more gentle with myself. So, I looked back at my year again and what I saw was that there were more things - both big and little - that contributed to this feeling of crawling across the calendar into a new year. As I mentioned above, our (almost) 6 year old Lucas was diagnosed with autism. That has been a hard and exhausting journey. I am not unfamiliar with autism. I had a pretty good sense of it. But it was like something out of an alternate reality when I was living with that new understanding of my son day in and day out. In case you're interested, there are many ways to berate, belittle, and blame yourself when your child gets this diagnosis. All of which are ridiculous. Also, it's even to feel like the world is ending. And, well, it kind of is. The world that I knew as a mom, as a working mom, has changed drastically in the last year. I've always been a schedule oriented person but with Lucas it has had to go to a whole new level. There are so... so.... so many doctors appointments. There was his struggle to adapt to Kindergarten - multiple times having to go and pick him up because it was just not working. I got to know the ISD staff really well. And I am super grateful for them. They have been incredible people and if you have a child with special needs. do not hesitate to get to know your ISD staff because they understand navigating the twists and turns and can be some of your biggest supports and champions. On top of the doctors and the calls to pick him up there were the multiple IEP meetings to figure out how to help him. My calendar ended up looking like a blob of color on my screen because David is in blue, I'm in pink, office is in purple, Lucas is in teal, babysitters are in green, and cursory stuff that I need to keep in mind are in yellow... I just wanted to cry at times. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I yelled and railed against the unfairness. I wrote and erased more emails than I have in the last 10 years. You may have noticed that part of my resolutions for the new year involve autism. I still have a lot to learn and I want to become and advocate, not just for us and for Lucas, but eventually for other parents/guardians who are trying to navigate the unpredictable waters of autism. Then, there were the little things that on their own aren't all that much, but cumulatively can be crushing. The phone calls to friends I meant to make and didn't. The visits I wanted to undertake and didn't. Little odd jobs around the house that I told myself could wait til the next time I had time. Missed bedtimes, words spoken in anger, disconnection between myself and loved ones... This world is not helping either. There are so many things... but I won't go there. This is not the post for that. Suffice it to say, there was a person I wanted to be at 12:01 am on January 1, 2019 and at 11:59 pm on December 31, 2019 I fully realized how much I'm not that person. (Ok, you got me, it was technically more like 10:18 pm when I told myself I was still a rock star and went to bed). Which is why the year in review thing is a struggle for me. Because I could easily recount the joys of the year. The weddings I presided over. The people I was able to interact with and help. The youth I was able to spend time with. Time with my son and my husband that I wouldn't trade for anything. All of that is there. But... my remembrances of those times always seem tinted by my realization of not being who I wanted to be at that time. Wanting to be healthier (but too lazy); wanting to have more time with loved ones (but deciding I'm too busy), wanting to be kinder, smarter, wiser, happier... That little voice in my head that likes to point out all the places I didn't quite make it. And it just feels like I start every new year with this little pile of stuff that whirls in with all the unmet expectations, the unrealized hopes, the scars and sorrows that are still there... and I always seem to feel like I'm entering each year a little more tired, a little slower, a little more weighed down by what I am carrying... So, instead of roaring into the 20's, I feel like I'm dragging myself in with a squeak. With all of this clattering around my head last night and this morning, I made a decision. "Happy New Year" is not going to be a simple pleasantry for me. "Welcome to 2020" won't be a simple greeting. I am going to come into this year with "Cheers to a new year" on my lips like a battle cry. I'm going to bring with me the things that need to come, I'm going to leave behind the things that will always be what they have been, and I'm going to be recklessly kind.
I am going to endeavor to be extravagantly kind to people I disagree with, with people I don't know, with people I know too well, and I'm going to be recklessly kind with myself. I am going to push myself to strive for my goals but I'm also going to forgive myself when I mess up. I am going to be unapologetic in my grief, both for my dad and for the baby girl I have yet to meet. The desire to embrace and live into the grief instead of trying to avoid it or deny it will be stronger this year. I want to be able to demonstrate healthy grief in a world that still struggles to understand or welcome it. 2020 isn't magically going to be the most amazing year. I understand that. There are going to be struggles and sorrows and pains and frustrations. But, I want it to be a year that when I reach December 31 I look back and realize that I did my best, that I approached difficult situations with kindness and peace, and that I forgave more than I held grudges. If I can look back on this year and say it's defining word is "grace" I will be happy. So, to all my friends out there who are entering this new year carrying a lot of the pains and sorrows and stresses of 2019, be gentle with yourself. And maybe join me in my battle cry: "Cheers to a new year!"
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Sometimes... I get grumpy... I'll give you a moment to let the shock of that settle in. Good now? Awesome. Well, it's true. Sometimes, I get grumpy and I get impatient. Patience is one of the virtues that I sorely lack. My impatience is made worse by the adoption process. As in a previous grumpy post (https://gracefullystumbling.weebly.com/blog/what-is-the-cost-of-adoption) about the process I shared about how we have been waiting for a year and so we had to go through the home study update. The above is not an accurate depiction of my feelings about this home study update process. But, we got through it with just a few more things to check off. We also got to ask some questions of our case worker. One of which was the ever hopeful: "Do you have a sense of where we are on the "wait list" when it comes to safe deliveries?" Well, when she was at our house she didn't, but said she'd let us know by the end of the next week. After two follow-up emails and 2 weeks later, we received an answer today. It's not the most helpful response: "It's difficult to say exactly where you are in regards to a safe delivery b/c everyone is open to different situations...some just a boy, or girl, or both, open to any race or not, open to different degrees of substance use, etc. In saying that, you're approximately the 7th family. " It was a bit of a punch in the gut. I know how many different factors contribute to the process and it's near impossible to have a sense of a "waiting list." But, it seems that for as long as we have been waiting and as many safe delivery placements as they have reported doing, it really seems like we should be a little farther up that list. And I'm sure every other family in the queue feels that way, but darn it, this is my blog, and so I'm going to be grumpy about it and pretend that I am justified in my grumpiness. Honestly, this was just a way to vent and let off some steam while also letting you know that you can now purchase a shirt and help us off-set the cost of the adoption! Our dear friend Abby is making them to order. See the awesome picture below: So, thank you for continuing to read my blog.
Thank you for your continued kindness, love and prayers. And thank you for being the amazing and unique person you are, and if no one has told you lately, you are important! **Warning - I do not intend this post to get political, but there are some aspects of the adoption process that can't help but be political. If you don't want to read one more thing that has anything to do with politics, you should stop reading now. If you choose to keep reading here is my disclaimer: I will not debate this on Facebook/social media. If you want to have a conversation there are other ways to have it. These are simply my thoughts and reflections as an adoptive mother.** Ok, so if you're still with me: Over the last few weeks there has been a lot in the news and in conversations about abortion. One of the most common statements that I've been seeing has been: "Make adoption cheaper and then abortion won't be as easy a choice." As an adoptive parent, this statement gets me riled up because it is a false dichotomy. The costs associated with each are entirely different for different purposes. And, even though it is a source of frustration for my family, I don't know that the cost of adoption should be lower as much as we need to address the systems that are at play that make the costs so high. There is also a need for logical ways to help off-set the costs of adoption in much the same way pregnancy and birth can be off-set with insurance. Something I see coming from people who do not believe there should be any assistance to adoptive families is: "Well, we had to pay for costs associated with a pregnancy, you need to pay for the costs associated with your adoption." There is a difference. If you have insurance, there is already a net in place. There is an out-of-pocket deductible and limit. With adoption, there is no limit. (Can we just talk about the amazing-ness of the movie Mean Girls for a moment?) So, yeah, with a non-existent limit on adoption costs, it has the potential to get a little out of hand. Also, many doctors and hospitals are willing to set up payment plans. Not so much with adoption. When the money is due, it's due in full, not in any sort of payment plan. The way to get a payment plan is to take out a loan. That all being said, let's talk about the adoption process, the costs, and why they are necessary. The first step and cost in an adoption process is a consultation fee. This, for us, was a meeting at the agency with a social work to go through the specific agency's process, what the expectations were, and the ceremonial handing over of the fee schedule.... well, not so much ceremonial as slid over a table with a practiced, apologetic smile because you know the numbers there are going to hurt. In order to have this consultation we had to pay $100. Once we're through the consultation we have to sign up for the orientation. These are typically held once a month in the evening for about 2 hours at one of the locations of the agency. For us that is about an hour drive. It's a powerpoint slide show describing the process again, going more in depth, talking about why adoption is awesome, what a timeline looks like, and why the different costs are necessary. You get a big binder to take home. Woo binder! (That's one of the few exciting things for me, cause, you know, I love me some binders...) Leslie Knope is my hero. I relate to her on a deep level... Anyway, back to binders and orientations. For the opportunity to undergo this orientation, most of which we knew because we've done this before, we were allowed to pay $150. So far, costs have been related to the employee's time and the materials handed out. If you have made it through the orientation and the consultation, you then get the opportunity to fill out the online application that asks a TON of information about you, your family, your family's dog, your family's dog's family of origin, your preferences for ice cream, and if you sleep on your back, side or stomach... Well... not those things, but it is quite detailed. And here's the even more awesome thing about it.... all of this information that is entered here, is going to have to be re-entered, by you, in countless other forms and ways, so essentially this becomes a practice in futility. Wee. But aren't you glad you now know your mom's cousin's best friend's bat mitzah date? Oh, right, and applying isn't free. This was $400 for us to apply. Cause, someone has to read all that information you put out there... right? Take a deep breath because this is the "official" start of the process. Now, don't be ridiculous, the other stuff we just did is all preliminary. Now, remember all that work you put into the application? You get to do all that again but even MORE in-depth! Hope you saved that original form and didn't submit your only copy... She says from experience... Now, here's another frustration... laws regarding adoption vary from state to state. It's one of the reasons there exists what is called the "ICPC" or "the interstate compact on placement of children." Basically, the government of one state has to say it is ok to bring a child that was born in another state into that state until the hearing procedures are finalized. Oh, and yeah, there's a cost to this as well, if you were wondering. I don't remember the exact amount, but it's what kept us in Illinois a little longer when we were adopting Lucas. Anyways. Laws vary state by state. The fun law we learned for Michigan is that they place a "deadline" by which anyone who starts on the process of getting a homestudy must have a completed one by a certain date. If, for whatever reason, the study is not complete by that date, it actually puts a blackmark against the agency and you have to start all over again. Therefore, the agency we are working with has a specific rule in place that if it is becoming clear that you're not going to make it by that deadline that you actually have to withdraw your application so that it does not go against them. Best guess as to why this law exists: to keep agencies or entities from leading adoptive parents along without moving with due speed to process the home study. But, who knows, it could just be some random rule on the books because Jeffrey's hamster stopped on that square on the bingo board. And you thought I was being facetious about hamster bingo. So, the home study process. This is a process that must be undergone at the beginning of an adoption journey, must be updated annually, and if you move a whole new one needs to happen. What does this include? 1) Adoptive family worksheet - literally basic background on each parent - names, aliases, addresses, family members, education history 2) SAFE Questionnaire. This is hard to explain. It's basically as multiple choice sheet about your family of origin. Who raised you? How do you feel they did? What were their values? What were their personalities and discipline styles? How do you compare with them? What describes your early dating style? What describes your early sexual experiences? What's your relationship with your spouse like? How do you disagree? It's way more than that, too. You can check it out at this website: https://achservices.org/am-site/media/couple-applicant-safe-questionnaire.pdf 3) Medical forms. Time to schedule those physicals with the doctors and pay out any co-pays that come with them. And some doctors will even generously charge you a fee just for completing your paperwork. Guess what? If you have a pet, they need paperwork too. Rabies certificate and vet certification. There you go Chloe. 4) Personal references. Now, it's time to pick four people who you think will say the right things about you and your ability to be a parent when they are being grilled by a short electronic survey sent to them. Even though it is electronic you still need to provide physical addresses and phone numbers. 5) Those references weren't enough. Now you have to make sure you have two work references for each person. This is for income verification. You have to make enough money in order to adopt, doncha know? You can get pregnant whenever you want with whatever income, but don't you dare drop below whatever the unspoken threshold is for adopting and bringing in an income. Thought you might need a little break. Ready? Let's keep on keepin' on. 6) Have you thought about designated guardians for your not yet present child to go to in case of your unlikely demise? No...? Well, guess what, you shall not pass until you name someone to take your bundle of joy when you kick it. (This was a fun conversation: "Hey, so... we don't have a kid yet, we don't know when we might get one, but if and when we do, if we die, will you raise it?") 7) Joy, rapture, it's time for the financial part. Gather up those bank statements, investment statements, mortgage statements, and W2s. Have them ready for when your caseworker comes to visit. 8) While we're on financials, here's a worksheet that will take most of the information from the documents you've already gathered and put them into one neat and tidy packet, but they still want you to keep the rest of it out so they can look at it. This will also ask you for your budget, any outstanding loans you have, student loans, credit cards, etc. 9) Are you ready for the required reading and education part? There's a lot of required reading... even if you've already adopted. Basic materials about being a parent, about being an adoptive parent, about the impact of drug use on infants during the pregnancy, etc. This includes lessons on the right language to use for adoption. This one I actually like a lot because so many people don't think about what they're saying when they ask about things with adoption and it can actually be really hurtful. Then, be ready to prepare a couple sentence summaries of the studying you've done. I am still not convinced that anyone read these summaries... (You also do not get to choose the topics for the continuing education which is frustrating in it's own way). Hey! You're still here! Rock on! 10) Right... I almost forgot, before you do any of this you are supposed to start your background check process because these things take forever. At the price of $62.50 a person you head to one of the designated fingerprinting locations as well as completing the paperwork for this. If you thought you needed some obscure information before, just wait. You have to travel back 5 years in terms of background checks and for some agencies they want to run them in whatever state you were born in just in case. If you want a background check in Pennsylvania and you went to college and you had roommates, you need to make sure that you know their middle names. That's right, David had to find out what his college roommates middle names were in order to complete his background check. 11) Now, you need to fill out the openness in adoption paperwork. How open are you willing to have the relationship between you and the birth parents? Open, semi-open, closed? These are all various ways a relationship might form and then within each of these are subsets of what this can entail. 12) Now comes the big moment... the interview. For this agency we had to do 2 interviews at their location and they came to us once. Because we live 55 miles from the agency, we therefore do not fall into the "50 miles or less" realm and it costs extra for the case manager to come to our house. Basically these interviews cover everything you've submitted but in verbal form. We did one each individually, then a joint one, and then jointly here at our house with Lucas. She came and looked around our house, talked to us, talked to Lucas, petted Chloe, and left. 13) Here is a first really big cost. $1,950 for the home study. At this point it was only a $10 extended travel fee, so $1,960 for the home study. This is to "process all of the information." 14) Is your profile active now? Nope. Next is the networking bundle fee. This is where the agency connects you with a profile building company and you give them pictures, writings about your family, letters to the birthparents, etc, and they make it into a pretty website and a book that the agency will show to anyone that matches with you so they can look through the soundbytes of your life and make a decision on if you are the right one to choose... This, dear friends, is $2,500. Congratulations! Your profile is active! You are in the running to be picked. But there is no way to guess how long that's going to take. So, in the mean time, you'll need to pay $250 a quarter to stay as an "active" profile with the agency. You'll also have to complete monthly continuing education readings and summaries. After a year, if you have not been chosen, you have to have a homestudy update. This is redoing the background checks, filling out all the same paperwork, and providing all your references and financial information along with the medical information. That's another $62.50 each for the background checks, the doctors co-pays, and the time cost. Oh, and they have to come to your house again to make sure everything looks the same. This update costs $675. Oh, but since we're 5 miles outside the 50 mile radius, we owe $100 extra in travel fees. So, $750 plus background checks plus doctors co-pays... That's the update cost. And that's what we're in the process of completing at this time. To date, we have paid $5,750 to the agency. That does not include the outside costs I've mentioned and it doesn't include the amount we paid to a different agency before this one that didn't work out. Oh, yeah, if you want to be listed with more than one agency, there's a big cost to that as well. Are we close to done? Not even maybe. A match is made, the birthparents have chosen you! Now what? For us, this is where the loan acquistion will happen. It's a $5,000 escrow to start covering the $195 / hour + mileage + expenses for the social worker to do what they do - meeting with the birthparents, meeting with you, going where they need, getting paperwork ready... This gets used, often times, to help the birthparents. I'll talk about that a little later... It's $10,000 due when we sign the adoptive petitions. But, you're still not done yet. Once you have the baby in your arms in your home, there is the waiting period where birthparents have a chance to change their minds. There is the waiting period for the court date to make everything legal. (This is a particularly nerve-wracking time and the generic advice is to not make it too public or get too attached to your little one because this is still a time of uncertainty.) And there is the court date where you go before the judge. There are all the legal fees that aren't even detailed out in pre-adoption paperwork. Uh-uh-uh - you didn't think you were done yet? After all of that, there are post-placement visits, where they come out to make sure everything is on the up and up. $300 - $350 per visit, plus $100 extended travel fees (each time). There are usually 3-6 post-placement visits. And there it is, the costs of adoption (*through the agency we are using) Now, let's remember what sparked my whole rant here.... The dichotomy being set up between adoption and abortion. Specifically for me it's the following post that's been floating around: While so many of the fees with adoption may seem arbitrary or self-serving for the agencies, there's more to the story than that.
Most of these agencies use a lot of the funding they bring in to help the birth mothers and birth fathers. This money goes toward counseling for them so that they can gain a full picture of what their options are before making a decision. The funds go toward helping with medical costs. Some of these women are going to be on medicaid, but how much does medicaid cover? There are a lot of optional medical tests and appointments that aren't required but go a long way toward ensuring the health of the birthmother and the child. It goes toward helping purchase maternity clothing, which is not cheap but needed. It helps with bills and food costs. This is because at a certain point in the pregnancy, the jobs that the birthmothers may hold are not pregnancy friendly and she will take leave. This may or may not mean that she loses her source of income. It's also to help with post-birth costs, again, so that the birth mother can have some breathing space before needing to go right back to work. This money is used to help with addiction education and recovery. It helps with diapers or needed items for the little ones in their households. This is where I think our system needs some serious attention. If a woman chooses to carry a pregnancy, she is looking at a lot of ways she may be further penalized in the process - whether it's job insecurity or loss of wages or such. The medical system is broken to the point where it's pick and choose on what you'll do because the wrong choice could put you so far in debt that you'll never make your way out again. Overall society has this tendency to look down on women who get pregnant when they don't intend. They want her to carry the child to term whether or not that is viable. Mental health plays a major role in a healthy pregnancy and for some that option is just not present. The job situations and what kind of family leave that is available play a role. All of these impact abilities to make a birth adoption plan for a child. The costs that are associated with adoption often will strive to help make up the gap between what society offers and what is realistically needed to help women who want to make a birth placement plan for their child. Which is why I don't necessarily believe the answer is simply "lower the cost of adoption." Put programs in place that help off-set some of these costs. Fix some of the brokenness in the system so that the agencies are not having to be the middle man in providing what is missing. Make mental health care accessible and affordable. Make birth control accessible and affordable. Make health care affordable and accessible. Put in place grants for adoption that are not all religious based. So many of them require adherence to a very strict faith statement, many of which would mean saying that my calling as a pastor would be invalid... If we want adoption to be the viable choice don't narrow down the help available. Don't only promote agencies that require faith statements or specific make-ups of the family. Awareness needs to be raised in society. People need to understand the mechanics of adoption and foster care. What does it actually mean? And there needs to be funding in place to help birth parents and adoptive parents be able to afford and raise children with special needs. This is becoming so prevalent because there are children being born with special needs that do not get adopted and end up in the system and then they age out of the system and end up on their own with little to no help. This is even true of children who are not special needs. Older children who end up in the foster care system do not usually have a high rate of adoption. Currently there are approximately 443,000 children in the foster care system in the United States. More than 23,000 children age out of the system every year. These are children who may not have a stable home, who may not have had an upbringing preparing them for adulthood, and they are ending up out on their own trying to figure things out. 20% of these children aging out become instantly homeless. 7 of 10 girls who age out of the foster care system will be pregnant before the age of 21. I think a lot of people are still functioning under the belief that this process is still like little orphan Annie or Despicable Me where someone walks into an orphanage, sizes up all the children, and picks the one they like the best. The process has changed and if society wants it to be the choice that people make they need to change what is hindering that option in society. Let's change the system. Let's break the unhealthy cycles that exist. Let's care enough to learn about adoption, foster care, aging out, special needs, and more, and figure out how to address these issues before we start saying that we need to lower the cost of adoption. I will gladly pay the cost of adoption if it helps women and birthparents who are struggling in the face of trauma, brokenness, and fear. Til I take my last breath I will say that all people are created in the image of God and all people deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and care. Not because they have done something to deserve it but because they are people and that is enough. Today I woke up with an incredibly sore back. I pretty much expected it (I went to bed with a cramped back after Lucas sat on my back. Yet, I woke up and I somehow knew that I had become a Disney villain. All I wanted to do was walk around like the old crone in Snow White. The thing is my day ahead had leading three worship services and attending a meeting. And as good as it felt to walk hunched over cackling evilly it probably wouldn't have made for the most meaningful worship experience for my congregation members. Anyway, it wasn't just the sore back. After all, isn't that just part of getting older, waking up just to see what new body part hurts and which has fallen off? This was a conglomeration of things. It was the sore back. It was waking up angry and not being sure why. It was wanting to shake my fist and curse the princess for escaping my sinister plan. It was the strange desire to give a poisoned apple to the annoying girl who can't stop singing with the woodland creatures and who actually ENJOYS cleaning the house. ![]() I earnestly don't know exactly when it happened. We all start out the hero of the story, right? We twirl through our lives with a song in our step and all the coolest outfits... Or, as it seemed in my case, the friend of the main character who was slightly overweight and more of an alto. (I.E. Lady Kluck from the animated Robin Hood. Who knew she had a nakme, right?) I mean, life was good friends. I felt like there were rainbows, and unicorns, and general joy. Crabs sang jazzy Jamaican songs about how great life under the ocean can be for a girl like me. But then, life happens, as it always does, right? Friends come and go. You hit puberty, your voice changes, and suddenly you're an adult even though you feel like you still shouldn't be allowed to make these kind of decisions without some supervision. Yet, the hands on the clock keep turning. You get a dog, you get married, you buy a house, have kids... And one day, when you're watching the latest Disney movie with your little and all of a sudden you find yourself sympathizing with the parents (usually before they are killed off so the princess can have a tragic backstory.) I mean... Ariel, sweetheart, you are 16 years old and you have known the guy for a hot second, you in no way, shape or form love him. I'll believe you think he's a hottie, but love, please. It really made me excited when Disney let Elsa proclaim a very logical statement. Anyway, I'm a little off topic. This is how I became a Disney villain. At some point from getting back from vacation and today (that's a whole 5 days people), I went from chill and relaxed to grumbling and holding my back while shaking my fist at the kids on my lawn. I think some of it was just the post-vacation not wanting to give up the relaxation lifestyle. After all, vacation Robyn can get pretty wild and crazy. One night I even stayed awake til 11! Some of it was that I was grieving alongside a friend who had experienced a deep loss. Some was that my little boy was growing up in front of my eyes and I desperately wanted time to slow down. My heart was also extremely heavy when I learned the news of Rachel Held Evans passing. She was an incredibly gifted Christian author and speaker. At the age of 37 she completed her baptismal journey leaving behind her husband and young children. She wrote A Year of Biblical Womanhood and Searching for Sunday, you really should read them. This all shifted my way of looking at the world for a little bit. It was all disorienting and frustrating and it just made me.... tired. Then I remembered a quote I had heard somewhere in my life: "You either get bitter or your get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you." (Josh Shipp) That stuck with me. You get bitter or you get better. I realized as I was Evil Queen-ing around that I finally understood something about the Disney villains. They weren't born evil. They didn't come out of the womb with perfected cackles and perfectly groomed mustaches to twirl. These people started off their lives like you and I. And all I can think is that at some point in their lives they reached a moment that gave them this exact choice, they could get better or they could get bitter. Maybe they didn't have someone in their life to help them recenter their focus off the pain in their lives and onto the joy. Perhaps they just had one too many traumas and they just couldn't find the "better." Whatever it was, these villains got bitter and the old adage is "misery loves company." When they couldn't bring themselves up out of their bitterness, they strove to draw others down into their bitterness. Ursula couldn't cope with the perceived slight of ages ago from Triton. Gaston was angry when Belle rejected him. Scar did not want to accept the rule of his brother. The Evil Queen needed to be the most beautiful in all the realm. At any time these villains had a choice to let go of that which was drawing them down. They needed to let go of their anger, their belief that they had the right to revenge. Instead of seeking reconciliation they furthered the divide and sunk down into bitterness.
How do we get better? We forgive those that have wronged us. Forgiving is not easy. It means we let go of our right to seek retribution and instead choose relationship over being right. How do we get better? We seek the support and friendship of our tribe that offers support, love, and honesty. We remove the toxic elements from our lives, the people who want us to get bitter with them, the situations that sap our joy, and the stuff that convinces us that we need it more than we need to be well. How do we get better? We step back from those things that are causing us sorrow. That was what I needed to do, I needed to stop reading the posts about the loss of Rachel Held Evans, I needed to stop scrolling the news stories about traumas happening around the world... I needed to unplug myself for a bit in order to get better. So, yes, I woke up as a Disney villain, ready to hobble out and call down a curse upon an infant child because I wasn't invited to her Christening party but saw everyone else had received an invite. Thankfully, I have people in my life who help me move towards getting better and not bitter. I'm grateful for my faith that reminds me that even in the midst of death there is hope that promises a life beyond the grave. **Disclaimer : David and I both love Lucas dearly. ** The other day someone said to me: "Haha, Sunday's must be pretty hectic in your household with two pastors. Who takes care of Lucas?" Actually, I should backtrack just a little. On Palm Sunday (4/14) at 3:00 p.m. after most people who attend church had heard of at least Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem (and many others the entire Passion - betrayal, trial, crucifixion, and burial - of Jesus), a secondary appearance of Satan occurred. For it was at that time that Satan entered into one Lucas of the Hively household. (See below for actual footage) From that time on it was in Lucas' heart to make everything as hard as humanly possible for Robyn and David. (Lucas 5:4) For whatever reason, Lucas seemed to lose his ever-lovin' mind - the smallest thing would set him off. There was screaming, crying, hitting, self-imposed time outs, mocking, and general chaos-creation. This continued Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday... It got to the point on Thursday morning where I had to cancel the sitter because I just could not possibly subject her to the horror that was Lucas... I eventually got him off to school in the afternoon and had my cry and went into the office. Then, Friday Ms. Ava appeared and all was right in Lucas world again... until Saturday lunch, where once more the evil reared it's ugly head and there was more yelling, screaming and general discord. Currently, he is calm, sitting in David's chair with a snack... All of which means that Sophie will probably have her hands full tomorrow morning because it is Easter, and that means our schedule is COMPLETELY different, and our boy does not appreciate change. Anyway... back to the statement and question given to me this week. "Haha, Sunday's must be pretty hectic in your house with two pastors. Who watches Lucas?" It took a team of highly trained physicists to answer this question. Well... maybe not. But it feels like it some days. So, yea, our little man is not quite ready to monitor himself during services. He and I experimented with this one Sunday during the praise service at my church. My darling son decided that during my sermon would be an excellent time to slide out of the pew, stand in front of me, and shake his booty at the congregation. I get ahold of him and hold him to me until I think he has settled down and I release him so that he can go back to the pew... little did I realize he would, instead, make a beeline for the piano just behind me and to my right. I did my best to grab him before he made it passed me, but he's a slippery little kid and I missed. So, continuing to preach as best I could, I slowly make my way over, grab my child who is playing piano and pick all 50+ lbs of him up and he proceeds to grump into my over-the-ear microphone. Eventually he was corralled back into the pew and a fellow mom in the congregation took pity on me and came and distracted him with coloring. Yeah... so.... no, he's not allowed to hang out by himself in the pew on Sunday mornings as I have no desire for any more grey hairs. Which means that, since we don't have any blood relations close-by, we have to rely on dedicated babysitters. Over almost 4 years we have developed what I consider a pretty intricate system of available sitters for little man on Sunday mornings. Because, you see, this is not prime sitting time for many teenagers. (Shock, right? 7:30 on a Sunday morning is not when most high school students want to be at church with a five year old). d Therefore, we love our Sunday morning sitters dearly and try to compensate them as generously as we can. But there are a variety of forms that Sunday morning can take. 1) Great pastors, great parents 2) Great pastors, average parents 3) Failing pastors, great parents 4) Failing pastors, exhausted parents Scenario #1: Great pastors, great parents. (Btw: if anyone can find me that shirt, I would LOVE you!) This scenario is when Sundays go in the most ideal way possible. Which, as you can guess, is about once every couple years. This is the Sunday where, Robyn, David and Lucas all wake up at the same time, just a little earlier than other days, we have some wonderful snuggles, Lucas' board for the day gets made and he's happy about it, everyone showers/eats/gets dressed in the smoothest way possible. We pack a delicious and healthy snack and angels sing softly over us as we drive to church where the sitter meets us and Lucas floats through the first service, Sunday school, and then leaves with the sitter who we bought her own car seat just for this purpose. They go and have lunch and a delightful time until we get home. You see, in this scenario, everyone is relaxed, happy, and even joyful to go to the house of worship and celebrate God. Lucas gets to participate in worship and then partake of Christian education, our sitter leaves maybe a little tired but happy and well compensated. Robyn and David get to feel like we have been the ideal models of faith and parenting, and we rest in the afternoon content in all that has happened this day. Now, as I mentioned, this does not always happen... In fact, lately, this hasn't even seemed to happen a majority of the time even with the best of intentions on everyone's part. Which leads us to scenario #2. Scenario #2: Great pastor, average parent. In this scenario, the morning doesn't go exactly as planned. Either Lucas wakes up at some ungodly hour and sings while David and I lay awake but pretend that everything is fine and we are still resting. Or maybe Lucas, in spite of all our efforts and against the norm of every other day, decides that he is not going to wake up early and we end up having to wake him up. This usually leads to a rocky start with a grumpy, petulant Lucas who will just disagree with everything. Yet, we have to get him into the car and to church because the child needs Jesus and we need forgiveness and I will have my child in church like a great pastor, that and the day's babysitter will meet you at church (or I pick them up) and they hang around the church for all the prep time, all three services, and the close down time... And Lucas may or may not take in an entire service, and probably will get to Sunday school, but let's face it, that's a long tough day for a 5 year old and a tough situation for any sitter. But, he gets Jesus, he gets some kind of Christian ed, and we come home, and I let him watch more t.v. than I normally would, because... I need to stay sane. The babysitter goes home exhausted and maybe more than a little frustrated... This is more common than scenario #1. Which brings us to scenario #3. Scenario #3: Average pastor, great parent. In this scenario, Lucas has probably had a rough night or week, month... And mommy has schedule the sitter that he loves. We survive the morning but I win, I get him into the car, and I drop him off at the sitter's house. This sitter is pretty awesome, does a lot of arts and crafts, outside play, he gets dirty, sometimes they get to church. I leave a car seat with them and if they feel up to it, they may bring him to the praise service. So, Lucas is happy because he's got a fun day free from the house, isn't stuck in one place, gets to do cool stuff... but as a pastor, it's in the back of my mind that... hey... y'know... my son maybe didn't get to church today... he didn't get any Christian ed either... Maybe when we get home, after we eat lunch, I'll have him pick out some of his Jesus-centric stories and we get him some Jesus that way. Overall we feel pretty content, I'm a good mom because he had fun and you know, got a little Jesus. The sitter is happy, we are happy, it's a good compromise. But what feels like the most common scenario, is #4. Scenario #4: Fail pastor, exhausted parent Ok... so... full out confession... there are some weeks where it is just easier to leave my son at home and have a sitter come to the house and watch Lucas the whole morning. This might be because he has had just an awful night and it's just not worth the fight to get him there... or it might be that mommy is just flat out exhausted and this is honestly the easiest path. Another favorite sitter comes to the house, they have a great time, sitter leaves happy, mommy and daddy get to chill when we get home, everyone feels content at home, but in my head I hear that little voice saying "You bad pastor... you didn't even try to get any Jesus for your son today. He's going to grow up to be a hot mess and it's going to be your fault because you just didn't try hard enough. Being tired is not an excuse." About this time, I tell the voice to be quiet because I just don't have the energy to feel guilty. But, the babysitter goes home happy and balance is maintained. But here's the other reality. I have to book these sitters a couple weeks in advance and this means that I have to take my best guess as to how Lucas will be feeling, what the right choice is, get a good mix in their, and offer up a lot of prayers. Every once in a while we will need to do last minute changes, he's having a meltdown and I just can't get him to church or he wakes up sick, and then I have to call a sitter that morning and hope and pray. Other times something might come up for the sitter and I have to find a fill-in. Remember, now, Lucas doesn't like change, so I can't really give him too much information until I'm pretty sure what the day will hold. It's pretty stressful. Add on top of this that sometimes David needs to pick him up from somewhere and I have to 1) remember to tell him 2) remember to tell him where to get Lucas. So, yeah, you could say it's a little crazy around our house come Sunday mornings. Not to mention that during church I'm always watching and listening for a streak of a little boy or a screaming Lucas and my anxiety just ramps up pretty hardcore because there's only so much I can do to help out a sitter if things go sideways while I'm in the middle of worship. Now, tomorrow is Easter. That means that I have a sunrise service that STARTS at 6:30, which means I will be up at 4:30 and out of the house at 5:30. David has an extra service in there and he will be leaving earlier than normal. There's NO way I'm going to try and get Lucas up, ready, and out the door to be at sunrise service. So, God bless our sitter, she comes here and spends the night so that she is here when he wakes up and she gets him fed, dressed, and ready and most of the time is able to get him to church for one of the services. This is not an easy task or day because Lucas doesn't understand why things are so different, he usually doesn't get his basket or eggs until way late in the day, and Easter dinner is mainly something ordered from Bob Evans. But we are together, we proclaimed the Good News, and in all things we know Gods is good.
So, no matter what the scenario, no matter our moods, our successes or our failures, I know that God is good and I give thanks for the opportunity to be a part of this crazy, beautiful, complicated life and the chance to be mom to a pretty awesome kid. May your Easter be filled with great joy, many alleluia's, and much joy. Please forgive grammar, capitalization. I wrote this on my phone. Dad. your birthday is tomorrow. I haven't figured out yet how I feel. I know I miss you. I also know you'd tell me to stop moping. but, you always said I was independent and headstrong, so I am going to mope a little anyways. Tonight someone recommended I do something you enjoyed. I know a song I will likely listen to and cry as I miss you. But the thing that came to mind as something to do that you enjoyed was to have a beer. Now, you know that's a big deal for me because I don't like beer, but the more I think about it the more I like the idea. I might call your cell number tomorrow... I think it's been deactivated but if by some chance your voicemail is still there I know I'll at least get to hear your voice say your name. I miss your voice, dad. It was always so low and gravel-ly. I remember laughing to no end as we would shoot pool in the basement and you would sing "Jeremiah was a bullfrog." I miss the mischievous look you'd get in your eye when I knew you were thinking of something to say that you knew would get a rise out of me. You were good at that. It hurts because this is all the kind of stuff that I would talk to you about while listening to music and shooting pool, but you're not here to do that now. I dislike crying and I'm frustrated that I'm doing it as I write this. It's not the same without you. The world didn't rock off its axis or anything, but my world is emptier. I always told you that you'd give me plenty of fodder for my sermons... that still seems true, but I don't think I'm ready yet. So, yeah, I miss you... and maybe Thursday my faith will kick into high gear and hope will be my main feeling, but right now, this just sucks because I miss you. Love you always dad.
For the last few weeks I have been struggling with anxiety about an approaching date. April 10, 2019. The first of my dad's birthdays he will spend in heaven. I know I'm anxious about it because ever since calendars switched over to April my eyes have sought out that date whenever I glance at a calendar. I've also noticed the other little signs. My leg bouncing incessantly - most of the time without my recognizing I'm doing it unless my leg suddenly seems tired. (Odd sensation, really). It was almost like an April fools joke. April 1 and my mind continually skips ahead to April 10. I have typical questions and thoughts around the date. How will I feel? What will it be like to not make a phone call to my dad to wish him a happy birthday and instead whisper it in a prayer to lift up. If you know me at all you know that I don't do well with the unknown. I want to know, I want to plan, I want to be able to have an idea where things are headed. So, going into this day is going to be tough simply because I don't know what to expect. Honestly, this wouldn't be as bad if it fell on, say a Monday, my day off, where I could either go be with my mom or at least stay at home and feel my feels. But, it's on a Wednesday. During Lent. April 10th this year will kick off with Bible study and wrap up with worship, so there are worse ways I could spend the day. I worry, though, about my emotions on the day. I do not like to be emotional in front of others, especially when working and "in pastor mode." So, hopefully my emotions will stay under control. Although, if I've learned anything, the likelihood of everything staying "under control" is unlikely. Not impossible but maybe not realistic. So, anyway, the other thing that happened on an April 10 is that it is my baptismal birthday. When my dad and mom talked about having me baptized, dad wanted it to be on his birthday. So those days are intrinsically linked. And it is kind of beautiful to me. It brings me some measure of comfort. I was just shy of 4 months old when I was baptized. I was a stinkin' cute baby if you ask me. That right there is my family. I, of course, and the cute baby in the white dress. It is from my baptism. Obviously I don't remember the day, but I love that I have a picture of it. That day is special. Even more so now. That day was my dad's birthday and my re-birth day. A re-birth into the promise of life eternal with Christ. A washing away of my old self and the day I was marked with the cross of Christ. I was baptized into the life, death and resurrection of Christ. On that day we were reminded of how the Word met the water, I was made a part of the family of Christ. Now, on April 10, 2019, I will be remembering my dad on the first birthday without him here. I will be reminded of the power of the grave and death in our lives. It will be a stark reminder to me of the brevity of this life and the passing of each breath. April 10 this year will be one that likely will have stuttered breaths, long deep breaths, and probably tears. And if the tears come, I will be thankful for them, because it will remind me of the other important message of April 10. They will remind me of the promises that are made to us by a loving God. The salty tears will force me to remember God's promise that the grave will not have the last say in life. I will be able to take solace in the knowledge that no grave is stronger than the promises of God. Now, that song is awesome. (The video... not so much... except for the hype-woman who I aspire to be one day). It is the reminder I need for the day that is to come. It is the reminder that even Christ faced death and the grave. Even he lay cold in the grave before he overcame. This was done out of love for us. It was done to open the way and free us so that we could live out his final command, to love one another. Although my dad has passed and I will miss him dearly on his birthday, I have the marvelous gift of that day being my baptismal birthday as well. It's a gift that let's me hear the truth that Jesus has overcome the grave and my dad is at rest. The above image is one I found as I was looking for pictures for this blog post and I fell in love with it. It's a way of seeing our last heartbeat move us through the way that was opened by Christ so that we might live again. That last heartbeat, as hard as it is, also speaks of the time to come when there will be no more crying, no more pain, no more sorrow. That last heartbeat is not the end; it is simply a pause before the next part of our life. The first image is nice as well. It incorporates the semi-colon in there, which I adore. Semi-colon tattoos became popular a few years back as a way to speak about suicide prevention. A semi-colon is used when an author could have chosen to end a sentence but didn't. In this case, the author is you and the sentence is your life. Don't place a period in your life when a semi-colon is all that is needed. Some days we just need a pause. The bad days, the hard days, they don't need to be a period in our sentence, but maybe they make us need to take a breath and a break. Therefore, a semi-colon. A breath and a pause in the rhythm of our lives. So, now with that little tangent completed... I'm still not looking forward to April 10. I would rather still have my dad with me than be finding the grace in a day where I'm remembering him. But, if I had to go through the day, I'm glad that I can go through it steeped in prayer, with dear people, and the unseen reminder of the cross that was marked on my forehead at my baptism. A reminder that tells me this is simply a breath, a pause, on the way to something greater. If you find yourself in a similar situation, or a difficult time, or a time that seems hopeless... know that I am there with you... and with me, remember to breathe... Just breathe. (And because this song has been stuck in my head since about halfway through writing this post.... enjoy "Breathe" by Johnny Diaz). Lately I've had a lot of questions about our adoption process and how it's going. This seemed like an easier way of sharing that information. So, after the grueling process of creating our album and profile and getting all the needed items for the website, we began an official "active" profile. You can actually view it here. Feel free to share it as the more shares it gets the more likely we are to find a match. Once we officially become an "active" profile we enter into what Dr. Seuss might call "the waiting place." In his book "The Places You Will Go" the waiting place is described as a "most useless place." And I have to agree. This is the part of the process that we really have no control over except to keep adding entries about our family and try and get our profile shared as much as possible. Since we are specifically seeking a baby girl our wait time is going to be longer. The agency will not show our profile to any expectant mothers, only women who have given birth to a baby girl and have not made an adoption plan for their baby yet. The other way we might get a call is if there is a safe delivery that matches up with our profile and we are next on "the list." So, you can imagine, those situations are not super common which means that we wait. It's not a time without any work required on our part. Of course, there are the quarterly payments that we have to make simply to be a part of the agency's network. There are quarterly "continuing education" articles we have to read and offer a reflection on. And if we hit a year from when we had our homestudy and have not had a placement we must pay for and undergo a homestudy update. Yeah... so not only a boring waiting place... an expensive boring waiting place. And anyone who knows me knows that I am not good with waiting without purpose or something to do. This is a time that very distinctly reminds me that God is God and I am not. (good song you can hear here) So, this time is filled with a lot of waiting, praying, frustration and hope. It is filled with anger and second-guessing. "Why couldn't I get pregnant?" "Maybe we should re-think IVF. I know it's expensive and not guaranteed, but hey, at least we'd be DOING something... anything..." Yeah, poor David may have been subjected to that conversation the other night. Followed by tears from me and a request for stress ice cream. Oh, and I forgot to mention the delightful part of this time. With the quarterly updates about how many placements they've done, how many waiting families they have, and our quarterly homework, they also send out a number... A number that tells you how many times your profile has been shown to a birthmother. (Your profile is only shown if you and she match up on many different points in the profile). Our profile has been shown a grand total of....... . . . . ZERO times. David and I have incredibly different opinions on this. He would rather we don't receive that number. He doesn't see what good could possibly come of it. But me? I NEED that number. I need to see what has happened. I need to see that SOMETHING is happening. I don't know how I'll feel when that number is something other than zero, indicating we were not chosen, but for now, I need that number.
So, I guess the answer to the question: "How is the adoption coming along?" is simply: "We're waiting. We wait and we pray and we dream and we hope for the day that God finds us our baby girl. And that day will come. We just don't know when. But thank you for asking us. Thank you for caring enough to follow up. And thank you for not avoiding us because you don't know what to say. Things like "I'll keep you in my prayers" or "That's gotta be hard" or even just "Ok, I hope you hear something soon" help me remember that we do not wait alone but in a community of loving, supportive friends and family. We love you all! Not too long ago there was an article on Facebook that really spoke to me. It was titled: "Dear Parent, About THAT kid." (if you have read it, you should and you can find it here) This article discusses "THAT kid" in your child's class that you worry about. The one that detracts from your child's classroom experience. The one dropping inappropriate words in the classroom. The child that hasn't quite learned personal space. In the article the teacher goes on to tell you everything she can't tell you about "THAT kid." By the end I was in tears and I hadn't even realized how deeply it had affected me. Because I am the mom of "THAT kid." I love my son to the moon and back but I am also aware of his growing edges. My dear son has developmental delays in speech and language comprehension, fine motor skills, and social interaction. All of that means that he has trouble communicating, he doesn't always understand what is being asked of him, and he is still learning all the appropriate ways to interact with others. We are also going to see if he needs help for his sensory tendencies. Oh, did I mention the incredibly strong prescription glasses he needs to help his wandering eye so that he won't need surgery later. He chose a delightful shade of red rims for these glasses and I think he looks quite dapper. If you've ever seen my son you'd know that he is... well.. above average size for his age. Above 99th percentile in everything. He's tall and thick and STRONG. When you're big for your age people tend to have elevated and even unreasonable expectations about what you should and should not be able to do. Of course, my son doesn't understand any of this. Yet, when it was all brought to David and I for the first time it was completely overwhelming. In fact, the first phone call I received from the school system special education program was to schedule the testing for his developmental delays and possible autism. A possible autism diagnosis had not come up prior to this phone call and I started to cry at that point because I had absolutely no concept of how to help my beautiful son. I was overwhelmed. I was heartbroken because I had all these ideas of what might be that now might not be. God got an earful from me that night... and many nights since... about why God would possibly think I was the right person to be a mom for this incredibly amazing and special boy. Seeing as God has very distinct mothering tendencies, why couldn't She have known that I was not up to this task? As a loving father, couldn't He have given me and Lucas a break on this? I bent God's ear many a night. Because, here's the other thing that goes along with having "THAT kid." I'm also "THAT kid's mom." And until we started through this journey with Lucas I had no idea how many dirty looks could be given during an hour long library program. My heart didn't know the pain that could be caused by the other parents standing away from you and talking about "THAT kid" who causes disruptions. Never would I have thought I'd be trying to arrange my work schedule so I could be close to his preschool in case the seemingly inevitable call came that the teacher needed help "handling" my son. I couldn't have known that it would be like the walk of shame to come out of your child's classroom about 5 minutes before the end of class carrying your screaming son because he was just done for the day. The comments made to me were ones I never thought anyone would say: "Looks like someone can't control their child." "Isn't he a little old for that behavior?" "Watch out four-eyes, it doesn't seem those glasses are working very well." And more. Yes, these are from adults. I would become painfully aware of the fear of trying to make friends with other parents because I didn't want to expose him to possible rejection or judgement. I would learn that in spite of the massive amount of love and gentleness he has to offer he would be turned out of a daycare because he was deemed "uncontrollable." Despite the joy he can bring, sometimes even the best sitters in the world would need a break from him. That I would weep because he struggles to understand why he can't go back and see certain friends or why he hasn't seen someone in a while. I would learn that my heart would shatter at the rejections he experienced. I didn't realize until this all began how lonely and isolating being the mom of "THAT kid" would be. It felt like I was on an island unable to find any kind of support. I was embarrassed to talk to other mom's because I felt like I should know how to DO this. Shouldn't it be an instinctual thing for a mom to care for her child? I scoured the Facebook groups and Reddit feeds looking for other interactions that were similar to mine so I didn't have to ask. And that's one of the main things I want you to know about the moms (and dads, and grandparents) of THAT kid. Remember that many times they are trying their best to help their littles navigate this confusing, loud, busy world. This is not an easy task for parents/guardians to do for their children without any added hurdles. When navigating it with delays, syndromes, setbacks, etc, it becomes downright terrifying. You see, my darling son doesn't mean to be that kid. He doesn't set out to be mean or cause harm. He is simply doing his best to traverse this new terrain that is unfamiliar and scary. Not everything makes sense and he is attempting to learn in spite of not having all the tools others his age might have. For every tantrum you might see my son experience, you're missing that he is already sight-reading words above his age level. For every time he gets up and dances and plays piano while I'm trying to preach, you don't see him sitting reverently beside me as he prays the Lord's prayer with fellow believers. For every time he pushes a child too hard because he doesn't understand how strong he is, you don't see the tears that start and his immediate empathetic response to try and help the other child back up. For every time he runs when he should walk and ignores his caregiver's correction, you don't see when he runs to a friend who has fallen to make sure they are ok. My son has incredible empathy. He wants to care for others and just make them okay. Lucas loves worship and music absolutely moves his spirit AND his body. Sunny days automatically lift his mood and make him long for the beach. You haven't seen the way he loves our dog Chloe and if she gets scared by a storm he sits by her to tell her it's going to be all right. It wasn't until the other day that a dear friend reached out and gave me words to comfort my anxious heart. She said:
"I just want to say that - if you are going to bed at night wondering if you did the right therapy, the right intervention, the right diet, the right discipline, the right combination of all the things - and worrying yourself sick over it: it does all come together eventually. One day, you will be able to take a deep breath and know you are getting it right. I have spent SO many nights worrying and wondering and now, when I look at my son, I know deep in my soul that he has exactly what he needs to be exactly who God intended him to be. And I have gotten really good at not letting anyone or anything take that away from us." This is the same friend I made a deal with to not ever worry whether or not we were overstepping when trying to support, offer advice or encouragement. Every child is unique and going to go through their experiences in their own way. But this journey is so much easier when you can be "the mom of THAT child" with a tribe of other moms of those children cheering for you, crying with you, and picking you up when the world's knocked you down. The tribe that helps you to look at your child and, as my friend so beautifully put it, "he has exactly what he needs to be exactly who God intended him to be." So from one of the many mom's of THAT kid, please take a moment to remind yourself to be kind. Remember that your reaction is noticed even if you think it's not. Give one more moment of thought to wonder what that family may be going through before you cast judgment or decide you would be a better parent. And maybe even beyond all that, if you see someone struggling - whether it's with bags while a child is using the floppy defense, or if it's with trying to get the door open while carrying a screaming child - be the one who helps. You might be the glimpse of sun, the moment of grace, that gets them through the rest of their day. Well, if you couldn't tell from the title, I'm feeling more than a little cranky. I'm telling you, getting old ain't for sissies. Now that I've got that out of my system... What really prompted this post is not the fact that I'm aging (and it would seem poorly, at that). It's that there is a lot of pain in the world and a lot of pain happening for a lot of people I know here. My heart is heavy and breaks for them. It's one of those things that you know if you could do something... anything... to relieve the suffering of a friend you would but there is simply nothing that can be done except to be present and listen. And that is something that can be a struggle for me (and I'm guessing some of you, too). The pain being experienced around me is everything from grief to sickness to loss to growing pains. It is truly important to say here that just because someone is experiencing a different pain it in no way diminishes your own. All too often I hear people say: "Yes, this is hard... but I try not to feel bad/talk about it because I know so many people have it so much worse." Ok, that is probably true, but that does not change the fact that this painful situation is your reality right now and you have absolutely no reason to hide it, deny it, or apologize for it. You are allowed to be sad and to hurt if something happens. It doesn't have to be the worst pain that was ever felt in the world in order to matter. You matter therefore your pain matters. I do have to add possibly one of my favorite things having said that you matter... I'm not even a science person and that makes me giggle. Anyways... back from that tangent. Pain. It really does seem to be everywhere. Something I read once said: "Don't just see the reaction, see the pain behind it." Basically, it is along the lines of the theory that behind every person who hurts others is a person who has been hurt. When people are in pain we do some of the darnedest things. We may lash out. It might be that if we hurt we want everyone around us to feel some of that pain, too. Because pain is lonely and we generally don't like to feel lonely. Or we may withdraw. Perhaps it is just too much and we don't want to have to keep answering the question: "Are you ok?" or "What's wrong?" This can be especially true when you can't quite put a finger on why you don't feel right, you just don't. Saying that can sometimes result in quizzical glances that can feel heavy with judgment. Or you might just plaster a smile on your face, say everything is fine, but those who know you can see the lines of stress around your eyes and around your smile. It's hard to force a smile to reach your eyes when you're in pain. Regardless, this world is hurting. I see it all the time on social media. Posts that are derogatory, which we know is not going to change one single thing, are shared repeatedly. People spend exorbitant amounts of time debating some topic on Facebook and both parties are just going to walk away feeling righteously indignant and as though they "won" the argument. (Let me just tell you, no one "wins" on a Facebook argument... we ALL lose.") How, then, can we respond to the pain a friend is experiencing? One common way I see happen that really isn't super helpful to the person in pain but really helps the comforter feel better is to play "magic fixer." This is where you try to "solve" the other person's problem, even if it's not something necessarily "fixable." Typical responses tend to be: "Well, maybe if you..." or "Don't worry, it will get better" or "the pain gets less, I swear." They are characterized by the feeling that if you can just 'fix' it or the person the pain disappears. The reasons this approach is often unhelpful are: 1) A lot of times there isn't a way to "fix" the problem. It's an issue that cannot easily be resolved. 2) More than likely your "solution" or quick-fix has either been tried or dismissed as not effective. So, unless the person you're talking with says: "Hey... I've got this problem, can you help me figure something out?" Offering solutions is not going to ease the pain. My husband is notorious for this. It got to the point where I had to learn to preface statements with: "I don't want you to try and fix this..." He appreciates the heads up and cue for what to do and it saves me the frustration of having to nix or shoot down unrequested "fixes." If it is unclear to you as to whether or not the person would like your help trying to fix the situation the best course of action is just to ask: "Would you like me to help you think through some possible solutions?" or "Would it help to try to talk through different avenues?" More than likely what your friend/partner/spouse/child is looking for when they come to you hurting is not a list of possible solutions, but rather just someone to listen. Not to listen with the intention of responding with a solution. But just to really hear what they are saying and to acknowledge their pain. It's truly a holy space when someone chooses to share in this way because it is an indicator of trust in you that you will hold their pain without belittling/dismissing them or trying to turn them into a project. This is also incredibly difficult as I mentioned earlier. Because most of us have been taught to listen with the intention to formulate a well-crafted response. Pain isn't rational. Pain does not expect nor need a well-crafted response. Pain demands to be felt. And sometimes that pain can be too much for one person to endure and so they seek out someone they trust to share their suffering and hopefully find a partner in shouldering this burden to make it even just a fraction lighter. Why is this hard? Most people do not like to see others in pain, especially those for whom we care. Our natural instinct becomes to try and get rid of what is causing the pain regardless of it is actually something that can be gotten rid of. In essence, then, we are fighting against our natural impulse to fix and instead, choosing to enter into the pain with the other person and just being. Acknowledging to them that, yes, this does indeed suck, and it is painful, and that their feelings aren't completely out of whack. It's providing a space to be angry, upset, and hurt without fear of judgment or repercussions. There aren't a lot of places that it is socially acceptable to just completely break down and react with whatever primal feeling is within you. To find that kind of space in a trusted person is like finding gold. It's something to be treasured and held dear. David is often that space for me. The space where I can go and yell or scream or cry about how unfair it all is, how much it hurts, and how I don't want this to be my reality without having to backtrack and explain or make excuses or apologies. He gives me the safe space in my life to just finally breathe. When I saw my therapist the other day, one of the first things out of my mouth was "I feel like I can't breathe. It's like I can't take a deep breath or everything is going to fall apart and hurt so much." In the midst of painful situations or difficult times we might hold our breath - figuratively or literally - just trying to power through. Yet, unfortunately, it can happen that you get through that first awful thing and find yourself walking right into another one. If this happens enough times in a row you haven't had the chance to stop and take that deep breath that will clear your mind and let you think rationally. This is why it's so important to have that person or people in your life who can be your breathing space. And it's why it's so important that we learn and practice the art of simply being with one another. Because you have no idea how long it's been since the other person has been able to take a deep breath. Well, I guess what I want to boil this all down to is to ask you to walk gently with anyone you encounter. You have no idea what weight, grief, sorrow or hurt they are bearing. Live gently. Leave space in your life for loved ones to breathe. And if you feel sorrow pulling you down find that safe person in your life who will just listen and provide you the room to finally breathe deeply once more.
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AuthorI've been Robyn for my whole life. I've been a wife for 10 years and a mom for 5 years. I've been a pastor for about 10 years. I'm still stumbling, but I'm still standing. Archives
April 2019
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